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Ghost2211

Archangel
Jan 20, 2020
6,017
I've been reading the forum for about a week now. I found you guys when doing a google search on good suicide methods. It was incredible how logical and straightforward the information I found here was. You guys saved me from derping into a potentially torturous ending. It was also amazing to see just how kind and supportive and caring you all are. It makes it all the more sad we have been brought to this place in life. I'm so grateful of the experiences you have all shared, and the research that has been gathered togethe.

I got to this place in life because two years ago my fiancé and best friend of 11 years and I had a dispure about if a German shepherd that we had at the time that bit my hand quite badly should be kept, or given to his family. In the end the dog was sent away, and he resented me for it. As an intuitive and emotional person I had trouble coping with his negative feelings toward me, and lost any interest in sexuality. I was also postpartum from having our third child which only complicated things. After two years of these issues I guess it all became too much for him, and he cut off the relationship.


I am visually impaired, and I have a neurological condition which has been labeled as complex migraine or us. The neurological episodes cause temporary global aphasia, disorientation, spacing out briefly, as well as acute memory issues. Because of these two factors I'm not able to keep a job with the ending of the relationship he took away the future of a six-figure income as well as potentially my children. I have been a homemaker for seven years and I'm in my late 30s, so my potential in the workforce and the world for that matter is limited. I am still here because of my three children but once they reach adulthood I am making the decision to not be a burden on my adult children or the world.

i've made every effort to fix the relationship, and apologized and offered to change any behaviors that were bothering him. I guess some people just don't want to give a second chance even when the motivations for transgression were pain and hormonal crash.

I have been so alone on this topic because people in this world cannot handle when people want to make the choice of life and death. Reading what are you guys right has been a breath of fresh air, as it normalizes my feelings. I feel less alone, and a lot of what I have read here has made it clear to me even how important it is that I wait until my children reach adulthood before I CTB. The exception there is if I lose custody of the children due to finances. If they are no longer in my care and I spend empty days and nights alone I will not be able to continue this world.

please forgive any weird typos or wording I am voice texting.
 
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H

Hopeindeath!

Elementalist
Dec 7, 2019
800
Welcome, thank you for sharing your story. You are so kind and caring to be willing to wait until your children reach adulthood. I think you are doing the right thing. I am sorry that your fiance left you, and for the suffering it caused you. Having a dog that bites is dangerous both to you and your children. Protecting them is what a mother is supposed to do. I hope things get better for you.
 
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S

S1mpleme

Mage
Dec 27, 2019
517
I wouldn't wish to the worst enemy of mine to spend empty days and nights alone. This is how I live and it's painful.
 
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Defenestrator

Defenestrator

Experienced
Jan 17, 2020
257
Welcome to the forum, I am so sorry for what you've been through and particularly with the worry of losing your children, and I hope you can find what you need here. You aren't alone. :heart:
 
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LegaliseIt!

LegaliseIt!

Elementalist
Nov 29, 2019
808
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your story. Things are very rough for you, and I am sorry that life has left you with so few options. I am proud of you for protecting your children and possibly waiting to ctb until they are grown.
Sending hugs
 
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D

Deleted member 1465

_
Jul 31, 2018
6,914
I'm sorry for your experience it, sounds awful.
People here will listen without judging you but I'd urge you to keep in mind that although the urge to die by suicide may be understandable, I'd be reluctant to regard it as 'normal' behaviour.
You are to be admired for staying for your kids but if you do leave your loss will always be a burden to them. I don't wish to sound harsh but it's the sad truth.
I hope you make the choice that's right for you and I'm sorry if I may have said anything you don't want to hear.
Meanwhile I hope you will continue to find the support you need here.
 
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J

jgm63

Visionary
Oct 28, 2019
2,467
I've been reading the forum for about a week now. I found you guys when doing a google search on good suicide methods. It was incredible how logical and straightforward the information I found here was. You guys saved me from derping into a potentially torturous ending. It was also amazing to see just how kind and supportive and caring you all are. It makes it all the more sad we have been brought to this place in life. I'm so grateful of the experiences you have all shared, and the research that has been gathered togethe.

