Empyress
sadnes
- Nov 29, 2022
- 13
hello! so well basically i dont even know what i am doing anymore, but i guess talking about my feelings with someone maybe will help i dont know, i dont have anyone else to talk to about it hence why im here i guess, im sure there are many people here who suffer more than me or who deal with similiar issues but well for starters i dont really consider myself a "strong" person like how some people it feels like they could get shit on forever and have horrible life but for some reason still cling to life? i dont know, anyways so i used to be suicidal for awhile but i wasnt as serious as i am now for quite some time, idk if anyone will even read this but so:
so i guess my issues are difficult (for me) cause theres many of them and each of them make dealing with the others exponentially more difficult, for starters i am not someone whos comfortable in my body, its not that i look horrible its just i wish i was a girl (not because its "better" or something, but specifically for the type of person i am and lifestyle id like to live esp in terms of being accepted in society it would fit me much more), if i could just be a housewife id probably be happy i really dont need much in a way, i just want to love someone and dedicate myself to them, i want someone to be my meaning and lead me, and i would support them and always be there for them to oversimplify, but well i cant have that but at some point i accepted and moved on (oh and regarding transitioning stuff well its expensive+ im in one of those non-progressive countries so easier said than done), well i thought/felt like i can still find happiness in life thru hobbies or something, well it worked for awhile to a degree but eventually i met someone and well lets just say i was going thru pretty hard time (was gonna get drafted at around same time too which didnt help) in the end i didnt get drafted since i had terrible eyesight and also something else i did to make sure i didnt match requirements just in case the eyesight alone wasnt enough, (it was tho)
anyways the person i met around that time well basically helped me for once, i feel like its common feeling here id assume where in life whenever theres a problem no matter how shit it is no matter how unfair it is no matter how much its not your fault/deserved, no one gives a shit about you and no one will do anything about it, and thats how i felt since well the way i grew up to put it simply my father is a dumbass and i dont mean just because hes old or not up with the times no i mean hes like to give some random examples hes anti-semitic, he believes those shitty random facebook ads that show some "magic" fixing furniture in 2 seconds products or like other extremely obviously fake crap, my mom well she used to be just lazy and just technically exist there but as of recent times she developed an alcohol addiction (oh they both smoke for ages btw) and also i should add both my parents had like no money like ever when raising me, i wish they neved had me kinda cause for me its super obvious that if u can barely support urselves dont have kids now, have kids later when u can properly feed and support them and stuff assuming u want them, well anyways it is what it is
so i started earning some money on my own in like early teens to buy stuff i wanted cause well i am good at computer art stuff i guess and because people would give positive feedback i guess i kinda ended up going that rabbithole and becoming relatively really good at that stuff, but i still was quite alone, oh and i was bullied in school bla bla cuz of weird name for the country i am (its generic af name globally just weird for my country) and having marginally darker skin than rest of kids cuz my dad is from caucasus (its not even dark its just like, not generic full blood european white), anyways uhh
so back on topic well so i was in that bad situation around the draft time and well that someone i met actually helped me, sure it was kinda cuz well so i had this habit of helping other people with art stuff or advice etc whenever id see it since well, it feels nice to help people, it feels when people are grateful for wat u did so, i guess its why i really wish i was just a housewife i just wanna dedicate myself to someone anyways so, i helped them with art stuff and they gave a shit about me and later on even sold some in game item things to give me some money which for me was unprecedented, like, someone giving me something like that not just saying meaningless positive fluff or about how itll "get better" even tho it wont magically unless u do something about it except its obv not something u just "do" its commonly out of ur control or unreasonably difficult due to circumstance
