Heartbroken and used

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

How am I supposed to just get over this like it's nothing?

For a good bit, there was a glimmer of hope, I thought I was capable of being loved. That someone finally accepted me for who I was, and didn't care about my disabilities.

Well as usual, I have excessive amounts of faith in people. For well over a month, I'd spend damn near everyday with this guy, he'd message me nonstop, he'd beg to see me, he'd come tidy my room and tuck me into bed, he'd cook me dinner without me asking for it.

God, in those fleeting moments, memories that are now quickly fading and being lost to time, I actually smiled. I was so happy someone genuinely wanted to do those things for me, that he was overjoyed by my mere presence without demanding some act in return.

Keep in mind my best friend violated me right before this, so I am still really vunerable and emotionally sensitive. This guy kept reassuring me that I was beautiful, intelligent, and a joy to be around. He truly sold me hook line and sinker.

I let him remove his belt and lash me with it, because I was promised affection afterwards. God, what a bloody fool I am. I bit my lip and endured the pain of bruised legs, because for once, I thought it would be different this time.

We talked all night. We sat together in class, as he knows I don't fit in and other people won't talk to me. He wanted me to feel comfortable and safe. He showed up to walk me home on the one night I managed to go out. He stroked my hair and told me everything would be okay.

Promises, vacant and falsetto as they were, were made in abundance. I disclosed a lot of my trauma to him, after all we had been friends for over a year prior to this strange new arrangement, and were quite close.

He used that information to weave a web of expectations that I rapidly became entangled in. My friend comes from a big, loving family, where they all look out for each other. Plans were made to take me to see them and integrate me into the family unit, as well as visiting again for Christmas. I was also going to be introduced to his school friends.

I was so giddy. I truly had conviction in this dream. He assured me that he was going to teach me how to blend in more and help me make more friends, since he and my housemates are pretty much my only connections here at uni. I have no other friends currently, nor other friends from my past who stuck around.

This all changed when be got what he wanted and the ulterior motive was revealed. Use me up for sexual desire, then throw me away like rubbish. I knew he had commitment issues, but he assured me we would take things slowly and he'd sort his head out.

This never happened. He went home to talk to his family about the prospect of pursuing me, only to completely ignore me and then reject me 3 days later. All of the narrative falls apart. He doesn't want to commit to me due to the level of support I will require in the future, I suppose.

When I confine in him afterwards, that perhaps it is best not to get involved with me due to my suicidality (I imagine this was a reason too, but he won't say it) he immediately starts blaming me and saying I won't take actions in my life to have hope and stop being suicidal. I need to live for myself, he says, and make my own happiness. Complete piss take.

He told me I'm depressed (I'm not) and want to remain in stasis, basically. Apparently I'm not putting in enough effort to establish a consistent sleeping schedule, to manage my time, and go out and meet people.. So basically all the compassion he showed me about my CFS before was totally fake. Awesome!

Without me, he loses nothing. His world will keep on turning. His parents will keep sending him sweet greeting cards every week, his army of friends will continue to seek him out for hedonistic drunkard events, he will continue to excel academically with minimal impetus due to natural talents. It's water off a ducks back, to lose the weird, crippled autistic girl who was confessing endearment in a moment of weakness.

On the other hand, I lose it all. Everything feels empty. He has all but abandoned me, only chatting to me once a day if I'm lucky. He even had the gall to make a comment that at least the time we spent together was lovely before he broke my heart into a million pieces. My ex partner begged for me back and promised he won't hurt me anymore or abandon me, but how can I trust him? How can I trust anyone? The worst part of it is I'm expected to proceed as if everything is normal and fine.

Keep being a functioning little worker robot and have no emotional despair after you'd been heartbroken and thrown away. I want to die.

 

[LastLoveLetter]

I am so sorry, Kuri. You did not deserve to be used and abandoned this way. The sheer cruelty and carelessness of this man makes my blood boil.

The impression I have is that he exploited your vulnerabilities: Your relationship history with your best friend and ex partner, your traumas, your isolation and ostracism, your illnesses. He imparted sweet words, performed kind gestures and provided promises and reassurances of his sincerity, only to snatch it all away from you. He strung you along.

You are right: Even if he had been hurt, he has an extensive support network to fall back on. He is unable to fathom the impact of another lost connection and opportunity for someone who simply doesn't have family and friends to turn to at any time. He couldn't understand. He actions would be considered cold even in the best case scenario. Here, they are downright callous.

He has some nerve to deceive you and discard you, only to then twist the knife by blaming you too.

