kuroshimi
If you're not remembered, then you never existed.
- Dec 1, 2025
- 8
Hi there! This is self-introductory post, I guess.
So, I always was pessimistic. It's all started in childhood, when I was at school. I always felt detached from all people. And most of people with whom I could truly share my experiences and interests always have been right here, in the internet.
But in real life mostly I was alone, I even step back from my parents. Although, I always had good relationship with them, there are very understanding, but they always pushed me to decide on my career as early as possible (maybe cause my sister made up her mind almost immediately, she working now in biology, studied medicine at uni). I have always been interested in computer technology, but I think it just because I spend a lot of time on my PC and phone, practically without leaving the house, so much that i had pale skin. To cope with stress, I was engaged in self-harm activities (mostly oxygen derpivation).
In school I was dealing with some kind of bullying from classmates and school staff as well. My reaction to this was too harsh and impulsive, they though I was crazy. So no one took me into account and in real life I was always alone. Besides, my parents were overly protective, so I almost can't live independently and have no idea what will happen when my parents gone. Maybe I have some kind of disability, I don't know.
I was not actively suicidal, but always have some kind of death wish. I felt I was in wrong place. But I don't actually had intentions to die. The suicidal ideation reached it's peak when I entered university and still didn't know what I want to do in life. Currently studying computer science engineering, but still don't know if I actually want to work in this field. And I very afraid of future, because world going crazy right now and so am I.
Since then, I had several suicide attempts, but they was spontaneous and poorly prepared. Before my first attempt I thought it's a personality trait. But last year I got diagnosed with MADD and took some meds. And at some point I felt better. But now I've fallen into a kind of despair because of the pile of worries that have come my way and of course of madness that is happening in world right now. I've started spending less time with myself and my hobbies (btw, I have recently become interested in the audio/sound topic). And I have some anxiety about future.
Now feeling like I'm lost. I regret that my growing up is happening this way. Next year I will turn 20, but I don't want actually see what happens next. I began to thoroughly prepare myself for ctb. I don't know if I actually want it, I have the feeling that I still haven't reached my full potential in some kind. Also, don't want my pain to be passed on my friends and family, but i think if that happens, I will be too dead to care, I think.
So, I hope here I can find some relief, maybe talk to more people about my feelings and just good have time, I don't know. Anyway, I hope I can find something.
So, I always was pessimistic. It's all started in childhood, when I was at school. I always felt detached from all people. And most of people with whom I could truly share my experiences and interests always have been right here, in the internet.
But in real life mostly I was alone, I even step back from my parents. Although, I always had good relationship with them, there are very understanding, but they always pushed me to decide on my career as early as possible (maybe cause my sister made up her mind almost immediately, she working now in biology, studied medicine at uni). I have always been interested in computer technology, but I think it just because I spend a lot of time on my PC and phone, practically without leaving the house, so much that i had pale skin. To cope with stress, I was engaged in self-harm activities (mostly oxygen derpivation).
In school I was dealing with some kind of bullying from classmates and school staff as well. My reaction to this was too harsh and impulsive, they though I was crazy. So no one took me into account and in real life I was always alone. Besides, my parents were overly protective, so I almost can't live independently and have no idea what will happen when my parents gone. Maybe I have some kind of disability, I don't know.
I was not actively suicidal, but always have some kind of death wish. I felt I was in wrong place. But I don't actually had intentions to die. The suicidal ideation reached it's peak when I entered university and still didn't know what I want to do in life. Currently studying computer science engineering, but still don't know if I actually want to work in this field. And I very afraid of future, because world going crazy right now and so am I.
Since then, I had several suicide attempts, but they was spontaneous and poorly prepared. Before my first attempt I thought it's a personality trait. But last year I got diagnosed with MADD and took some meds. And at some point I felt better. But now I've fallen into a kind of despair because of the pile of worries that have come my way and of course of madness that is happening in world right now. I've started spending less time with myself and my hobbies (btw, I have recently become interested in the audio/sound topic). And I have some anxiety about future.
Now feeling like I'm lost. I regret that my growing up is happening this way. Next year I will turn 20, but I don't want actually see what happens next. I began to thoroughly prepare myself for ctb. I don't know if I actually want it, I have the feeling that I still haven't reached my full potential in some kind. Also, don't want my pain to be passed on my friends and family, but i think if that happens, I will be too dead to care, I think.
So, I hope here I can find some relief, maybe talk to more people about my feelings and just good have time, I don't know. Anyway, I hope I can find something.