anyways i was really happy cause they actually gave a shit about me, and well they were kinda dumber than me (they would admit taht too if i asked im not being insensitive or something, if anything i mean it in a endearing way altho i doubt other people besides us two would understand, we'd call eachother idiots and similar things in endearing way eventually) anyways so i started teaching them art stuff and they were there for me and we would kinda work together in a partnership thing kinda, and well eventually my draft stuff got over with and well we were happy about it and we kinda started dating i guess and well i was kinda basically guiding them and teaching them everything i knew and id spend hours even when i wouldnt feel like it cuz ofc when id help randoms id only do it when i feel like it, and it wasnt just art just most tech stuff in general, anyways and in return they accepted me and would make me feel like maybe i dont have to be a girl, maybe someone would love me as if i was a girl despite if i cant accept myself, maybe someone is there who would accept me, and i was super happy and fulfilled, anyways well tldr we were together for around 2 years (also its online but for me that never took anyting away since idk i guess while i dont consider myself a idealist i have some ideallistic tendencies? and so i always felt like i love them as who they are not thier body or how they look or voice or anything, i love thier conciousness in a way i guess, and i felt like they felt the same way, or atleast i hope, i cant read thier mind)
anyways i guess back on topic because of how i feel love it also results in a power dynamic where i wish to give away control cause well, i love the person theyre the love of my life and stuff ya? so well for me perfect love is when i give up everything and they would still love me even tho they could easily leave and possibly be better off, but they wouldnt cause i am thiers and they are mine (like i said im kinda ideallist about that stuff)
anyways well tldr eventually i wouldnt speak to customers directly they would do it and stuff and also it wasnt my demand or something they liked being in control too which is why i felt like we are such good match, also theyd emote more and be more silly sometimes which i loved anyways so, tldr with time everything i could teach them i taught over the 2 years within reason or if i didnt then i gave them lots resources to where to learn from that i looked into for them, and they basically would talk to customers and eventually i removed all my friends and basically isolated myself from everyone, because well we both basically liked that i guess, i dont need other people i only need them cause theyre my meaning, i still feel that way but anyways
well i bet u can imagine how it ended up to a degree, well awhile ago now i guess around 6 monthishs ago i guess they just decided they dont love me anymore and well, i guess i still cant accept it and cant move on, i still view them as my meaning, i still view them as my person, and i am thiers, i still value and cherish all those minor things only us two know, kinda like inside jokes, etc but well theyve blocked me at this point quite a few times, i do think they feel bad for me, and i dont neccisarily think they left me from malicious reasons, i think they just grew and changed lots as a person since being with me, but the result is well, i have no one lol, they are my everything, and i just cannot move on, like at all
at same time even if i think they do care about me a bit and would >prefer< if i was ok i think its clear at this point while its a preference if it wont happen its whatever, i guess, theyre kinda like what id EXPECT people to be like, not the person who once helped me when i felt like no one would, as in, everyone has thier own stuff and who cares about other people's problems, which i understand but, i understand it if its someone else, not my true love
in any case i am really alone and well i do feel like i probably should CTB since well i really tried to live imo? (oh and there were lots lots other minor aspects but i dont wanna give my entire life story no one would probably read anyways, but i guess this is kinda like the final straw) at some point when i was with that person i told to myself, life has fucked me over many many times but finally i feel like i got lucky for once, this love is better than one could expect, not just "reasonable" its amazing, its how i felt, so i told myself ill give a chance, if they leave me well then fuck it i tried but the world is just a shithole i guess, i mean i know it is but knowing and feeling it firsthand are diff things, around the draft period i felt pretty terrible too, it was like i was existing but i felt like CTB was inevitable just matter of how long ill drag along, but i guess im back to feeling that way except its worse since well, everyone i had i dont have anymore since i only had that one person special to me but now theyre gone and also theyre doing great since unlike me theyre good at being social and advertising themselves and putting themselves out there etc, not being bothered by minor things and stuff, and ya im just alone i gues really sad and i still love them lots
oh and also i hate art btw, now that i grew up as a person i sooo wish i got into math or programming or something instead, not saying its better/easier w.e but once again same as with gender, it just fits who i am much more, the reasons i got into art back then were all wrong, i liked the competitiveness of like, trying to improve and be best or w.e that means but tldr art is terrible for that cause "best" is super subjective, whereas things like math or programming feel much more "objective", like you can measure if certain piece of code executes faster at runtime or something as an example, and tldr im one of those people who like to optimize things and do pointless meaningless things 'the efficient way" and spending too much time on that stuff, i guess its part of what makes me who i am but ya, didnt know where else to put this but i think the title should be enough of a deterrent for if anyone expects something well structured and organized
