Help Help with extremely obsessive thoughts

[calipalico]

Hello, I made an account here just to ask for help with this issue I have been struggling with for essentially my entire life, but this has only really occurred to me as an issue very recently.

I am extremely obsessive over other people. So much to the extent where if I feel left out, I become dangerously suicidal. (Though this is not the sole reason for my suicidal thoughts, more detail on this later) I find myself going into hysterics and down spiraling often, even the mere thought of being left alone terrifies me, just one day without talking with anyone I imagine myself crashing my own car and images of my dead body. Keeping myself busy with work does not settle these thoughts either. However, I assume others are constantly conspiring against me and act ingenuine around me. I think people want to kill me all the time, and yet these thoughts persist. I am not sure what to do, I am kind of stuck in life currently.

I have only began to gain friends recently and becoming a part of society, and after years of isolation and forming obsessive parasocial relationships, I find myself actually talking and bonding with real people again online. Problem is, I have to face this issue head on now. I never realized this was an issue for the longest time because my lack of any actual social experience.

I don't want to be suicidal anymore, I really don't. I want to make irl friends and make myself known to the world. Get a job and a house, you know, be a functioning member of society. Often I joke about suicide but I find myself lightheaded and shaking when I dwell on it too long. Nights are becoming scary because I can only think about killing myself. Much of my years were spent largely without companionship, mostly due to bullying, strict parents, a long family history of chronic depression, and undiagnosed autism. I am happy I am doing something with myself now, I am not the same useless person I used to be, but, I feel terrible talking to my online friends cause I cannot shake the feeling I am a burden because of my obsessive tendencies and a lack of self worth. One of my friends is meeting another in real life soon, I am unable to join because of school, but I am worried about how I will react. As mentioned above, just feeling left out is a risk. They will still be my friends after the matter, we have been talking genuinely for years now, and we have called many times, but I still think they hate me. Some months ago I took a short break from my online friends because I felt like I did not belong, but I only lasted a couple of days before my passive suicidal thoughts became active once again. I was open to them about why I left and the issues with my suicidal thoughts, and they were accepting, and yet, I feel terrible.

I want to grow, but I can't stop obsessing over unreasonable things, I am just so so scared of being alone again.

I am sorry if anything does not make sense, this is my first post, feel free to ask questions if you want. I am certain others have dealt with something similar and I am desperately seeking help.

 

[panda0342]

Surely do know that feeling. Paranoia, overwhelmed by fear of being killed, by some one close. Parents or siblings plotting. Hell, I even ran away once for a few months.

Also got a job, good at a lot of stuff. But same condition, suicidal. But, I figured mine out. It is extremely toxic family, Not getting accepted, CEN, Childhood sexual abuse, Narcissict and extremely controlling father, ADHD, Severe Depression, OCD and other stuff.

The only thing that worked for a few years was a relationship, but she broke up. And now back to same condition.
That's the only thing worked for me. Even the psychiatrist, who was treating me few years back, gave up.

His exact words,
"That's the best we can do to help you. I am afraid, we cannot further dosage for any of your medication. You should go for a second opinion"

Hello, I made an account here just to ask for help with this issue I have been struggling with for essentially my entire life, but this has only really occurred to me as an issue very recently.

I am extremely obsessive over other people. So much to the extent where if I feel left out, I become dangerously suicidal. (Though this is not the sole reason for my suicidal thoughts, more detail on this later) I find myself going into hysterics and down spiraling often, even the mere thought of being left alone terrifies me, just one day without talking with anyone I imagine myself crashing my own car and images of my dead body. Keeping myself busy with work does not settle these thoughts either. However, I assume others are constantly conspiring against me and act ingenuine around me. I think people want to kill me all the time, and yet these thoughts persist. I am not sure what to do, I am kind of stuck in life currently.

I have only began to gain friends recently and becoming a part of society, and after years of isolation and forming obsessive parasocial relationships, I find myself actually talking and bonding with real people again online. Problem is, I have to face this issue head on now. I never realized this was an issue for the longest time because my lack of any actual social experience.

I don't want to be suicidal anymore, I really don't. I want to make irl friends and make myself known to the world. Get a job and a house, you know, be a functioning member of society. Often I joke about suicide but I find myself lightheaded and shaking when I dwell on it too long. Nights are becoming scary because I can only think about killing myself. Much of my years were spent largely without companionship, mostly due to bullying, strict parents, a long family history of chronic depression, and undiagnosed autism. I am happy I am doing something with myself now, I am not the same useless person I used to be, but, I feel terrible talking to my online friends cause I cannot shake the feeling I am a burden because of my obsessive tendencies and a lack of self worth. One of my friends is meeting another in real life soon, I am unable to join because of school, but I am worried about how I will react. As mentioned above, just feeling left out is a risk. They will still be my friends after the matter, we have been talking genuinely for years now, and we have called many times, but I still think they hate me. Some months ago I took a short break from my online friends because I felt like I did not belong, but I only lasted a couple of days before my passive suicidal thoughts became active once again. I was open to them about why I left and the issues with my suicidal thoughts, and they were accepting, and yet, I feel terrible.

