pettyqueen
Member
- Jun 15, 2023
- 15
Hi. I'm new in this forum. I don't want to give too many info about myself because well, safety.
I have a very long history of mental health issues mostly steaming from trauma and neurodivergence: Asperger's, ADHD, eating disorder, OCD and complex PTSD are the main ones. Then I have some others than some docs have been diagnosing them as stuff in their own right and others (myself included) think ate more part of my main diagnosis. For example: dermatillomania, self harm and suicidal ideation and ironically, tanatophobia (my own death, not anyone else's).
I tried to CTB x3 about 20 years ago when I was much younger and I was doing a lot of drugs and alcohol. I also self harmed a lot back then. To be honest, I think my attempts were calls for help and not a genuine wish to CTB.
I have been doing ok for a while but I am having a LOT of problems at work at the moment. I am suspended for allegedly threatening a colleague. While I am awaiting the investigation and such, I am at home with full pay which it's not bad, considering. I also filed a bullying and discrimination case against my boss. It's a fucking mess. I am completely socially isolated. I have one friend who is in another country and no one at work will talk to me at all.
I adore my job and the fact that I have been suspended without any proof that I've done anything wrong and I, being kept away from what I love doing is driving me insane. I am also having horrendous anxiety, paranoia, flashback and dissociation.
It is the first time I genuinely want to CTB and I have come to this forum for support, because it is my hope that this feeling is temporary. I don't want to do anything in the spur of the moment, but if I am dismissed from my job, I think will choose to end all.
It is a very difficult feeling because even though I wish I could stop suffering and end it all, I am also terrified of my own dead…
But anyway. I only wanted to say hi. And introduce myself.
I have a very long history of mental health issues mostly steaming from trauma and neurodivergence: Asperger's, ADHD, eating disorder, OCD and complex PTSD are the main ones. Then I have some others than some docs have been diagnosing them as stuff in their own right and others (myself included) think ate more part of my main diagnosis. For example: dermatillomania, self harm and suicidal ideation and ironically, tanatophobia (my own death, not anyone else's).
I tried to CTB x3 about 20 years ago when I was much younger and I was doing a lot of drugs and alcohol. I also self harmed a lot back then. To be honest, I think my attempts were calls for help and not a genuine wish to CTB.
I have been doing ok for a while but I am having a LOT of problems at work at the moment. I am suspended for allegedly threatening a colleague. While I am awaiting the investigation and such, I am at home with full pay which it's not bad, considering. I also filed a bullying and discrimination case against my boss. It's a fucking mess. I am completely socially isolated. I have one friend who is in another country and no one at work will talk to me at all.
I adore my job and the fact that I have been suspended without any proof that I've done anything wrong and I, being kept away from what I love doing is driving me insane. I am also having horrendous anxiety, paranoia, flashback and dissociation.
It is the first time I genuinely want to CTB and I have come to this forum for support, because it is my hope that this feeling is temporary. I don't want to do anything in the spur of the moment, but if I am dismissed from my job, I think will choose to end all.
It is a very difficult feeling because even though I wish I could stop suffering and end it all, I am also terrified of my own dead…
But anyway. I only wanted to say hi. And introduce myself.
