Hello everyone, I've been lurking around this forum for almost half a year now and I had my ups in december and tried to lean on that, but things got worse everyday since then so here we go. I was and still am a medical student and jazz enthusiast, loved sport had and still have amazing friends, everything was kind of perfect but I've noticed in the second year of uni that I had problems with insomnia, linked to anxiety and high expectations from myself to fill a void deep inside me I cannot really describe. Things started to deteriorate for me in april 2018 when I decided to continue my medical studies after taking a year off of medicine (5th year currently) to learn more about jazz, had fun that year, went to usa to an intensive jazz music workshop, just the feeling of emptiness was there when I came back to uni, insomnia got worse, I wasnt really enjoying my life that year.I was burning out due to lack of sleep (early morning insomnia I think its the expression) and combining music with uni, which didnt really go as planned like I used to do that before because I was clinically depressed and I didnt notice the symptoms or was able to connect the dots, everything started to fall apart in the spring of 2019 also due to a bit abusing behavior towards benzos I had at my hand, due to sleep problems and doing coke here and there.. and I just decided to do the bare minimum I could without pushing myself too hard, had some exams left over for the summer, I was burned out as hell and a bit isolated because I didnt have the energy nor the time to socialise like I used to. In the end of july I had a car accident for which I hold myself accountable, a dear friend of mine died that day.. I isolated myself for 3 weeks I couldnt sleep and I couldnt eat I was literally on fire, I did reach out for professional help and was perscribed antidepressants, which werent the best idea for the given situation but I trusted the psychiatrist, it felt like every inch of my skin was on fire I didnt feel the physical pain anymore, I burned myself with cigarette ( was smoking 2 packs a day at that time) and I didnt feel anything Its called psychomotoric dissociation, I couldnt live anymore in such emotional pain I also lost 5kg in a month and it ended with impulsive partial hanging attempt which was almost successful, but the rope got torn, probably during my body trashing around in unconsciousness, I had no survival instinct in that impulsive moment. I woke up on the floor still burning up more than ever, had problems with vision, right limb coordination and severe tinitus, went to ER totally agitated, told what happened (the third big mistake in a month), they performed CT scan and I was sent to psych ward with mild hypoxic brain damage.. perfect. I was hooked on high doses of lorazepam quetiapin and trintellix, I did sleep and eat and that was it for 4 weeks until I got dystonia due to too high doses of antipsychotics and decided it was time to leave the facility, my vision was still impaired, my right limb coordination was poor especially in fine motoric movement (it hit me hard, because I was in love with guitar since I was 6 years old, and I couldnt play anymore), had no concentration in that state or cognitive performance. During my stay in the ward a dear friend of mine, who was more than a friend turned her back on me in a very ugly and insensitive manner now that I look back on that, blaming me for hurting her and so on... and it did crush me, given it all, I did feel so much shame after attempt, full of guilt and after that I blamed myself for everything and my life got ruined.. also due to brain damage, I let myself down, things went so fucking far. Since then im hooked on benzos I quit antidepressants, all they gave me was a bad brain fog and jitter, I isolated myself, moved back to my parents. its been 6 months now and i've lost almost 20kg, the pain from anxiety is exhausting, I cannot do sports I do force myself to go for a run now and then and try some fitness I have at home, I cannot eat, I cannot listen to music or watch tv, everything that reminds me on my "previous" life is killing me even more.. maybe its vanity? I dont know honestly.., I have problems with addiction, mornings are killing me and I dont have a fight in me anymore to keep on going, I think I did my best in the last 6 months with many mistakes aswell but it is what it is now.. and Im bedridden currently just wishing to never wake up and feeling very at peace thinking to end it all, nonetheless I had relatively beautiful 25 years I am grateful for.. I did armed myself with professional help but nothing worked so far im just sinking feeling more and more exhausted and I am losing the fight, tinitus and double vision are killing me aswell.., my last stand would be to try and study for an exam I have left on 20th april, maybe it would give me the boost and self esteem to keep on going, cant say for sure.. but it just reminds me too much on my previous life and I am high all the time (0.5mg clonazepam per day, and 3mg when I cannot exist anymore) without any concentration and with pollen allergy I can feel the spring depression coming for me and this hellish cycle has to end. I cant imagine going like this for another month, but yet I did survive 6 months. Maybe this is more of a vent then a story, but feel free to ask me anything, I tried to keep it short and simple.. P.S. Is N from A still 300$ per bottle?
Thanks for reading
Thanks for reading
