SN feels more and more tempting all the time. I still have my noose. Maybe if I keep feeling like this I can use one or the other.
This all feels so painful and dumb at the same time. I hate everything about it. I need to ignore it, not have it be a pain that keeps biting at me with unfairness. I hate all unfair things in the world. Everyone suffers unfairness. It feels unbearable sometimes.
I wish I could close myself off again. I was honestly better when my life was hell. I survived everything much better when I had noone, nowhere to turn to, no agency and was just being tortured everyday. I don't know how, but I was much tougher as a person then, I didn't have to deal with emotions in this way. I just got through each day somehow. Why am I so weak now, it's infuriating, I am angry at my own privilege to be this weak compared to when my life was more of a hell.
Why keep giving and allowing them to keep taking from you? If I were you I'd quit giving so much. Some people are not worth the effort. Just my two cents worth.
I don't, I might take a break or give a second chance. Just once is enough to hurt really bad. Then even if I stay away from them, the pain of what happened and the unfairness continues to hurt and torment me when its over. I hate it so much. I don't stop caring too, I'm just literally forcing myself away from people sometimes. It hurts a lot.
I have to do that with my family. I care but I have to force myself away or they'll keep hurting me. I wish I had a normal family.
Reminder, this is a vent. I don't really want someone to say "hey why not do this?" - it's not that easy for me. I get hurt anyway. Everyone is different and gets hurt by different stuff anyway. For me it feels like a betrayal.
If I don't feel like I can safely vent, I'll delete the whole OP and just continue to suffer in silence. I might disappear for a bit, if I don't come back in a few weeks, I'm dead from hanging myself, since I will definitely be checking in on the site until then. I just need a few breaks. I'm just going to hold my noose and think about it for a while.