I got to this place in life because two years ago my fiancé and best friend of 11 years and I had a dispure about if a German shepherd that we had at the time that bit my hand quite badly should be kept, or given to his family. In the end the dog was sent away, and he resented me for it. As an intuitive and emotional person I had trouble coping with his negative feelings toward me, and lost any interest in sexuality. I was also postpartum from having our third child which only complicated things. After two years of these issues I guess it all became too much for him, and he cut off the relationship.


I am visually impaired, and I have a neurological condition which has been labeled as complex migraine or us. The neurological episodes cause temporary global aphasia, disorientation, spacing out briefly, as well as acute memory issues. Because of these two factors I'm not able to keep a job with the ending of the relationship he took away the future of a six-figure income as well as potentially my children. I have been a homemaker for seven years and I'm in my late 30s, so my potential in the workforce and the world for that matter is limited. I am still here because of my three children but once they reach adulthood I am making the decision to not be a burden on my adult children or the world.

i've made every effort to fix the relationship, and apologized and offered to change any behaviors that were bothering him. I guess some people just don't want to give a second chance even when the motivations for transgression were pain and hormonal crash.

I have been so alone on this topic because people in this world cannot handle when people want to make the choice of life and death. Reading what are you guys right has been a breath of fresh air, as it normalizes my feelings. I feel less alone, and a lot of what I have read here has made it clear to me even how important it is that I wait until my children reach adulthood before I CTB. The exception there is if I lose custody of the children due to finances. If they are no longer in my care and I spend empty days and nights alone I will not be able to continue this world.

please forgive any weird typos or wording I am voice texting.
So very sorry for what you've been through.
I pray that you will heal and perhaps even thrive.

Whatever you wish, we shall try to support you.

:heart:
 
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TheDevilsAngel

TheDevilsAngel

LetMeFree
Apr 22, 2019
768
Welcome to the form... Sending you lots of virtual hugs :heart:
Forum! Sorry
 
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Quarky00

Quarky00

Enlightened
Dec 17, 2019
1,956
You are such a caring thoughtful person, and it comes out straight away :hug:

What happened with your fiance is terrible. It's a betrayal. To add insult to injury, instead of some help, you may lose custody.

I cannot comprehend what you're going through, but I know when things are coming at you from all directions -- disabilities, mental, betrayal, loss, family, loneliness, socioeconomic -- topped by people's disregard to your immense pain (response to ctb).

You wrote so well -- comprehensive yet simple, subtle, delicate manner.. about what happened, where you are at, and how this place helped. I hope you'll get support and strength :heart:
 
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G

Ghost2211

Archangel
Jan 20, 2020
6,017
I'm sorry for your experience it, sounds awful.
People here will listen without judging you but I'd urge you to keep in mind that although the urge to die by suicide may be understandable, I'd be reluctant to regard it as 'normal' behaviour.
You are to be admired for staying for your kids but if you do leave your loss will always be a burden to them. I don't wish to sound harsh but it's the sad truth.
I hope you make the choice that's right for you and I'm sorry if I may have said anything you don't want to hear.
Meanwhile I hope you will continue to find the support you need here.

when I say normalizes I mean in the sense that suicidal ideations are not inherently wrong. I know that suicide itself should be a last resort and that at any age it would be detrimental to the children even adulthood. It is honestly the children's shining faces, smiles, I love your, and even the intolerable BS they do on a daily basis that keeps me going. Two of the children are autistic and the third one is ADHD with oppositional defiant. They all love me more than anything on this planet, but the nature of their disabilities makes him treat me poorly. some days I wish I wouldn't wake up, and other days I just want things to get better. I think having a solid plan for a suicide gives me a way out when it all becomes too much.

it has only been a month since he left me, and he's already moved on and has a girlfriend. I am giving myself a wide window of time to wait before I CBT in part so I don't act impulsively.
You are such a caring thoughtful person, and it comes out straight away :hug:

What happened with your fiance is terrible. It's a betrayal. To add insult to injury, instead of some help, you may lose custody.

I cannot comprehend what your going through, but I know when things are coming at you from all directions -- disabilities, mental, betrayal, loss, family, loneliness, socioeconomic -- topped by people's disregard to your immense pain (response to ctb).

You wrote so well -- comprehensive yet simple, subtle, delicate manner.. about what happened, where you are at, and how this place helped. I hope you'll get support and strength :heart:

thank you very much for that response. It means so much to be made to feel valued. I suppose at times in life when it rains it pours. I am trying to take life one day at a time.
 
