Heart Surgery Dilemma

[resolutory]

I'm 25 and have a heart condition whereby blood leaks out of one of my heart's valves, meaning not enough blood gets to my heart. I've had it since I was born, when I was operated on to patch it up or whatever, and I get it checked once a year at the hospital. They've been saying for a few years now that I'll need heart surgery to have the valve replaced in a few years, but they want to keep me on my natural one for as long as they can.

Thing is, I want to die and always have done my entire life. Honestly, I hate the fact that they operated on me at birth to 'save my life' and took away what was meant to be my natural death as a baby, the best kind of death (unconscious and unknowing). I know that sounds selfish, but I honestly hate the fact that death is now something I have to think about as well as the complete BS of life. Apparently, they say I was lucky because if I'd been born only a few years earlier they wouldn't have been able to do anything about it. To me, that's incredibly unlucky as I would've liked that to have been the case. As a result, morally, I can't accept such an operation in future and, moreover, I don't want to go through the experience of having it and spending a week in hospital (which is apparently how it goes).

The doctor tells me to exercise to keep my heart strong and whatever, but I don't do any exercise at all and never leave my house. Partially due to me being lazy, but also on purpose as a part of me wants my heart to weaken to increase the probability of my death when I do kill myself. I've got Taxus Baccata seeds, which specifically attack the heart and cause cardiac arrest, supposedly. However, for some reason, I seem rather cowardly when it comes to actually eating them. I'm not sure why.

So far, despite having this condition, I've not experienced any problems with it my entire life. However, the last few days my chest has started hurting and feels tight and uncomfortable. I can't tell if it's my stomach or my chest, maybe both. It's like it changes. I haven't told my dad because he'll freak out over any little thing because of this. But it doesn't feel good and my natural assumption is that it's due to the heart thing, a sign I might be due to have the surgery soon, which I intend to not have.

The thing is, is I don't know the endgame of not having the surgery. I'm not sure if it'd eventually cause a heart attack or.... what happens? Could it cause paralysis or some fate other than death? If it causes death then I wouldn't mind but I'm concerned about all the other problems it might cause instead.

So now I'm forced into this dilemma of, do I kill myself now or wait and risk my heart doing some sh*t that I don't even know what. It's really concerning. I don't know what to do and I know you can't tell me or whatever but I feel rather panicked.

I just want to fall asleep and die.

 

[Rounded Agony]

This sounds terrible. Studies have shown that uncertainty can have hugely deleterious effects on our psyche and I think this is a kind of underappreciated part of the reasons behind why so many of us are here. Committing to certainly dying a slow and maybe even agonizing death is one thing, but not knowing whether it'll be death or a host of new health issues, whether your family might convince you to go through treatment only when it would be more invasive, changing your mind due to unpredictable amounts of suffering...all very unsettling things.

Actively ending your life is no easy feat either - don't beat yourself up over it. Other data shows that even if we have a minuscule reason to continue living, it can have a seriously disproportionate-seeming effect on a desire to be dead. As in, if we 80% want to be gone but 20% don't for example, that will stop a lot of people from doing anything about it, surprisingly. Biology is a strong force.

I hope you find some peace and clarity soon

 

[jodes2]

I'm sorry you're stuck in this position

 

[MidnightDream]

From my limited knowledge of the cardiovascular system, if blood isn't getting to your heart properly, it's likely that eventually your body just won't be getting enough oxygen. I would presume, such as what happens if the valves are tightened or constricted, that this would eventually lead to heart attack and cardiac arrest. It's difficult to know without knowing your exact condition (and like I said, my knowledge is limited), but I wouldn't think you would need to worry about anything other than this. Paralysis seems unlikely.

 

[FuneralCry]

That does sound like a difficult situation to be in and your feelings of just wanting to never wake again are understandable. It must be really tiring having to deal with all that but I wish you the best.

 

[resolutory]

From my limited knowledge of the cardiovascular system, if blood isn't getting to your heart properly, it's likely that eventually your body just won't be getting enough oxygen. I would presume, such as what happens if the valves are tightened or constricted, that this would eventually lead to heart attack and cardiac arrest. It's difficult to know without knowing your exact condition (and like I said, my knowledge is limited), but I wouldn't think you would need to worry about anything other than this. Paralysis seems unlikely.

Thank you, I guess the idea of it causing paralysis is unlikely, I think I was worried that the oxygen shutting off would affect the brain or something. Hopefully I don't need to worry about anything too much, and hopefully I'd just get a cardiac arrest, which I've heard you're unconscious for.

 

[Cathy Ames]

Hi! This probably isn't what you want to hear, and I'm sorry about that... I am not a medical doctor, but based on cursory googling, it appears that other things are possible rather than going abruptly from "relatively fine" to "dead from a heart attack." Among other possibilities, you might have a stroke and survive it (impaired), or you might go into heart failure, which can be long and drawn out. The whole situation appears complicated. One thing says that a replacement might be the thing that CAUSES the various problems. I'd guess it depends on which particular valve it is and some other stuff.

 

[Maudlin]

I just want to fall asleep and die.

It sounds to me like you've got that "in the post" regardless, OP.

Might as well just wait and see. Hell, you don't really even have to fight with your survival instinct at all... you could just end... blameless. There are some on this forum who would love to be in your shoes.

I hope you find the peace you seek, and it sounds like you will.

Edit: *ok... scratch what I said earlier... it appears Cathy is right. It's quite a dilemma you're in, OP. I'm sorry you are going through this... I have nothing I can think of to help. I'm at a complete loss. I don't know what I'd do were I you, but I wish you the best, whatever you decide.