Hi, I am new here

[Ramon292]

I ve been reading this forum for a while now and it has become one of my favorite activity. I dont know if i belong here bc i dont really wanna kill myself. Even tho i dont wanna kill myself i have tried multiple times so im really contradicting myself but that just summarizes my life as a whole. I dont really enjoy anything anymore and also dont feel anything. Im pretty good at hiding this bc nobody suspects a thing. I learned how to express emotions even tho i dont feel them. I have to admit that ive become worse at this bc i keep loosing friends that i build over the years but i dont really care. Its becoming more and more frequent when i just dont pretend anymore and people are really shocked when they see that but in reality it has always been like that. In regards to suicide i dont want to die i dont see any point in it its just nothing for me... i dont find it peaceful or anything but at the same time i sometimes have episodes when i want or try to kill myself. It has to be some mental illnes but i dont want to talk about it to doctors bc then my facade that i built over the years would completely fall apart. For example i was standing at a sidewalk talking to a friend than suddenly i heard voices in head even tho it sounded like me and i was like arguing out loud and friend asked me tf am i doing and i just jumped into the road and car missed me by some cm and crashed i ran away and then i was back to not givingg a fuck. I literally didnt care for the guy that crashed i just continued my friend was really freaked out... Sometimes i have agressive episodes too... So i dont feel anything and live life pretending but sometimes episode appears and i express emotion when im sad i want to kill myself or just hurt myself... or i get agressive and i want to hurt not me but somebody else... similiar story as the story above but now agressive one: so i was also with a friend on at a bridge and guy was going besides me and called my friend faggot i just got angry tripped him and held him at the edge of a bridge and was teasing him i was laughing like tf but friend started crying so i let him go bc i didnt want to go to prison bc then again everything would fall apart.... episodes like this keep happening but most of the times i just dont feel anything and dont want anything.... dont want to die dont want to live just exist and imagine shit...

 

[whywere]

WELCOME to Sanctioned Suicide.

Walter

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Hello @Ramon292,

I dont know if i belong here bc i dont really wanna kill myself.

You belong here even if you don't want to CTB. Please know that you have not only choice, but also a voice.
Actually I'm here to survive. I'm suicidal but I'm trying to avoid attempting.

In regards to suicide i dont want to die i dont see any point in it its just nothing for me... i dont find it peaceful or anything but at the same time i sometimes have episodes when i want or try to kill myself. It has to be some mental illnes but i dont want to talk about it to doctors bc then my facade that i built over the years would completely fall apart.

Do you know if your experiences are hallucinations or not?
Although I'm not a doctor, I'm concerned, because an woman I met in a psych ward has schizophrenia and told me she sometimes had angry episodes.

I don't experience any psychotic episodes, so I don't have any advice if you have hallucinations, but other members might be able to help you.

Im pretty good at hiding this bc nobody suspects a thing. I learned how to express emotions even tho i dont feel them.

Me too, nobody knows I'm suicidal and actually I have a rope and a place to hang myself. And I'm good at expressing emotions when I don't feel them, and I'm even proud of it - it's an art of fitting in.

I'm so sorry that you are in anguish, but I wish you the best
LoiteringClouds

 

[Ramon292]

Hello @Ramon292,

You belong here even if you don't want to CTB. Please know that you have not only choice, but also a voice.
Actually I'm here to survive. I'm suicidal but I'm trying to avoid attempting.


Do you know if your experiences are hallucinations or not?
Although I'm not a doctor, I'm concerned, because an woman I met in a psych ward has schizophrenia and told me she sometimes had angry episodes.

I don't experience any psychotic episodes, so I don't have any advice if you have hallucinations, but other members might be able to help you.


Me too, nobody knows I'm suicidal and actually I have a rope and a place to hang myself. And I'm good at expressing emotions when I don't feel them, and I'm even proud of it - it's an art of fitting in.

I'm so sorry that you are in anguish, but I wish you the best
LoiteringClouds

hallucinations are rare for me but they sometimes happen... Last major hallucination i had was while hiking in mountains with my sister. I started to hear whispering but didnt see anything at first but then i saw my old friend XD its like a person thats pitch black... hard to describe no face and black figure. It was always sitting near the trail we were going and it was following me for like an hour but always sitting and just saying shit. This is rare tho mostly its just like conversation in my head. Its like me talking to myself but also like argument between two people its hard to describe for me. I see similiar creatures or what it is while falling asleep also. When i was younger and was religious i believed i was cursed and demons hunted me or some shit.

I tried talking to a therapist once and i barely said anything and she told me to go to psychiatrist but when i started to describe some of my problems i got sceptical bc it seemed like she was disgusted or something idk so i faked cried so that she tought i was sad about it and told me to take some pills and come back but i never did.... I get scared talking about me bc i feel like i will end up somewhere where i dont want to be and once i do everything i built even tho its just pretending will fall apart. I dont want that.

Thanks for reply, i cant talk about this to anybody bc almost everyone thinks im perfectly normal... Are you from Ukraine ? If so then you are my neighbour. Not the east one dont worry the good one.

 

[doneforlife]

Even I am new here. But I have been reading this forum for a while now. I at present am not suicidal. But I am struggling through certain physical illnesses and I don't see a bright future for myself. After knowing how difficult it is to get a VAD greenlighted (which earlier was my chosen way of exit) , I am now inclined more towards CTB. After all having knowledge doesn't hurt !.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

@Ramon292 Thanks so much for your reply

Thanks for reply, i cant talk about this to anybody bc almost everyone thinks im perfectly normal... Are you from Ukraine ? If so then you are my neighbour. Not the east one dont worry the good one.

