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Volodja

Volodja

New Member
May 4, 2018
4
Hi everybody, I am here because I really like this community, and I hope to find some friends to talk to.. English is not my mother tongue, so I will have some difficulties in expressing myself.. I don't know what to say, I just feel like a 12 years old in a body of a 26, I never had any kind of relationship, but I fell in love many times and very easily, and always with the wrong people :) So, I think I experienced only unrequited/platonic love in my life, and sex has never interested me or attracted me outside an emotional bond, that's why I'm still virgin and I consider myself an asshole because I cannot be like my peers. I have always been asocial, living in isolation, with constant suicidal thoughts since I was 15 I think, and I had imaginary friends at 18/19, they were like ghosts and I could hear their voices too :).. Some years ago, following a period of various disappointments and frustration, I started to cut myself. I really like it because it is a distraction from my negative thoughts, physical pain replaces mental pain and it's good..it can become an addiction too but I don't really care about it. I have never cut my arms because they are too much exposed, so I preferred the upper body, and now I have a lot of horrible scars on its sides ahah..but I don't care.. A few days ago I tried to ctb cutting my veins down the arms (not across, I know it's useless), but it was too difficult, cuts were too much superficial because the razor was bad and I didn't pressed a lot, and I lost very little blood.. I don't know if I will try it again. I don't know if I want to die or to live, I am so confused. I think that a relationship could take me out and makes me happy but...well..the thing is, I don't know if I really want to be happy, I don't know how to explain, but I like my depressed/suicidal state of mind, I find it special in some way..or maybe I am so addicted to these negative feelings that I like them and I don't want to get well...anyway that's why I have always been attracted (and sometimes fell in love too) to girls and women with mental illness, depression, antisocial or self-destructive behavior, schizophrenia etc. I consider them like me and I like them so much..after all, finding a sort of soul mate is only a common desire. It could sound strange but one of my wishes is to die together with someone I love, if she wants to, in a romantic suicidal pact where life or death do not matter anymore.. Sorry if I have written too much, sometimes I'm too verbose.. :)
 
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FakeNews

Student
Apr 30, 2018
150
Being like everyone else is so fucking boring. Most of this world is full of self obsessed, small thinking, and uncaring individuals. I think it's great that you're different and hope that someday you think so too.

I'd caution against looking for outside ways to "fix" yourself (whatever that might mean) — whether it's relationships, drugs, or something else. Having tried all those, I've come to the conclusion that the only real solution (for me) is within myself — because it's the only person I trust (well, most of the time.)

Anyway, welcome and hope you find comfort in this community.
 
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