Venting Heroin Relapse

[Rocksandsand]

I've organised a heroin deal tomorrow for a half ball (3.5g). If my partner finds out, he'll leave me. I'm not even sure why he's still here. He makes me feel awful all the time, but I am not brave enough to leave.

I don't know if I want to use it to CtB, or use it to feel nothing for a while. I have been clean for around 18 months.

I feel like my urge to use again is completely tied to the hopelessness and recklessness I feel now. I feel like I am hitting a new level of depression now. There's no light left.

 

[dreamofme]

@Rocksandsand feel for you and what youre going through, im sure others on here can relate too. For what its worth in imho , id not lose the person that has been with me through thick and thin. I mean if you want to ctb with it i believe its your choice but if your just looking for numbness , once that feeling goes away, you may be left in a worse position and having to deal with it without your partner. These are just my thoughts. P.S. if you ever need to chat feel free to PM me.

 

[Rocksandsand]

He's quite abusive. I'm not sure he would be that much of a loss logically speaking. I am just not brave enough to break it off.

 

[h0wd1rtygurlsST4Yc1n]

partners need to understand relapses. like i seriously thought it was something out of my system that would never ever ever ever ever happen again. my ex accused me of shit i wasn't doing......he was doing wierd shit behind my back! :( i really had a hard time for a long time. then i relapsed. im ok for now......its the future im scared of. but what is the point of living a drug free life for some one whos always accusing you of doing drugs and being a whore? you are better off fucked up :(

 

[Rocksandsand]

partners need to understand relapses. like i seriously thought it was something out of my system that would never ever ever ever ever happen again. my ex accused me of shit i wasn't doing......he was doing wierd shit behind my back! :( i really had a hard time for a long time. then i relapsed. im ok for now......its the future im scared of. but what is the point of living a drug free life for some one whos always accusing you of doing drugs and being a whore? you are better off fucked up :(

That's EXACTLY where my headspace is... I'd rather be fucked up than sober and constantly suspected...

 

[h0wd1rtygurlsST4Yc1n]

if you are going to cause more problems in my life than my fucking drug use does you need to fucking go!! like every time i try to stop using for a guy its always them blaming me for my past even if im trying to build a better future. they are never better for me. im better on my own.