Venting Heavy Dissociation

[amor.dor]

I have another self that comes out when I'm drunk, and I don't know why. When I want to kill myself, I become a 'he'—it's bizarre. Once, I tried to end it all with two boxes of lithium and clonazepam, but I woke up in a psychiatric hospital where I actually got better for a while. It was terrifying to black out from the pills certain I was going to die, only to wake up in a hospital with a roommate; but I made good friends there.

When I drink too much alcohol, I wake up to a clean house and business deals done. I woke up today with extra money and saw it was from a service I performed—something I learned how to do but had too low self-esteem to actually try. Who is he? I always write in my diary, but I notice that when I dissociate, I only see words in messy, shaky handwriting saying that I fulfilled something... I dissociate to save myself. It's so bizarre; I don't understand.
My arms hurt, I felt like I'd hit them, and they were scratched.

i'm so confuse...

 

[XdeadfaeX]

I would actually love to be able to disassociate. I remember everything. EVERYTHING. And a lot of it is what continues to break me today. It's like a straight haired girl wanting curly or short wanting to be tall. I would love to get lost for a while and forget I'm me. Last year I woke up sober 3 hours after chasing 25 Valium and a methadone with a 5th of vodka, pissed off and missing my phone. Wish I would've hit my head or something. Erase every crummy thing that has me walking down the median of a busy highway chewing pills anyways. At least the vodka was good