Hi, I’m new.

[onebigmistake]

I know this board has seen an influx of members from the unwanted NYT publicity, and I am part of that, but I was drawn to join because I have experienced suicidal ideations near daily since I was a teenager. Most days the thought is simply intrusive and fleeting, but on rare days I find myself researching methods and making plans. Lately those latter days have been more frequent.

I firmly believe that it is an ethical imperative that people have control over whether they live or die. Part of me even believes that those in power only try to keep us alive because we are the worker bees, and hives cannot survive without them. My value or lack of value bears no weight in the bigger picture. I'm barely a speck of a speck in the universe. So what would it matter?

I am learning more than ever in my life that I am a burden. I struggle with physical disability— I have a genetic condition that predisposes me to a host of health problems; fortunately most of my life they were just unexplainable nuisances, but after pregnancy my body fell apart. Now I suffer with POTS and CFS, and both have caused a significant decline in my quality of life. I spend a lot of time sick in bed. I miss out on most of what is supposed to make life enjoyable. I am a subpar mother to a toddler who needs more physical activity. I am a poor partner to an able-bodied man who feels significant pressure to keep our household going and never ceases to let me know how difficult things are without my help now that my body has declined. I'm scared he'll decide one day he's just had enough, and then I'll end up a burden on my aging parents instead, or worse, indigent and suffering on the street.

Is it really so crazy that I just want to go to sleep and never wake up?

 

[FuneralCry]

I also want to fall asleep and never wake up, of course you are not crazy. This life can be very cruel and unfair and more than anything I wish I never existed. The right to die is very important, as after all, it is our life and our decision and it is nothing to do with anybody else. I'm sorry you have to go through this, it can be horrible dealing with health problems and our bodies are capable of torturing us. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[onebigmistake]

I also want to fall asleep and never wake up, of course you are not crazy. This life can be very cruel and unfair and more than anything I wish I never existed. The right to die is very important, as after all, it is our life and our decision and it is nothing to do with anybody else. I'm sorry you have to go through this, it can be horrible dealing with health problems and our bodies are capable of torturing us. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

Thank you.

 

[Noctis]

First, I'm here because of the NYT article as well, and everyone has been very welcoming. No shame in how you found this place.

Secondly, of course it's not crazy. We're all here because we need help and support. We can't find the strength to go on, but we're finding it difficult to muster the courage to leave, leaving us in this limbo of perpetual pain and despair.

Some people are here because they faced abuse and trauma. Some suffer from physical disabilities. And some of us have what should be perfectly normal and happy lives, but we still hate what looks back at us from the mirror. There is no right or wrong way to get to suicidal ideation, just like there's no right or wrong way to cope with it.

This is a journey you have to take, and we're here to support you. And if you decide that journey ends with you taking the bus ride into the sunset, we'll be here to tell you goodbye.

 

[onebigmistake]

First, I'm here because of the NYT article as well, and everyone has been very welcoming. No shame in how you found this place.

Secondly, of course it's not crazy. We're all here because we need help and support. We can't find the strength to go on, but we're finding it difficult to master the courage to leave, leaving us in this limbo of perpetual pain and despair.

Some people are here because they faced abuse and trauma. Some suffer from physical disabilities. And some of us have what should be perfectly normal and happy lives, but we still hate what looks back at us from the mirror. There is no right or wrong way to get to suicidal ideation, just like there's no right or wrong way to cope with it.

This is a journey you have to take, and we're here to support you. And if you decide that journey ends with you taking the bus ride into the sunset, we'll be here to tell you goodbye.

Limbo is exactly it. I've been in it for years. No one should be forced to endure it.

Thank you for your support.

 

[9BBN]

I'm sorry about your suffering. I would caution against ctb solely on the basis of feeling like a burden. I can only speak for myself I suppose, but I've found that although I feel like a burden to my friends, they've expressed they're happy I'm alive and often don't see it the same way. It's nice of you to live for other people. Don't die for other people. Unless it's really what you want.

 

[onebigmistake]

I'm sorry about your suffering. I would caution against ctb solely on the basis of feeling like a burden. I can only speak for myself I suppose, but I've found that although I feel like a burden to my friends, they've expressed they're happy I'm alive and often don't see it the same way. It's nice of you to live for other people. Don't die for other people. Unless it's really what you want.

That makes sense, but my husband does use language that points to my uselessness. He isn't outright verbally abusive, but he does lay into me with guilt near-daily. I don't blame him— I would be frustrated too if I married someone thinking they'd be my partner but they ended up not being able to handle half the responsibilities. What I'm trying to say is that I don't get reassured that I'm not a burden. I get him dancing around saying it.

 

[9BBN]

That makes sense, but my husband does use language that points to my uselessness. He isn't outright verbally abusive, but he does lay into me with guilt near-daily. I don't blame him— I would be frustrated too if I married someone thinking they'd be my partner but they ended up not being able to handle half the responsibilities. What I'm trying to say is that I don't get reassured that I'm not a burden. I get him dancing around saying it.

