Sivart
Member
- Jan 12, 2024
- 6
I am suffering beyond belief with auditory damage. I have been healthy all my life and done loud stuff like most of us have. Never had a problem with ears. I have lead a very stressful life sadly due to a narcissist family that has allowed my older sibling to torture me right in front of their eyes.. and discredit what happened or downplay the abuse, even when stiches and concussion involved for me at a very early age. I can't even begin to tell you how hard it has been unraveling the web of lies they spun since single digits and I so wish I would of had the mind to reach out to CPS as a single digits or other family to say please help me get away from my immediate family. I just cant believe it took me till I lost my health being around them to realize I was the one healthy minded want the best for everyone person and I stupidly kept telling the truth to a family that supported my older brother who has been telling me to kill myself since 2014 and doing horrible mind games and physical violence to me all my and my families life. Anyways long story short, staying close to them got my health killed. Narcissist abuse and gaslighting damages your brain tremendously. Like some kinda sick stockholm trauma bond shit most of my life until he told me to kill myself in 2014 I was still on their team and letting them just murder my soul over and over again, and even after him sayng that and me waking up some I contiunted to let them be in my life and abuse me and him tell me to kill myself many many times after that even infront of my mother. No one did shit. They have been turning a blind eye to his shit all my life... and come to find out cause they are just as vile as him deep down. My mother let him sit in her ear till she became exactly like him. Even after cutting him off and paying off all my debts.
So down fall finally comes when I am breaking free. I have them all blocked I feel for the last time and months go by and I feel great. Then my mother shows up at my house and starts pushing me to go get the covid vaccine... I cave and get one. Tinnitus starts in quiet, I stupidly forget about it. Good friend dies and I stupidly start drinking again after being sober for months from everything. I spiral. I continue to work. Jan 2022 rolls around and my dad invites me over to see his band play in a 12x12 room and they crank it and end my liveable level of tinnitus. It becomes reactive and hyperacusis sets in. The doctors are stupid as can be and instead of prescribing rest and time off work and to protect ears as much as possible. They prescribe the very same things that damage me. Not to over protect my ears as itll make sound sensitivity worse they say.... and to take Valium , a AD and Gabapentin. I only take a few and it seems worse so I stop. Tinnitus is never stable because constant everyday noise is loud and making it spike. I keep going like a dumb ass walking on a broken leg. The doctors could of saved me with steroid injections to the ears right away when i called them the next day after noise exposure... but proper protocol for physical damaged to ears is still ... ITS ALL MENTAL in their opinions. So the inflamation runs a muck. April rolls around and another sound exposure takes me to homebound status. All sounds are worsening me and I am hiding in my room. My stupid family doesnt take hyperacusis seriously at all and thinks me protecting the sound tolerance I have left is making it worse. They trick me into hospital inject me with ototoxic benzo ativan and throw me in a mental ward with drug addicts and use my weakness against me once again like they have all my life.. PURE narcissist trash parading around like they are good people. My ears worsen from the loudness and drugs im exposed too. I finally see a doctor and he says wow... this is the last place you need to be. THere is nothing mental with you . Just ear damage. They precribe more benzos on my way out. I dont take them when I get home and cousin and family and everyone pressures me to take them. I take them and get hooked to the temp relief they give me and they worsen tinnitus to deathly state. Things spiral downward from there cause sound tolerance goes completely to zero. Like beyond zero. There is much much much more to the story..
But in the end my forced suicide has been brought on by staying near a narcissist family and getting extreme auditory damage that I would never had ,, had I trusted my gut to get away. I am sorry for the wall of text. THey have ruined my mind body and soul. All i have ever been is a truth seeker and teller... but that shit gets you killed obviously if you are around the wrong people. Auditory damage has no limit to how bad it can get . It should be medically documented that its damage that makes people take their life. Not anything mental. If I didn't have these ear conditions I would be the happiest man in the world. Like I was before the ear damage but even more happy cause I realize now I need no one in my life but my animals. Humans are pure poison for the most part and if I had got away from most I would never be in this situation.
I dunno how to do it. I need a sure fire painless way to die. I have considered SN, Hanging. Drinking a bunch and benzos and charcoaling in my van. I dunno what to do. How the hell do you CTB when you have no desire to die but you are being tortured by everyday sounds and tinnitus is ringing 130db in your head and keeps getting louder?!!
So down fall finally comes when I am breaking free. I have them all blocked I feel for the last time and months go by and I feel great. Then my mother shows up at my house and starts pushing me to go get the covid vaccine... I cave and get one. Tinnitus starts in quiet, I stupidly forget about it. Good friend dies and I stupidly start drinking again after being sober for months from everything. I spiral. I continue to work. Jan 2022 rolls around and my dad invites me over to see his band play in a 12x12 room and they crank it and end my liveable level of tinnitus. It becomes reactive and hyperacusis sets in. The doctors are stupid as can be and instead of prescribing rest and time off work and to protect ears as much as possible. They prescribe the very same things that damage me. Not to over protect my ears as itll make sound sensitivity worse they say.... and to take Valium , a AD and Gabapentin. I only take a few and it seems worse so I stop. Tinnitus is never stable because constant everyday noise is loud and making it spike. I keep going like a dumb ass walking on a broken leg. The doctors could of saved me with steroid injections to the ears right away when i called them the next day after noise exposure... but proper protocol for physical damaged to ears is still ... ITS ALL MENTAL in their opinions. So the inflamation runs a muck. April rolls around and another sound exposure takes me to homebound status. All sounds are worsening me and I am hiding in my room. My stupid family doesnt take hyperacusis seriously at all and thinks me protecting the sound tolerance I have left is making it worse. They trick me into hospital inject me with ototoxic benzo ativan and throw me in a mental ward with drug addicts and use my weakness against me once again like they have all my life.. PURE narcissist trash parading around like they are good people. My ears worsen from the loudness and drugs im exposed too. I finally see a doctor and he says wow... this is the last place you need to be. THere is nothing mental with you . Just ear damage. They precribe more benzos on my way out. I dont take them when I get home and cousin and family and everyone pressures me to take them. I take them and get hooked to the temp relief they give me and they worsen tinnitus to deathly state. Things spiral downward from there cause sound tolerance goes completely to zero. Like beyond zero. There is much much much more to the story..
But in the end my forced suicide has been brought on by staying near a narcissist family and getting extreme auditory damage that I would never had ,, had I trusted my gut to get away. I am sorry for the wall of text. THey have ruined my mind body and soul. All i have ever been is a truth seeker and teller... but that shit gets you killed obviously if you are around the wrong people. Auditory damage has no limit to how bad it can get . It should be medically documented that its damage that makes people take their life. Not anything mental. If I didn't have these ear conditions I would be the happiest man in the world. Like I was before the ear damage but even more happy cause I realize now I need no one in my life but my animals. Humans are pure poison for the most part and if I had got away from most I would never be in this situation.
I dunno how to do it. I need a sure fire painless way to die. I have considered SN, Hanging. Drinking a bunch and benzos and charcoaling in my van. I dunno what to do. How the hell do you CTB when you have no desire to die but you are being tortured by everyday sounds and tinnitus is ringing 130db in your head and keeps getting louder?!!