I want to grow, but I can't stop obsessing over unreasonable things, I am just so so scared of being alone again.

I am sorry if anything does not make sense, this is my first post, feel free to ask questions if you want. I am certain others have dealt with something similar and I am desperately seeking help.

I always fantasized about starting a new life. Someplace unknown, that provided some solace. I am here, If you need to talk about anything or wish to discuss anything. :)

I'll try my best to help you out.

 

[Redacted24]

Hi calipalico, welcome to our community. I've been here about a month and have found it really calming because we're all struggling here and can relate to some degree. You can be yourself, within the site rules, and you'll find a lot of folks on here to be supportive and kind.
I think it's great that you're pushing through the fear with courage. I have to do the same every day, because when I'm alone with my thoughts they get darker and I want it to end. So, I try to stay busy.
That doesn't help at night when I'm supposed to be sleeping, though, does it?
Anyway, great to meet you and look forward to seeing you around. You can do this! Be determined

 

[Mirrory Me]

I've also had traumatic experiences with relationships, because of which I've been afraid to spend time with other people and isolated myself to "safety". However, a person begins to feel bad if it does not get to interact in a healthy way with others, strange and negative thoughts about oneself (and also others) may develop. It sounds like you're in a pretty unstable state of mind, and it's good to talk to someone about these experiences. Try to be fair and respectful to yourself, do some safe and comfortable activities when you are alone.

 

[calipalico]

Surely do know that feeling. Paranoia, overwhelmed by fear of being killed, by some one close. Parents or siblings plotting. Hell, I even ran away once for a few months.

Also got a job, good at a lot of stuff. But same condition, suicidal. But, I figured mine out. It is extremely toxic family, Not getting accepted, CEN, Childhood sexual abuse, Narcissict and extremely controlling father, ADHD, Severe Depression, OCD and other stuff.

The only thing that worked for a few years was a relationship, but she broke up. And now back to same condition.
That's the only thing worked for me. Even the psychiatrist, who was treating me few years back, gave up.

His exact words,
"That's the best we can do to help you. I am afraid, we cannot further dosage for any of your medication. You should go for a second opinion"


I always fantasized about starting a new life. Someplace unknown, that provided some solace. I am here, If you need to talk about anything or wish to discuss anything. :)

I'll try my best to help you out.

yeah thank you, it is nice just to know for sure that other people have dealt with this. I didn't really go into this in the original post but a perk of meeting other people is knowing how insane your strict parents can be. Hopefully I can move out in the summer and with that cut a lot of the unnecessary control they have over my life. It is hard trying to grow when you know the people controlling you would disapprove of who you want to become.

Also yeah.. I have tried with the medical help for years and it really has not done much of anything....this is something I will have to do myself. The only reason so far I have not killed myself is the thought of moving out.

I've also had traumatic experiences with relationships, because of which I've been afraid to spend time with other people and isolated myself to "safety". However, a person begins to feel bad if it does not get to interact in a healthy way with others, strange and negative thoughts about oneself (and also others) may develop. It sounds like you're in a pretty unstable state of mind, and it's good to talk to someone about these experiences. Try to be fair and respectful to yourself, do some safe and comfortable activities when you are alone.

I told my friends about my obsession, one of them who went through something similar years prior encouraged some activities to do to help. I will try them out when things get scary. My reasonable side tells me not to worry but my more primal, inward side can't help but freak out.

 

[Mirrory Me]

I told my friends about my obsession, one of them who went through something similar years prior encouraged some activities to do to help. I will try them out when things get scary. My reasonable side tells me not to worry but my more primal, inward side can't help but freak out.

They can be very simple things you can do to cheer yourself up and relax yourself. For example, by making a strong cup of black tea. In addition to antioxidants, it also contains l-theanine, theobromine and caffeine, which have been shown to be good for the brain health.

 

[DeadHead]

Those thoughts are not your own. Check out the work of jerry marzinsky.

Meanwhile, put an elastic band around your wrist and snap it against your skin as hard as you can every time you are plagued by those thoughts.

Also say psalm 23 out loud, you don't have to be Christian for it to work, I'm not. Or there's an equivalent verse from the Koran but I don't know exactly which it is.