No, I'm from Japan and not from Ukraine.
I know my PFP looks like the Ukrainian flag but blue and yellow are colors I love and not related to the country.

hallucinations are rare for me but they sometimes happen... Last major hallucination i had was while hiking in mountains with my sister. I started to hear whispering but didnt see anything at first but then i saw my old friend XD its like a person thats pitch black... hard to describe no face and black figure. It was always sitting near the trail we were going and it was following me for like an hour but always sitting and just saying shit. This is rare tho mostly its just like conversation in my head. Its like me talking to myself but also like argument between two people its hard to describe for me. I see similiar creatures or what it is while falling asleep also. When i was younger and was religious i believed i was cursed and demons hunted me or some shit.

I guess that's so frightening - and so sorry to hear that. Thanks for sharing. I heard you need medications if you see or hear hallucinations, but how do you think?

I tried talking to a therapist once and i barely said anything and she told me to go to psychiatrist but when i started to describe some of my problems i got sceptical bc it seemed like she was disgusted or something idk so i faked cried so that she tought i was sad about it and told me to take some pills and come back but i never did.... I get scared talking about me bc i feel like i will end up somewhere where i dont want to be and once i do everything i built even tho its just pretending will fall apart. I dont want that.

In your country, are you thrown into a psych ward when you tell a doctors/therapist you have hallucinations, or do you have any other reasons you have to pretend to be normal?
In Japan, involuntary commitment is rare and limited to the cases in which there is imminent danger to others or themselves.

Thanks so much for sharing your experience
I hope your life will be a bit more bearable

 

[Ramon292]

@Ramon292 Thanks so much for your reply

No, I'm from Japan and not from Ukraine.
I know my PFP looks like the Ukrainian flag but blue and yellow are colors I love and not related to the country.


I guess that's so frightening - and so sorry to hear that. Thanks for sharing. I heard you need medications if you see or hear hallucinations, but how do you think?


In your country, are you thrown into a psych ward when you tell a doctors/therapist you have hallucinations, or do you have any other reasons you have to pretend to be normal?
In Japan, involuntary commitment is rare and limited to the cases in which there is imminent danger to others or themselves.

Thanks so much for sharing your experience
I hope your life will be a bit more bearable

Well there can be also involuntary commitment but its limited to when you try to commit suicide i think or you are danger to others. I m more scared of people finding out bc if people knew it could danger my work and everything else. I tried some medication but it didnt really help much. Im from Slovakia btw. I would like to visit Japan in future I like to collect manga so it would be nice. If there was medication that would make me have emotions or give me drive to life or help me believe in something i would take it but that is just fantasy. I dont like my episodes but i experience emotions only during them. So even tho i hate them i like them in some way. Problem is that only emotions i feel during them are anger or sadness.

I would like to avoid suicide same as you but i cant help it when the feeling comes... And i dont think i can get ready for it when i dont know when it comes. Also its hard to prevent it when I dont enjoy life... I like observing people bc its interesting for me to watch people that believe in something and live life normally while I cant.

Thanks for listening btw.

 

[platypusfan]

Hi, welcome, I've found joining this forum has definitely helped thoughts like this, just being able to read what other people are saying. I understand what you mean, I also don't really feel anything, and have put on such a facade that when I try to go to therapy they don't know what to do because there's just nothing. I kind of just feel like I'm floating in nothingness. I hope you find a way to deal with your negative experiences and hopefully being able to talk about it openly on here can help. Btw.. nice pfp

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Well there can be also involuntary commitment but its limited to when you try to commit suicide i think or you are danger to others. I m more scared of people finding out bc if people knew it could danger my work and everything else. I tried some medication but it didnt really help much.

I see, I have bipolar II but I've never told it to anybody at work, because I don't want to be labeled "crazy."
I'm so sorry to hear that your meds didn't work... It feels like genuinely hopeless, I guess.

Im from Slovakia btw. I would like to visit Japan in future I like to collect manga so it would be nice.

I'm glad you like manga, although I don't read them
I didn't know much about Slovakia but now interested

If there was medication that would make me have emotions or give me drive to life or help me believe in something i would take it but that is just fantasy. I dont like my episodes but i experience emotions only during them. So even tho i hate them i like them in some way. Problem is that only emotions i feel during them are anger or sadness.

Not feeling anything is terrifying for me, because I can keep going thanks to love people have given to me. If I didn't feel love at all, I think the only option for me would be CTBing...

I would like to avoid suicide same as you but i cant help it when the feeling comes... And i dont think i can get ready for it when i dont know when it comes. Also its hard to prevent it when I dont enjoy life... I like observing people bc its interesting for me to watch people that believe in something and live life normally while I cant.

Thanks for listening btw.

Do you experience irresistible suicidal urges? I heard some people who hears voices feel like they're "commanded" to CTB, and it's terrifying I guess. Do you have anybody to turn to when you are suicidal?

I wish I had any advice or ideas, but I'm not an expert and all I can do is to listen to you.
Recently I'm on this forum every day, so I can talk to you ;)
Thanks for reading and I'll appreciate if you reply

LoiteringClouds