I am a person who's contemplated suicide many times. I've never had many friends. I am Bi-Polar... I always make people hate me, and I feel angry, and miserable most of the time. 7 years ago I had just gotten out of a miserable relationship where me and the other person grew to resent eachother. She was sorta still one of the only people I really had as any sort of support, so losing her hurt so much that I started dating again... I was still relatively attractive then. Shortly after (about a year almost) we broke up I found another person who sorta became a beacon of hope for me. This girl cared about me, and I her. Our relationship had its ups and downs, like all relationships do, but we fought through our issues, and she asked me to marry her, and told me she wanted a kid, and loved me... and never wanted to lose me etc.
Until recently. Over the last year, we've been fighting a bit more than usual since we'd started a business with my best friend. We both realized we've hit rough patch, so I'd been getting therapy, and am now on Risperidone to help with my Bi-Polar... I've done a lot of work on myself to help on my end. Yet she felt that I was still dragging on the relationship... (At this point it's in her head. I've been doing so much to change my habits for her) she was about to break up with me... then I suggested a physical break of sorts. Throughout this break she's been more physically touchy feely than before - hugging me a ton, playing with my hair a lot... and snuggling me out of no where a lot - No kissing or sexual touch though... which is honestly hard for me since we had such a healthy sex life before. The other night she told me she had been thinking of sleeping with other people, and that she thought the concept of having sex with only one person was weird to her.
Long story short I didn't judge for those thoughts... those are sorta normal to an extent. I however cannot imagine her with another man/woman. It feels like a spear has been stuck into my gut. I feel miserable. I did get her to agree to finally try therapy on her end since she obviously has some issues of her own to work through, and she has told me she was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder (very, very mild though) when she was a teenager.
Every time I have thought of suicide because of how miserable I am - I am talked down, and continue to feel miserable. It's like people want me to suffer and don't understand that I have very little in the way of good helping me cling on.
I need a support system that understands the feeling of utter hopelessness and despair I feel with her out of the equation. Yes I have my business but I hate my customers, and feel miserable when I am there as well. (it's a gameshop)
I mostly joined for support, but I also need someway to find "N" because I am afraid to die due to pain... and would like a mostly painless, and peaceful death.
Anyways, hello, I'm roboto.
Until recently. Over the last year, we've been fighting a bit more than usual since we'd started a business with my best friend. We both realized we've hit rough patch, so I'd been getting therapy, and am now on Risperidone to help with my Bi-Polar... I've done a lot of work on myself to help on my end. Yet she felt that I was still dragging on the relationship... (At this point it's in her head. I've been doing so much to change my habits for her) she was about to break up with me... then I suggested a physical break of sorts. Throughout this break she's been more physically touchy feely than before - hugging me a ton, playing with my hair a lot... and snuggling me out of no where a lot - No kissing or sexual touch though... which is honestly hard for me since we had such a healthy sex life before. The other night she told me she had been thinking of sleeping with other people, and that she thought the concept of having sex with only one person was weird to her.
Long story short I didn't judge for those thoughts... those are sorta normal to an extent. I however cannot imagine her with another man/woman. It feels like a spear has been stuck into my gut. I feel miserable. I did get her to agree to finally try therapy on her end since she obviously has some issues of her own to work through, and she has told me she was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder (very, very mild though) when she was a teenager.
Every time I have thought of suicide because of how miserable I am - I am talked down, and continue to feel miserable. It's like people want me to suffer and don't understand that I have very little in the way of good helping me cling on.
I need a support system that understands the feeling of utter hopelessness and despair I feel with her out of the equation. Yes I have my business but I hate my customers, and feel miserable when I am there as well. (it's a gameshop)
I mostly joined for support, but I also need someway to find "N" because I am afraid to die due to pain... and would like a mostly painless, and peaceful death.
Anyways, hello, I'm roboto.
