Story Hello darkness, my old friend

[Vicepuma]

I just noticed my last post here was in august of 2018. That feels like such a long time ago. I'm glad this place is still around.

In the time since then, I've somehow managed to suppress the issues that were bothering me. Until now. It seems that, no matter what I do, I always end up in the same place of despair.

It's a place I've been many times before. Only this time it's taken me longer to return. In a moment of weakness, I let the anxiety return. And with it, the demons that I managed to avoid for so long.

I do not long for death, but the freedom it brings is ever so tempting. I have a decent life. A good job. Plenty of money. A handful of good friends. But that does not matter if the mind is broken. No matter how hard I try, my mind always manages to find something new to obsess over.

I've lost count on how many times I've succumbed to this darkness. I'm tired of the vicious circle that is my life. I'm only 27 but I feel like I've had enough. I don't want to grow old and see my body and mind deteriorate even further.

I know that I would miss the few good friends I have, but my wish for a better life is so many times stronger. A life in which I am no longer a prisoner to my mind and body. Going to bed and waking up as a different person with no recollection of my previous life is one of my biggest dreams.

 

[Whitewash11235814]

Relatable

 

[any%]

I understand you so much more than I would like to. I am also again at this particular point of these cycles and maybe this time I will succumb to it. I am also 27 years, although no job yet (still on my masters at university) and no real friends or social surrounding, my last and only girlfriend left me when I was 19. Although I really don't feel like it would make a difference to me if these societal & social things were different. I feel like your experience just confirms that.

It is a nice dream you have, at least for a guy like me. When I was 13 I injected like 3ml of air into my arm veine cause I heard that if you have a tiny air bubble in your blood system you are dead. Needless to say it wasn't so, and it wasn't a dream, but this feeling coupled with this childish conviction that I would not be there the next morning was one of the best feelings I felt and I slept like a baby that night.

 

[Vicepuma]

I understand you so much more than I would like to. I am also again at this particular point of these cycles and maybe this time I will succumb to it. I am also 27 years, although no job yet (still on my masters at university) and no real friends or social surrounding, my last and only girlfriend left me when I was 19. Although I really don't feel like it would make a difference to me if these societal & social things were different. I feel like your experience just confirms that.

It is a nice dream you have, at least for a guy like me. When I was 13 I injected like 3ml of air into my arm veine cause I heard that if you have a tiny air bubble in your blood system you are dead. Needless to say it wasn't so, and it wasn't a dream, but this feeling coupled with this childish conviction that I would not be there the next morning was one of the best feelings I felt and I slept like a baby that night.

That feeling you describe is the same feeling I get when I think of death. Like waking up from a really long nightmare.

I won't lie, there have been moments like that in the past few years. Where I felt really good. But those are very scarce and usually don't last long.