Hi everyone.
Finally able to discuss the ctb topic freely and openly. Wow. It's refreshing.
I'm a middle aged dude, and have had a hard life. Suffered through years of SA, had a crazy ex wife who was very abusive. Split years ago and her crazy persists to this day.
Met the love of my life and woman of my dreams 4 years ago. She is my world, and I am hers.
We built and intricately intertwined our lives together. Business, finances, kids. Everything.
My ex wife's action have escalate over the years, taking a huge toll on my current relationship, and on me. I fell into deep depression for a year or more, which got so bad I couldn't function. I withdrew, from everyone. Including the love of my life.
In the midst of my depression, she did and carried everything. I stopped working, she got a job. She paid the bills. She grocery shopped. She cooked. She cleaned. And on and on. And all the while giving everything she had to me mentally and emotionally.
She carried me like she was my mother and I was a boy. And feels exactly this.
We have been talking the past few days.
I have finally started to fight my way out of the hole I was in. And she reveals to me she is broken.
She hates who she's become, and doesn't know herself anymore.
And can't trust or believe that I won't fall back down a week or two from now.
And right now, we can't be together.
She loves me with everything she has. And sees such potential for us.
She said she has the door open for things to really truly repair. But, since she doesn't know who she is anymore, what she wants anymore, or where her path leads, there's no promises.
She believes and understands what happened, that it's not all my fault, and is knows I truly want to fix and work on our life together.
And then she left for 3 days to find herself.
And I am here alone.
Thing is, we run a home based business. We are in it together. Everything we have is in it. If we split, and I leave, she loses the house, and custody of her kids to her ex.
I have nothing. Gave everything up to move here to another state with her. No car, no money, nothing. I leave, I'm homeless. And I lose my kids to my ex
We talked about continuing to run the business. Have separate bedrooms, but for now keep each other at arms length. No hugs, no kisses, no cuddles. No sex.
But that this way we both get space, and we don't have to lose everything.
We continue to coparent,, and this way she can see if I'm truly a man of my word and making progress.
And we convene once a month to see where we're at.
I don't think I can. I just don't. That pain every single day is unbearable.
I want, and have always wanted, to give her and show her all the love I have every single day. I failed. And now I'm ready, she's broken.
I have spent most of my life wanting to ctb.
4 years ago, it was in process. Then she came in, and my life was saved.
I gave life one more chance. I screwed it up.
I'll screw it up again.
I do this, and maybe she decides yes, I've proven myself, and this is real. I'm not just spouting bs to get what I want. She gives me another chance.
I'll hurt her again. Like I've always done, to everyone.
I cannot consign myself to any further pain. I can not spend every day looking at her, seeing her, longing, with my heart breaking.
That will also destroy not only me, but all those around me.
There's no path forward here.
Ctb is the only way. Will it hurt them? Yeah. Temporarily. They'll get over it
Better than the constant pain of having to have me in their lives.
This way I can finally do some good, and make a sacrifice with the only thing I have. For the betterment of all.
I'm scared. I need help.
And not the kind that fills me with empty hopes and promises.
I'm done. I need help to go.
My mind is made up, and I'm doing my notes to everyone.
Don't know what else to say.
Finally able to discuss the ctb topic freely and openly. Wow. It's refreshing.
I'm a middle aged dude, and have had a hard life. Suffered through years of SA, had a crazy ex wife who was very abusive. Split years ago and her crazy persists to this day.
Met the love of my life and woman of my dreams 4 years ago. She is my world, and I am hers.
We built and intricately intertwined our lives together. Business, finances, kids. Everything.
My ex wife's action have escalate over the years, taking a huge toll on my current relationship, and on me. I fell into deep depression for a year or more, which got so bad I couldn't function. I withdrew, from everyone. Including the love of my life.
In the midst of my depression, she did and carried everything. I stopped working, she got a job. She paid the bills. She grocery shopped. She cooked. She cleaned. And on and on. And all the while giving everything she had to me mentally and emotionally.
She carried me like she was my mother and I was a boy. And feels exactly this.
We have been talking the past few days.
I have finally started to fight my way out of the hole I was in. And she reveals to me she is broken.
She hates who she's become, and doesn't know herself anymore.
And can't trust or believe that I won't fall back down a week or two from now.
And right now, we can't be together.
She loves me with everything she has. And sees such potential for us.
She said she has the door open for things to really truly repair. But, since she doesn't know who she is anymore, what she wants anymore, or where her path leads, there's no promises.
She believes and understands what happened, that it's not all my fault, and is knows I truly want to fix and work on our life together.
And then she left for 3 days to find herself.
And I am here alone.
Thing is, we run a home based business. We are in it together. Everything we have is in it. If we split, and I leave, she loses the house, and custody of her kids to her ex.
I have nothing. Gave everything up to move here to another state with her. No car, no money, nothing. I leave, I'm homeless. And I lose my kids to my ex
We talked about continuing to run the business. Have separate bedrooms, but for now keep each other at arms length. No hugs, no kisses, no cuddles. No sex.
But that this way we both get space, and we don't have to lose everything.
We continue to coparent,, and this way she can see if I'm truly a man of my word and making progress.
And we convene once a month to see where we're at.
I don't think I can. I just don't. That pain every single day is unbearable.
I want, and have always wanted, to give her and show her all the love I have every single day. I failed. And now I'm ready, she's broken.
I have spent most of my life wanting to ctb.
4 years ago, it was in process. Then she came in, and my life was saved.
I gave life one more chance. I screwed it up.
I'll screw it up again.
I do this, and maybe she decides yes, I've proven myself, and this is real. I'm not just spouting bs to get what I want. She gives me another chance.
I'll hurt her again. Like I've always done, to everyone.
I cannot consign myself to any further pain. I can not spend every day looking at her, seeing her, longing, with my heart breaking.
That will also destroy not only me, but all those around me.
There's no path forward here.
Ctb is the only way. Will it hurt them? Yeah. Temporarily. They'll get over it
Better than the constant pain of having to have me in their lives.
This way I can finally do some good, and make a sacrifice with the only thing I have. For the betterment of all.
I'm scared. I need help.
And not the kind that fills me with empty hopes and promises.
I'm done. I need help to go.
My mind is made up, and I'm doing my notes to everyone.
Don't know what else to say.