so i guess my issues are difficult (for me) cause theres many of them and each of them make dealing with the others exponentially more difficult, for starters i am not someone whos comfortable in my body, its not that i look horrible its just i wish i was a girl (not because its "better" or something, but specifically for the type of person i am and lifestyle id like to live esp in terms of being accepted in society it would fit me much more), if i could just be a housewife id probably be happy i really dont need much in a way, i just want to love someone and dedicate myself to them, i want someone to be my meaning and lead me, and i would support them and always be there for them to oversimplify, but well i cant have that but at some point i accepted and moved on (oh and regarding transitioning stuff well its expensive+ im in one of those non-progressive countries so easier said than done), well i thought/felt like i can still find happiness in life thru hobbies or something, well it worked for awhile to a degree but eventually i met someone and well lets just say i was going thru pretty hard time (was gonna get drafted at around same time too which didnt help) in the end i didnt get drafted since i had terrible eyesight and also something else i did to make sure i didnt match requirements just in case the eyesight alone wasnt enough, (it was tho)
anyways the person i met around that time well basically helped me for once, i feel like its common feeling here id assume where in life whenever theres a problem no matter how shit it is no matter how unfair it is no matter how much its not your fault/deserved, no one gives a shit about you and no one will do anything about it, and thats how i felt since well the way i grew up to put it simply my father is a dumbass and i dont mean just because hes old or not up with the times no i mean hes like to give some random examples hes anti-semitic, he believes those shitty random facebook ads that show some "magic" fixing furniture in 2 seconds products or like other extremely obviously fake crap, my mom well she used to be just lazy and just technically exist there but as of recent times she developed an alcohol addiction (oh they both smoke for ages btw) and also i should add both my parents had like no money like ever when raising me, i wish they neved had me kinda cause for me its super obvious that if u can barely support urselves dont have kids now, have kids later when u can properly feed and support them and stuff assuming u want them, well anyways it is what it is
so i started earning some money on my own in like early teens to buy stuff i wanted cause well i am good at computer art stuff i guess and because people would give positive feedback i guess i kinda ended up going that rabbithole and becoming relatively really good at that stuff, but i still was quite alone, oh and i was bullied in school bla bla cuz of weird name for the country i am (its generic af name globally just weird for my country) and having marginally darker skin than rest of kids cuz my dad is from caucasus (its not even dark its just like, not generic full blood european white), anyways uhh
so back on topic well so i was in that bad situation around the draft time and well that someone i met actually helped me, sure it was kinda cuz well so i had this habit of helping other people with art stuff or advice etc whenever id see it since well, it feels nice to help people, it feels when people are grateful for wat u did so, i guess its why i really wish i was just a housewife i just wanna dedicate myself to someone anyways so, i helped them with art stuff and they gave a shit about me and later on even sold some in game item things to give me some money which for me was unprecedented, like, someone giving me something like that not just saying meaningless positive fluff or about how itll "get better" even tho it wont magically unless u do something about it except its obv not something u just "do" its commonly out of ur control or unreasonably difficult due to circumstance
anyways i was really happy cause they actually gave a shit about me, and well they were kinda dumber than me (they would admit taht too if i asked im not being insensitive or something, if anything i mean it in a endearing way altho i doubt other people besides us two would understand, we'd call eachother idiots and similar things in endearing way eventually) anyways so i started teaching them art stuff and they were there for me and we would kinda work together in a partnership thing kinda, and well eventually my draft stuff got over with and well we were happy about it and we kinda started dating i guess and well i was kinda basically guiding them and teaching them everything i knew and id spend hours even when i wouldnt feel like it cuz ofc when id help randoms id only do it when i feel like it, and it wasnt just art just most tech stuff in general, anyways and in return they accepted me and would make me feel like maybe i dont have to be a girl, maybe someone would love me as if i was a girl despite if i cant accept myself, maybe someone is there who would accept me, and i was super happy and fulfilled, anyways well tldr we were together for around 2 years (also its online but for me that never took anyting away since idk i guess while i dont consider myself a idealist i have some ideallistic tendencies? and so i always felt like i love them as who they are not thier body or how they look or voice or anything, i love thier conciousness in a way i guess, and i felt like they felt the same way, or atleast i hope, i cant read thier mind)