Last edited:
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D

Deleted member 1465

_
Jul 31, 2018
6,914
when I say normalizes I mean in the sense that suicidal ideations are not inherently wrong. I know that suicide itself should be a last resort and that at any age it would be detrimental to the children even adulthood. It is honestly the children's shining faces, smiles, I love your, and even the intolerable BS they do on a daily basis that keeps me going. Two of the children are autistic and the third one is ADHD with oppositional defiant. They all love me more than anything on this planet, but the nature of their disabilities makes him treat me poorly. some days I wish I wouldn't wake up, and other days I just want things to get better. I think having a solid plan for a suicide gives me a way out when it all becomes too much.

it has only been a month since he left me, and he's already moved on and has a girlfriend. I am giving myself a wide window of time to wait before I CBT in part so I don't act impulsively.
Well said. Sorry if I spoke out of turn. I really do hope things work out for you.
 
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Fiadh

Fiadh

Member
Dec 12, 2019
35
I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties you went through, you seem to be a very good and kind person. Nobody should be punished that much for something they couldn't stop.

I hope you have happier days ahead, and know that the people on this forum will always be here if you need anything.
 
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not-2-b-the-answer

not-2-b-the-answer

Archangel
Mar 23, 2018
9,299
Sorry you are going through this. :hug: :hug: :hug: I don't have any words of wisdom unfortunately. :aw:
 
G

Ghost2211

Archangel
Jan 20, 2020
6,017
I wouldn't wish to the worst enemy of mine to spend empty days and nights alone. This is how I live and it's painful.

I am sorry you're having to deal with feelings of isolation and loneliness. I agree it is something no one should have to endure. My grandmother's life partner passed away 20 years ago, and she has spent every day and night alone since. She does not seem to want other peoples company. It is like being alive, but dead at the same time.
 
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BPD Barbie

BPD Barbie

Visionary
Dec 1, 2019
2,361
Welcome to one of the most caring and compassionate parts of the Internet ❤️ glad you found us.
 
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Time

Time

Looking to leave.
Nov 10, 2019
264
Welcome, RoseyBird. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. :heart: :hug:
 
G

Ghost2211

Archangel
Jan 20, 2020
6,017
Thank you all for the warm welcome. Being around you guys has helped a lot.

I ordered the SN. I have no intention to use it. I mostly want it as a security blanket, and with everyone ctb with SN I'm worried that it will be harder to get later. Also it's curing salts it doesn't go bad.

Now, where to hide it.......
 
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Time

Time

Looking to leave.
Nov 10, 2019
264
Thank you all for the warm welcome. Being around you guys has helped a lot.

I ordered the SN. I have no intention to use it. I mostly want it as a security blanket, and with everyone ctb with SN I'm worried that it will be harder to get later. Also it's curing salts it doesn't go bad.

Now, where to hide it.......
Just make sure it's somewhere cool & dry. :heart: :hug:
 
Lostandfound7

Lostandfound7

Just waiting....
Jan 21, 2020
995
Hello Love,
So sorry to hear all that you're going thru..amazing how strong u r! One day ur children will realize how much of a Superhero Mom they have! Very admirable of u to delay anything until their older. It sounds so overwhelming but ur in the right place..Everyone is here to help u,with whatever u decide...Sending u love n more strength for the up n coming days. :heart: :heart: :heart:
 
G

Ghost2211

Archangel
Jan 20, 2020
6,017
Hello Love,
So sorry to hear all that you're going thru..amazing how strong u r! One day ur children will realize how much of a Superhero Mom they have! Very admirable of u to delay anything until their older. It sounds so overwhelming but ur in the right place..Everyone is here to help u,with whatever u decide...Sending u love n more strength for the up n coming days. :heart: :heart: :heart:

thank you so much. You guys are seriously better than all the therapists and antidepressants in the world.
 
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Zoltiel

Zoltiel

We're asleep in life's waiting room
Jan 7, 2020
162
Welcome to the forum! You are a very righteous woman for deciding to stick around until your kids are grown. It's crazy how your relationship of 11 years ended on something as trivial as a dog. Perhaps you will find a new partner between now and when your kids grow up.
 

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