Venting Heard some bad news

[15dec]

I had a pretty deep conversation with my dad this morning. I had an argument with my mum and she stormed out and when I was venting to my dad about things she does, like making me feel guilty for feeling depressed and moving/losing my belongings and blaming me for it, he ended up telling me a lot of things about how she was when I was younger.

For some background, I've alwayd thought my dad was an aggressor, he did used to be physically violent. I thought my mum was a victim but her recent behaviour has definitely been making me feel small and insignificant so I thought there were some red flags, but I thought it was just her not being able to understand how I was feeling. It turns out a lot of things she does now are just how she's always been though.

My mum said she thought the reason my dad used to be violent was because he was on life support and thought it did something to his brain. I never really had an opinion on it because all I knew about his hospitalisation was that it was due to burns, which I thought was due to an accident. Turns out, his ex doused him in petrol and set him on fire. He also needed an operation to be able to move his neck again. I understand why my parents didn't tell me but the way my mum spoke about the event is horrible. My dad's violence was wrong of course but to use the fact someone attempted to kill him as a reason for him to be that way is just... I don't know, it's wrong.

Apparently my mum also used to storm out a lot when I was younger too. If she had arguments with my siblings she'd just leave, and they would also argue about their things going missing like mine do now. When that used to happen my dad ended up taking me to work with him to make sure I was being looked after since my siblings might not have been able to.

My dad also told me that the reason he works away from home all week was because it was the only way he coped with the stress going on at home. Once social services were involved because my mum suspected he was having an affair (he claims the woman was one of several colleagues who would call him to get advice on problems etc), and I imagine it was a huge problem if social services needed to be involved. He told me he used to end up in tears because of the kind of things happening. I can't imagine my dad crying, I've only seen him close twice. Once was because my mum told him he was going to lose our family and the other was this morning.

Turns out, my mum miscarried. She blamed my dad, and he was nearly in tears talking to me about it. And I can't get it out of my head that I nearly had a little sibling. It's probably better that they aren't here so they didn't suffer the same things I did in my family. I don't know.

I guess I forgive my dad for the things he has done in the past. He's had his share of problems -including being in the army. I think he did want what was best for me. He told me there were times when he was ready to take me to go and live in Ireland away from everyone because he knew things were going badly. I kind of wish he did.

I'm still going to ctb. He told me if I did he would as well and I feel horribly selfish for still wanting to despite that. I can't be hypocritical and be pro-life towards him knowing soon I'll be gone. I guess I just hope that if he does decide to ctb after me he'll do it properly. I don't want him to suffer anymore with a failed attempt.

 

[Lara Francis]

You have a lot on your plate and the intense pressure you must feel having been told your dad will follow you is unfair I feel.
I am sorry to hear you are made to feel guilty for your depression -it's not what you have chosen.

I don't know why parents are conservative with the truth as you are not 6 or 7 years old.!
It must have been a shock to hear these things.

I heard some horid stuff about some of my family and it sent my mind onto a roller coaster of emotions even questioning my own identity.
You sound like a kind and forgiving person and I really wish you peace and happiness
Hugs x

 

[15dec]

You have a lot on your plate and the intense pressure you must feel having been told your dad will follow you is unfair I feel.
I am sorry to hear you are made to feel guilty for your depression -it's not what you have chosen.

I don't know why parents are conservative with the truth as you are not 6 or 7 years old.!
It must have been a shock to hear these things.

I heard some horid stuff about some of my family and it sent my mind onto a roller coaster of emotions even questioning my own identity.
You sound like a kind and forgiving person and I really wish you peace and happiness
Hugs x

Thank you, sending hugs back. It is a lot to take in but I'm glad I know, I understand why my parents didn't tell me. I'm glad I heard things from my dad as well, it's definiely helping me to come to terms with things he's done and realise my mum isn't as innocent as she's portraying herself.

 

[TiredHorse]

I had a pretty deep conversation with my dad this morning...

Wow. Yeah, that counts as a deep conversation.

His ex tried to immolate him?! Holy shit. That would sure mess me up --on many, many levels.

I won't try and tell you to change your plans to ctb, but I would suggest that you unlock any schedule you might have to ctb, and be sure to give yourself time to assimilate this new perspective. That's some really heavy shit. It doesn't change what happened, but sometimes context can seep into the corners of your mind and change the way the past effects you now.

As for him telling you he would ctb if you did, that's pretty rough, but I can understand his perspective. Any parent worth a shit dreads the idea of losing their child. Most parents would do anything to keep their children alive, including offering up their own life. This may be his way of expressing that. He's expressing it poorly, of course --blackmail isn't ever kind-- but finding your own translation of the sentiment beneath may be worth considering. Especially in light of what you learned of him during that conversation.

Keep this thread running, if you would, on how your thoughts about that conversation evolve. You've been dumped into some deep and murky emotional waters, and it might effect you in some odd ways.

 

[15dec]

Wow. Yeah, that counts as a deep conversation.

His ex tried to immolate him?! Holy shit. That would sure mess me up --on many, many levels.

I won't try and tell you to change your plans to ctb, but I would suggest that you unlock any schedule you might have to ctb, and be sure to give yourself time to assimilate this new perspective. That's some really heavy shit. It doesn't change what happened, but sometimes context can seep into the corners of your mind and change the way the past effects you now.

As for him telling you he would ctb if you did, that's pretty rough, but I can understand his perspective. Any parent worth a shit dreads the idea of losing their child. Most parents would do anything to keep their children alive, including offering up their own life. This may be his way of expressing that. He's expressing it poorly, of course --blackmail isn't ever kind-- but finding your own translation of the sentiment beneath may be worth considering. Especially in light of what you learned of him during that conversation.

Keep this thread running, if you would, on how your thoughts about that conversation evolve. You've been dumped into some deep and murky emotional waters, and it might effect you in some odd ways.

Thanks for the reply! Yeah, it's a lot to take in. Currently trying to spend as much time with him and my family before I ctb since I still plan on doing so soon, though I've pushed the date back by a couple of days. Not gonna lie it kicked me into action a bit and made me stop procascinating on a suicide note and funeral plans, I need to make things as easy for my loved ones as possible especially considering how much shit my dad's already dealt with.