WitheringAway
Ima shake the champagne bottle...
- Jun 23, 2020
- 405
Hello community, I return today April 9th 2026. First time here since Oct 2023. I return devastated and utterly shattered into pieces. I honestly thought I would never return. That I'm cured from the suicidal thoughts. I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I was fit to live. Turned out it was all delusions and yet another sick joke from life. I've been in a relationship with someone since December 19th 2024. He loved me, cared about me. First time in my whole life I felt loved and cherished. He worshiped me. Literally. He was an addict before he knew me ; addicted to H specifically. He went to jail for a year. Lost his job, lost his car his money and dropped out of uni because of this. When he first knew me, he had been out of jail for 6 months. He told me about The atrocities he faced in jail; fights, hunger, cold showers and lack of sleep and noise. He cried telling me about the triggers he faced that led him to this addiction (his parents divorce and his mother abandoning him leaving him for his grandmother to raise him) he told me he had to steal at 9year old of age to feed his younger brother aged 7. Needless to say The trauma he endured was a lot and I'm not in a state of mind to say all of it. I cried in his arms he held my face with his hands looked me in the eyes told me to look in his and promised me "I would never do this to you I'm clean now" I encouraged him to finish uni which he did. But right after uni he was never serious about getting a job or bettering his life he would apply with old CVs, wrong email, wrong number. I was patient with him for a year through him being unemployed and me trying to support him financially. Until one day with the pressure I have at home and the pressure I have at work I snapped when he went late to a promising interview he promised me he would go early to. We had a nasty fight about it and I blocked him. He would guilt trip me sending me vids of him crying and begging and I would forgive him. And things just turned to a vicious cycle of me snapping at him because he's so careless and irresponsible. A couple months back he started throwing up randomly; I didn't think much of it. Now last week I stopped talking to him for a week because I was sick and he was completely off about it and careless. his mother started texting me about her suspicions of him relapsing to H. Told me he been throwing up; doesn't sleep at all or sleep all day, lost mad weight. I texted him and asked him to take a drug test. He agreed that he would do it for me. But he was dragging it making up excuses; I was insistent and mad until he did and while he was at the hospital; his mother texted me and told me his friend called her and told her that he had asked him for his urine to give it a fake sample for the test. I was completely devastated and didn't believe her. Until he admitted that the test was positive but he kept denying that he relapsed told me it was a mistake in the sample or maybe because he was taking painkiller. The thing is his mother now told me he relapsed because I was keeping a distance from him. Which triggered my suicidal thoughts. I feel completely responsible for his relapse. Especially since he would send me pics and vids of him crying and I thought he was being manipulative. I feel like I'm a horrible human being and I was no good to him. I hate myself. I know this post is all over the place and most of the things I want to say I didn't say it because I can't think straight I've been crying for hours straight. A tribble migraine was triggered. I took sumatriptan and I feel my head pounding and I can feel a vein under my ear pounding. I feel like this is prob it. He's gonna be the death of me. The pain is unbearable I feel stabbed in the heart my chest is tightening he fell asleep now cus he prob under the influence. I feel completely alone and shattered .