Sorry I wish I could help but this is outside of my know-how. Your feelings are definitely understandable. You're not crazy here.

 

[Onthe29th]

Welcome to SS. I also discovered this place after reading that article. Thankfully journalist aren't trained in psyc or else I would've never found this place (if they are, I don't think they know too much about how people like us react to content like that). It's completely understandable why you'd want to be in control of your life when you decide that it's time.

When people are unable to do things that they used to be able to do, it's not unusual for them to get depressed or contemplate suicide. There are so many factors to it that normal, healthy people don't always think about and understand and yet they feel like they can decide these things for people. I think for people like that to insert themselves into a decision like that is insensitive and ignorant and it hurt people like you more then anything. The people here will definitely understand you and support you no matter what you decide.

 

[Noctis]

That makes sense, but my husband does use language that points to my uselessness. He isn't outright verbally abusive, but he does lay into me with guilt near-daily. I don't blame him— I would be frustrated too if I married someone thinking they'd be my partner but they ended up not being able to handle half the responsibilities. What I'm trying to say is that I don't get reassured that I'm not a burden. I get him dancing around saying it.

That's terrible; I'm so sorry.

Your husband may just be frustrated with the situation and not understand how his words are coming across. Is this something you can talk to him about? I understand if you can't, I could never tell my wife about what really goes on in my head. I feel like I'm just waiting for her to die or divorce me so I can finally go knowing that no one is relying on me or will really care.

 

[t-rex]

Welcome. I am new from the NYT article as well. I haven't found this place to be the lion's den described in that article. Lots of friendly, caring people here.

I'm right there in limbo with you and @Noctis. I didn't come here to get convinced to CTB, I just wanted support from people who know the hell of this limbo. I think it's a good place for that.

Once again, welcome.

 

[Noctis]

Welcome. I am new from the NYT article as well. I haven't found this place to be the lion's den described in that article. Lots of friendly, caring people here.

I'm right there in limbo with you and @Noctis. I didn't come here to get convinced to CTB, I just wanted support from people who know the hell of this limbo. I think it's a good place for that.

Once again, welcome.

Ironically, I did come here to get pushed. I was in a dark place, and I heard this was a place that would feed upon that, give me the tools I needed, and convince me that there was no point in sticking around.

I'm still here, so obviously that's not what happened.

 

[onebigmistake]

That's terrible; I'm so sorry.

Your husband may just be frustrated with the situation and not understand how his words are coming across. Is this something you can talk to him about? I understand if you can't, I could never tell my wife about what really goes on in my head. I feel like I'm just waiting for her to die or divorce me so I can finally go knowing that no one is relying on me or will really care.

He knows. We have conversations often. I'll even say, "we you say _______, I hear _______." He also knows that I have frequent suicidal ideations. Whenever it gets to be too much, I tel him and he says I have to live for our son, out of obligation.

Welcome. I am new from the NYT article as well. I haven't found this place to be the lion's den described in that article. Lots of friendly, caring people here.

I'm right there in limbo with you and @Noctis. I didn't come here to get convinced to CTB, I just wanted support from people who know the hell of this limbo. I think it's a good place for that.

Once again, welcome.

Yes, that's exactly why I'm here. I feel so isolated with these thoughts, and anytime I've sought mental healthcare, I've felt the need to minimize their pervasiveness significantly for fear of being institutionalized.

 

[t-rex]

Ironically, I did come here to get pushed. I was in a dark place, and I heard this was a place that would feed upon that, give me the tools I needed, and convince me that there was no point in sticking around.

I'm still here, so obviously that's not what happened.

Why do you think you're still here? Do you think it would have been different if the forum still allowed method talk?

I'm so tired of the limbo but I just don't think I have it in me to CTB. So I'm forced to stay and just decline further and further. :(

 

[onebigmistake]

Why do you think you're still here? Do you think it would have been different if the forum still allowed method talk?

I'm so tired of the limbo but I just don't think I have it in me to CTB. So I'm forced to stay and just decline further and further. :(

I'm scared. Scared of what's after. I've come close so many times over the years, and it's always been the fear keeping me here. I've lived through a lot of trauma— I don't think I'll ever have the guts if I didn't at the absolute lowest points of my life.

I don't mind that the method talk is limited to those who have a track record. It's such a taboo thing in our society that people will understandably see it as threatening if that info is readily available. I also don't think having it readily available would influence me much.

 

[Noctis]

Why do you think you're still here? Do you think it would have been different if the forum still allowed method talk?

I'm so tired of the limbo but I just don't think I have it in me to CTB. So I'm forced to stay and just decline further and further. :(

No, I got in just before method talk was banned, so I still had an arsenal of methods at my disposal. I mean I was met with support and people trying to talk me out of it, instead of the cesspool of predators that NYT described.