I've been dealing with increasing physical health symptoms for the past year or so to the point I no longer recgonize myself. Being trans and watching all of the me go out the window because i Miracuolously lost like 70 lbs without trying was beyond heart breaking. Even after I got a diagnosis and got treatment as I'm starting to put on weight I don't see myself anymore. I don't recognize myself. I feel like an invisible person at times. It got bad enough that I had to promise my therapist that I wouldn't off myself while working with her which I was ok with as we had a 4+ year working relationship going on. Prior to getting sick I had thoughts but they remained passive and I hadn't had an acute active phase in about 3-4 years. She got an amazing opportunity and left the country. Which in my brain said that it was ok to do the deed. I sought out SN and had it. But I had also agreed to do Intensive outpatient. Which helped at first but the longer I've been out of the program the less I feel like I care about my own life/demise. I was hit with the welfare checks alot of us got after the website went down in Canada. But given my profession I appear too put together and talked my way out of it. I don't know that I would seek help again as I was promised psychiatry in IOP but that was a lie and the referral they provided was inappropriate and actually made me feel worse about myself. I can't say that I'm actively plotting my death but damn it would be ok if I didn't wake up. I still have my therapist for now but it doesn't feel like it helps. My brain is convinced she isn't real due to her being out of the country even though I logically know this isn't true. I did meet someone that's been a blessing through IOP but for the most part I don't have a social life. I work in the mental health field but can't manage office politics for the life of me so I contract which limits access to new associates. I just feel lost. I feel like I"m living in almost a purgatory state of non-existence. I can still make myself enjoy some things but for the most part it almost feels like I'm faking existence...... I don't necessarily want to give in because I can't find SN after the website went down and in order to discharge from IOP I agreeed to hand it over. I guess fire arms are an option but that just seems messy. I can't ask for help because my insurance only covers one place for psych care and because I refuse to work with a douche bag they closed my referral. I'm currently about a month out from not being able to sleep at which point I thinK I will have to revisit my exit strategies. To top it all off the meds that I'm on for the various underlying medical shit cause increased suicidal ideation but I have to pretend to be normal to go through life................. The health system in america really fucking sucks. I shouldn't have to pay out of pocket for decent mental health on top of insurance to be able to afford all of the scans and chemo and bullshit that is my medical.
Fuck.
Fuck.
