I think the crash many bipolar people experience is one of the most hellish torment one can feel as a human. It is no wonder that the suicide rates are that high among bipolar people. So I crashed the whole day. Don't know why exactly. I slept bad this increased my anxiety. I met a friend and he could distract me. The crash was compared to my last psychoses comparitively less severe. But it still feel so fucking insanely bad. The intensity was less severe because I only have psychotic and manic episode and not a full episode but this will happen in the future eventually. I plan to kill myself then.
As some people might noticed. I am thinking way too much about my crush at college. Women can really drive me nuts. We barely had interactions so far. The main interaction is several months ago. I complimented her. First I thought she liked that. However I am now pretty convinced she considered that totally mental. I think she questions my sanity. I know that from another person. So she did not like that she rather considers me nuts. I think I behaved pretty weirdly and it is understandable that she reacted that way. But I am realizing that only since some days. I should not be that obsessed by her. It does not matter what she thinks. But I am really suffering in a pathological way. I will have to meet her in some weeks once again when the exams happen. And during exams I am acting weirdly so I will reinforce the bad impression. I should try to forget her. I fucked it up completely. To a point where the shit is way beyond repair.
The thing is I am obsessed what other people think of me. And I have the feeling the whole shit was embarrassing as fuck. I feel so ashamed for struggling with delusional thinking. It is hell on earth. It is so humiliating. The thoughts became worse within the day. At noon it was pretty insane. It is hard to translate but in my native language I got the perfect description for how this shit feels. I took a bath because it got pretty heavy to cope with. It felt like my inner organs contracted themselves. In slight intensity I still feel that this moment. It gets pretty difficult to breath. My need for air increases. I think it slightly feels like fainting. But I never experienced that. Further I feel like throwing up. I am feeling pretty sick. Though I never threw up due to it. Though it influences my stomach and digesting pretty heavily. Oh I really wonder why bipolar has such a high suicide rate.
When I told my mom who abused me as a child that I slept badly she told me shit happens. I am pretty angry on my family. I need to keep calm in front of them. My mom had a stroke further I plan to kill myself in case I relapse. I won't endure that insane shit if I get a psychosis. After a psychosis the feelings become extremely intense. Combined with extreme psychosomatic pain. The shit lasts at least an half year with extreme intensity 24/7. (in less intensity it lasted 2 years. Yeah holy shit.) Well I don't plan to let that this shit torture me endlessly.
I should try to forget her. She probably forgot the most. She probably considers me insane but we barely spoke afterwards. Still I feel like a sick fuck. A sick fuck that should kill himself soon. I am so fucking ashamed. Most of it is totally pathological and I know that. But it is impossible to get a distance to these thoughts. They are way too entrenched in my mind. Holy shit I hope so much that I succeed with killing myself in case I relapse. My plan is SN and I think I will be determined enough. The extreme pain will leave me no other option. I hope I can postpone it but I am scared as fuck. Today I take a sleeping pill.
As some people might noticed. I am thinking way too much about my crush at college. Women can really drive me nuts. We barely had interactions so far. The main interaction is several months ago. I complimented her. First I thought she liked that. However I am now pretty convinced she considered that totally mental. I think she questions my sanity. I know that from another person. So she did not like that she rather considers me nuts. I think I behaved pretty weirdly and it is understandable that she reacted that way. But I am realizing that only since some days. I should not be that obsessed by her. It does not matter what she thinks. But I am really suffering in a pathological way. I will have to meet her in some weeks once again when the exams happen. And during exams I am acting weirdly so I will reinforce the bad impression. I should try to forget her. I fucked it up completely. To a point where the shit is way beyond repair.
The thing is I am obsessed what other people think of me. And I have the feeling the whole shit was embarrassing as fuck. I feel so ashamed for struggling with delusional thinking. It is hell on earth. It is so humiliating. The thoughts became worse within the day. At noon it was pretty insane. It is hard to translate but in my native language I got the perfect description for how this shit feels. I took a bath because it got pretty heavy to cope with. It felt like my inner organs contracted themselves. In slight intensity I still feel that this moment. It gets pretty difficult to breath. My need for air increases. I think it slightly feels like fainting. But I never experienced that. Further I feel like throwing up. I am feeling pretty sick. Though I never threw up due to it. Though it influences my stomach and digesting pretty heavily. Oh I really wonder why bipolar has such a high suicide rate.
When I told my mom who abused me as a child that I slept badly she told me shit happens. I am pretty angry on my family. I need to keep calm in front of them. My mom had a stroke further I plan to kill myself in case I relapse. I won't endure that insane shit if I get a psychosis. After a psychosis the feelings become extremely intense. Combined with extreme psychosomatic pain. The shit lasts at least an half year with extreme intensity 24/7. (in less intensity it lasted 2 years. Yeah holy shit.) Well I don't plan to let that this shit torture me endlessly.
I should try to forget her. She probably forgot the most. She probably considers me insane but we barely spoke afterwards. Still I feel like a sick fuck. A sick fuck that should kill himself soon. I am so fucking ashamed. Most of it is totally pathological and I know that. But it is impossible to get a distance to these thoughts. They are way too entrenched in my mind. Holy shit I hope so much that I succeed with killing myself in case I relapse. My plan is SN and I think I will be determined enough. The extreme pain will leave me no other option. I hope I can postpone it but I am scared as fuck. Today I take a sleeping pill.
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