Hey everyone. I'm sorry if this post is a mess since I've never posted on here but I'm glad I finally got the courage to register! I used to roam on the other "ss.com" domain for quite some time before accidentally discovering this site. (I apologize for being cryptic but I'm choosing to omit key details from my life for privacy's sake).Way back in a few years ago I just couldn't take the stresses of life, school, etc. After the end of my first year at college, I was so lost. I felt like such an outsider compared to everyone else. My social anxiety prevented me from drinking or partying either (except for small gatherings). I felt like I couldn't relate to anyone except for what everyone called the "lame" crowd that doesn't party or drink for varying reasons. I was also forced to drop out of my premed track because I was almost failing 2 of the 4 courses I needed for it and to eventually graduate. I turned to SS when I was just idolizing the idea of cbt but not seriously making a plan when my parents were egging on about how I'm a failure if I don't give the premed thing another go. Then the following semester happened, things at home were really bad, and at school, I was doing poorly and I just couldn't take it (I was back in the premed classes too). I looked up some threads about sleeping pills and man, am I glad I looked it up before buying the jar online to chug before bed (that was my plan). The SS resources seriously helped me prevent myself from a reckless CBT that wouldn't have even worked and probably would've left me in a mental hospital.
Ironically enough SS actually saved my life. I realized after wandering threads that CBT wasn't what I really wanted but that I just wanted an escape from school (at the time). I still had hope that life would get better, I'd glo up, I'd get a gf, and be more successful in school. (I know, pathetic). I decided to live life and see if things could get better by 2020/21 (they didn't).
I've always been pressured by my parents to be a golden child. Study hard, work hard, become a doctor, make a lot of money etc. For some time I wanted to do it for superficial reasons (the prestige, high income, parental praise). After suffering multiple mental breakdowns that changed though. I started to ask myself why I was putting myself through all this anxiety, stress, and sleepless nights. I figured medicine was no longer my passion, and that all I cared about was my parent's approval. All they ever said is "no pain no gain" "stop being depressed" "everyone suffers, just be a man and pull through". One day when I had enough I stopped caring. After my last mental breakdown, I just didn't care anymore about anything.
Flash forward to senior year right now. I have no jobs lined up, no graduate school programs lined up. I wasted 4 years of my life institutionalized doing worthless bullshit that just leads to more and more endless pain and suffering. I'm gonna be between 40 to 50,000 dollars in debt because of my dumb-ass decision to go to college when it was never for me and my parents won't stop harping about how much of a failure their "golden boy" is. I can remember the look of disappointment in their eyes when I broke down and told them I couldn't do this anymore and that I lost the passion to be a doctor, along with everything else.
I loathe this existence so much. I feel like a robot on autopilot, and I just can't feel any type of pleasure. I can't even remember the last time I was genuinely happy. Every time I wake up in the morning I punch my pillow in rage asking God why I was placed on the Earth to suffer this meaningless and painful existence. My parents don't give a shit about me. 21 years of gaslighting, physical, mental, and verbal abuse and I'm so closed off now that I can't trust anyone. I tell my dad about my problems finding love, feeling lonely, ugly, incompetent and hopeless in this Western world as an ethnic man and it's like talking to a brick wall. Sometimes I wished that it did get better and when my parents would tell me "it gets better as you get older" I laugh at how miserable the other adults around me are.
TLDR; I feel like an outsider looking in, terrible home situation, feelings of hopelessness, emptiness, and anhedonia as a result of school have led me back to SS.
Sorry for the micro rant. I just wanted to make a good first post. Hopefully, I'm not here to stay very long (on this planet I mean) but I look forward to finally replying to threads and talking to you all :)
Ironically enough SS actually saved my life. I realized after wandering threads that CBT wasn't what I really wanted but that I just wanted an escape from school (at the time). I still had hope that life would get better, I'd glo up, I'd get a gf, and be more successful in school. (I know, pathetic). I decided to live life and see if things could get better by 2020/21 (they didn't).
I've always been pressured by my parents to be a golden child. Study hard, work hard, become a doctor, make a lot of money etc. For some time I wanted to do it for superficial reasons (the prestige, high income, parental praise). After suffering multiple mental breakdowns that changed though. I started to ask myself why I was putting myself through all this anxiety, stress, and sleepless nights. I figured medicine was no longer my passion, and that all I cared about was my parent's approval. All they ever said is "no pain no gain" "stop being depressed" "everyone suffers, just be a man and pull through". One day when I had enough I stopped caring. After my last mental breakdown, I just didn't care anymore about anything.
Flash forward to senior year right now. I have no jobs lined up, no graduate school programs lined up. I wasted 4 years of my life institutionalized doing worthless bullshit that just leads to more and more endless pain and suffering. I'm gonna be between 40 to 50,000 dollars in debt because of my dumb-ass decision to go to college when it was never for me and my parents won't stop harping about how much of a failure their "golden boy" is. I can remember the look of disappointment in their eyes when I broke down and told them I couldn't do this anymore and that I lost the passion to be a doctor, along with everything else.
I loathe this existence so much. I feel like a robot on autopilot, and I just can't feel any type of pleasure. I can't even remember the last time I was genuinely happy. Every time I wake up in the morning I punch my pillow in rage asking God why I was placed on the Earth to suffer this meaningless and painful existence. My parents don't give a shit about me. 21 years of gaslighting, physical, mental, and verbal abuse and I'm so closed off now that I can't trust anyone. I tell my dad about my problems finding love, feeling lonely, ugly, incompetent and hopeless in this Western world as an ethnic man and it's like talking to a brick wall. Sometimes I wished that it did get better and when my parents would tell me "it gets better as you get older" I laugh at how miserable the other adults around me are.
TLDR; I feel like an outsider looking in, terrible home situation, feelings of hopelessness, emptiness, and anhedonia as a result of school have led me back to SS.
Sorry for the micro rant. I just wanted to make a good first post. Hopefully, I'm not here to stay very long (on this planet I mean) but I look forward to finally replying to threads and talking to you all :)
Last edited:
