Aleatory lyz
Member
- Jun 29, 2020
- 6
hello, I would like to leave a brief warning of apologies if there is an error in grammar, my English is not the best, anyway, i would like to leave me as anonymous (my name was just a sequence of random letters).
Well, I was seeing reports of suicides, or people exhausted from all this chaos.
I am fully aware that I am a privileged, but not so much, my parents, how could i say?
my parents are divorced, however much it may not be a problem
of course there was all that drama of the family breaking up or the family that I could never really have, but as not everything is flowers, I was a child, but I barely knew all the secrets unclean
my parents come from a christian religion (i really don't have anything against religions), but my dad was very toxic with my older sister, because he demanded imposed attitudes on us, both my sister as my mom and me, and it really breaks me because i just wish i could make everyone well.
I remember my mother's crying and hellish screams, she used to make jokes that today ... don't seem healthy, maybe that's why I didn't have a childhood, I concentrated on always being mature, always willing to take care of my mom and I really had no feeling, I know that because she told me, I looked like a soul that was only there to obey.
and somehow I recovered, but maybe 3 years later I was transferred to a new school, in which the students were not educated, and I started to hate myself more and more, and as a silly child, I tried to kill several times, but I had to continue, and this is one of the times I ask myself today, "why were you so afraid to say what was happening?" well, after years i learned to adapt, because i'm not the same person who used to go to school, i prefer to summarize the story a little because i don't want to go into details and, when i was 10, i was abused by a boy who used to scared at school, we just exchanged messages the other day and he forgot, but I feel disgusted, it wasn't too bad, because it was very uncomfortable, something that clearly friends wouldn't do. Well, years later i continued to be abused by some friends, of course from the years i became aware, but every day i felt repulsion and total disgust for myself, besides the body, my own soul,
reading this is a waste of time as it is just a random outburst, people who seek help if something is wrong, because I was never able to get help, in 2018 I went into a deep depression, in which I did not go out, did not eat, literally not I was doing nothing, that's when I noticed my psychological problems, but this year ... I never thought I would reach this level, I have hallucinations, I had forgotten the name, but anyway, schizophrenia.
and all this causes me a lot of fear and dread, because I can't stop imagining my death or other things like that.
and it persecutes me, so much, that it's been a month that I don't sleep normally, I sleep only when I'm totally tired, so I can't even think about the hallucinations or every disgusting monstrosity that causes me suffocations and so many bad wills, but even without professional advice (because I have no income for this and my parents do not support the idea) I try to ignore and do what I always do, step outside and try to calm myself, by the way, I even got acquainted with some of the spirits.
thanks to everyone who read it, finally, i would like to leave a question, why do so many people treat these subjects with censorship? Of course, there are people of bad character, but why not accept that the best way is to turn to someone with an experience?
Well, I was seeing reports of suicides, or people exhausted from all this chaos.
I am fully aware that I am a privileged, but not so much, my parents, how could i say?
my parents are divorced, however much it may not be a problem
of course there was all that drama of the family breaking up or the family that I could never really have, but as not everything is flowers, I was a child, but I barely knew all the secrets unclean
my parents come from a christian religion (i really don't have anything against religions), but my dad was very toxic with my older sister, because he demanded imposed attitudes on us, both my sister as my mom and me, and it really breaks me because i just wish i could make everyone well.
I remember my mother's crying and hellish screams, she used to make jokes that today ... don't seem healthy, maybe that's why I didn't have a childhood, I concentrated on always being mature, always willing to take care of my mom and I really had no feeling, I know that because she told me, I looked like a soul that was only there to obey.
and somehow I recovered, but maybe 3 years later I was transferred to a new school, in which the students were not educated, and I started to hate myself more and more, and as a silly child, I tried to kill several times, but I had to continue, and this is one of the times I ask myself today, "why were you so afraid to say what was happening?" well, after years i learned to adapt, because i'm not the same person who used to go to school, i prefer to summarize the story a little because i don't want to go into details and, when i was 10, i was abused by a boy who used to scared at school, we just exchanged messages the other day and he forgot, but I feel disgusted, it wasn't too bad, because it was very uncomfortable, something that clearly friends wouldn't do. Well, years later i continued to be abused by some friends, of course from the years i became aware, but every day i felt repulsion and total disgust for myself, besides the body, my own soul,
reading this is a waste of time as it is just a random outburst, people who seek help if something is wrong, because I was never able to get help, in 2018 I went into a deep depression, in which I did not go out, did not eat, literally not I was doing nothing, that's when I noticed my psychological problems, but this year ... I never thought I would reach this level, I have hallucinations, I had forgotten the name, but anyway, schizophrenia.
and all this causes me a lot of fear and dread, because I can't stop imagining my death or other things like that.
and it persecutes me, so much, that it's been a month that I don't sleep normally, I sleep only when I'm totally tired, so I can't even think about the hallucinations or every disgusting monstrosity that causes me suffocations and so many bad wills, but even without professional advice (because I have no income for this and my parents do not support the idea) I try to ignore and do what I always do, step outside and try to calm myself, by the way, I even got acquainted with some of the spirits.
thanks to everyone who read it, finally, i would like to leave a question, why do so many people treat these subjects with censorship? Of course, there are people of bad character, but why not accept that the best way is to turn to someone with an experience?