anyways i guess back on topic because of how i feel love it also results in a power dynamic where i wish to give away control cause well, i love the person theyre the love of my life and stuff ya? so well for me perfect love is when i give up everything and they would still love me even tho they could easily leave and possibly be better off, but they wouldnt cause i am thiers and they are mine (like i said im kinda ideallist about that stuff)
anyways well tldr eventually i wouldnt speak to customers directly they would do it and stuff and also it wasnt my demand or something they liked being in control too which is why i felt like we are such good match, also theyd emote more and be more silly sometimes which i loved anyways so, tldr with time everything i could teach them i taught over the 2 years within reason or if i didnt then i gave them lots resources to where to learn from that i looked into for them, and they basically would talk to customers and eventually i removed all my friends and basically isolated myself from everyone, because well we both basically liked that i guess, i dont need other people i only need them cause theyre my meaning, i still feel that way but anyways
well i bet u can imagine how it ended up to a degree, well awhile ago now i guess around 6 monthishs ago i guess they just decided they dont love me anymore and well, i guess i still cant accept it and cant move on, i still view them as my meaning, i still view them as my person, and i am thiers, i still value and cherish all those minor things only us two know, kinda like inside jokes, etc but well theyve blocked me at this point quite a few times, i do think they feel bad for me, and i dont neccisarily think they left me from malicious reasons, i think they just grew and changed lots as a person since being with me, but the result is well, i have no one lol, they are my everything, and i just cannot move on, like at all
at same time even if i think they do care about me a bit and would >prefer< if i was ok i think its clear at this point while its a preference if it wont happen its whatever, i guess, theyre kinda like what id EXPECT people to be like, not the person who once helped me when i felt like no one would, as in, everyone has thier own stuff and who cares about other people's problems, which i understand but, i understand it if its someone else, not my true love
in any case i am really alone and well i do feel like i probably should CTB since well i really tried to live imo? (oh and there were lots lots other minor aspects but i dont wanna give my entire life story no one would probably read anyways, but i guess this is kinda like the final straw) at some point when i was with that person i told to myself, life has fucked me over many many times but finally i feel like i got lucky for once, this love is better than one could expect, not just "reasonable" its amazing, its how i felt, so i told myself ill give a chance, if they leave me well then fuck it i tried but the world is just a shithole i guess, i mean i know it is but knowing and feeling it firsthand are diff things, around the draft period i felt pretty terrible too, it was like i was existing but i felt like CTB was inevitable just matter of how long ill drag along, but i guess im back to feeling that way except its worse since well, everyone i had i dont have anymore since i only had that one person special to me but now theyre gone and also theyre doing great since unlike me theyre good at being social and advertising themselves and putting themselves out there etc, not being bothered by minor things and stuff, and ya im just alone i gues really sad and i still love them lots
oh and also i hate art btw, now that i grew up as a person i sooo wish i got into math or programming or something instead, not saying its better/easier w.e but once again same as with gender, it just fits who i am much more, the reasons i got into art back then were all wrong, i liked the competitiveness of like, trying to improve and be best or w.e that means but tldr art is terrible for that cause "best" is super subjective, whereas things like math or programming feel much more "objective", like you can measure if certain piece of code executes faster at runtime or something as an example, and tldr im one of those people who like to optimize things and do pointless meaningless things 'the efficient way" and spending too much time on that stuff, i guess its part of what makes me who i am but ya, didnt know where else to put this but i think the title should be enough of a deterrent for if anyone expects something well structured and organized