It's not your fault at all. Rather than flip-flopping between wanting to remain friends and then pursuing more, only to take it all back, he should have given your feelings the respect and care they deserve. Instead, he only thought about himself.

You deserve so much better than the avalanches of abuse, abandonment and betrayal that you have been forced to endure in your life. You are an incredibly kind, intelligent, caring woman with so much love to give. You truly deserve someone who can show you love and respect in return, and not take you for granted.

This ruthless world clearly doesn't give a shit about what people deserve and the suffering they contend with through no fault of their own. I am sorry you have had to experience so much heartbreak and loss in your life.

I wouldn't ever expect you to simply "get over" that, to trudge on like it was nothing. It angers me that anyone would demand this of you, but sadly it is unsurprising. Not many can comprehend the anguish of a life filled with loss, despair and trauma. To the majority, a heartbreak of this nature can be overcome, they will say that "it will get better" and "time heals." For those who have only ever known perpetual pain and heartache, it is excruciating - earth-shattering. There is no light awaiting us at the end of the tunnel, no glimmer of hope to sustain us. Most people do not even try to understand that.

I hear you, I care about you, and I'm here for you. I'm sorry you are going through this, and I'll support you no matter what happens

 

[MeltedJello]

I'm so sorry you had to experience this. Being abandoned when you think they accepted you for who you are, is a feeling I can relate it. I can never fully understand the pain you've suffered from this, but I really hope you can heal. I wish you peace & hopefully, better days.

 

[Darkmoon Queen]

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. I've gone through similar more times than I can count, I have no idea how this psychological headfuck bullshit is normalised in society.

We have our flaws but gaining a person's trust just to pull the rug some months in is fucked up, it's actually borderline psychotic. Like, you thought we were amazing and accepted our flaws but after a while, "oh yeah btw I hate all this stuff about you".

I'd cut this person out of your life all together and I'd also put him on blast for being coercive and physically abusive towards disabled people. That should be decent karma. We'll see how having a regular sleep schedule and whatnot works out for him then.

 

[Midgardsorm]

I've seen beautiful women being treated this way more times than I can remember.

And to think someone like you would be treated this way is infuriating.

Unfortunately, there are men who thinks that the number of skirts that they touch equals to their masculinity. The more, the better.
That until their minds grow up (If they do) and realize that it's the most important isn't to conquer one woman everyday, but to conquer the same woman everyday, that's what it counts. It is much better and more rewarding.

Love is important, sex is only a plus.

A man like that doesn't deserve love.

Targeting you in your most vulnerable state only shows his how he is insecure and weak. A coward with no respect or empathy. He doesn't deserve your friendship anymore.

It's men like that that makes me be disgusted of being a man myself.

You called yourself "a defective product"
I present to you the real defective product. Him. There is no fix for him.

You deserve to be loved, taken care of. You shouldn't wonder if you deserve someone's love. You should wonder if someone deserves your love.
Whoever do, will be the luckiest man alive.

Im really sorry that happened to you.
I wish you the best. I'm with you.

 

[motel rooms]

Keep in mind my best friend violated me right before this, so I am still really vunerable and emotionally sensitive. This guy kept reassuring me that I was beautiful, intelligent, and a joy to be around. He truly sold me hook line and sinker.

I let him remove his belt and lash me with it, because I was promised affection afterwards. God, what a bloody fool I am. I bit my lip and endured the pain of bruised legs, because for once, I thought it would be different this time.

Without me, he loses nothing. His world will keep on turning. His parents will keep sending him sweet greeting cards every week, his army of friends will continue to seek him out for hedonistic drunkard events, he will continue to excel academically with minimal impetus due to natural talents. It's water off a ducks back, to lose the weird, crippled autistic girl who was confessing endearment in a moment of weakness.

Lashing a disabled girl with a belt & bruising her skin for a cheap thrill, Jesus Christ... I'd like to skin that cowardly perverted cunt alive.

I am so sorry, Kuri. You did not deserve to be used and abandoned this way. The sheer cruelty and carelessness of this man makes my blood boil.

The impression I have is that he exploited your vulnerabilities: Your relationship history with your best friend and ex partner, your traumas, your isolation and ostracism, your illnesses. He imparted sweet words, performed kind gestures and provided promises and reassurances of his sincerity, only to snatch it all away from you. He strung you along.

Golden boy is a shameless, egotistical predator, is what he is. Pieces of shit like him can smell woundedness from a mile away & they will stop at nothing to get what they want.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you have been through this. Some people are just so cruel, you do not deserve to be treated like that. I wish you well.