![Hyes](/data/avatars/l/81/81691.jpg?1698574010)
Hyes
Member
- Oct 28, 2023
- 28
I can definitely say I'm getting better compared to the end of last year. I haven't had serious suicidal thoughts in a while. Where I'm daydreaming about doing it and the orgasmic rush I feel imagining it. I thought turning 21 would be a big change but all it means is I can get alcohol easier and drink way more.
The album I've been working on with a friend is genuinely coming along really well. That should be reason enough to keep going. My friend is the drummer and to each other; we are the only other person we've met that can truly keep up with each other musically. And he's nearly twice my age.
I'm still autistic as shit and bring myself down every chance I get. And I just avoid any social interaction I can. It's kind of weird. If I know what to say before hand, I can speak just fine (ie, talking to cashiers) but I am godawful at being put on the spot. My mind just goes blank and I can't find the words.
quitting my nicotine addiction is so hard. I had been using zyns with my vape but a little over a month ago I threw it away shortly after I bought a new one. In that time, I started to smoke cigarillos and now the problem is just worse. I gotta take 2 zyns at a time to replace what just 1 would feel like. But god the buzz when I'm drunk is worth it. It's no surprise why I feel like shit all the time.
I haven't met anyone new in years. I want to but also don't want to? I've never been in a serious relationship I've been alone so long that I just want to do everything alone. In school? I wanted to do all my work alone because it was faster and easier. I guess that hasn't changed. It's hard to work on myself when there is no one to do it for. There's so much about relationships that I don't know and I know it's gonna be a problem for any potential partner I find. (How long do I wait to get intimate? When can I start asking personal questions?) it's hard to form connections when it seems like every question I can ask I too personal and it'd be rude to.
I'm sorry this post isn't as focused as I wanted it to be. Tl;dr I feel like shit and everything I do still makes me feel like shit
The album I've been working on with a friend is genuinely coming along really well. That should be reason enough to keep going. My friend is the drummer and to each other; we are the only other person we've met that can truly keep up with each other musically. And he's nearly twice my age.
I'm still autistic as shit and bring myself down every chance I get. And I just avoid any social interaction I can. It's kind of weird. If I know what to say before hand, I can speak just fine (ie, talking to cashiers) but I am godawful at being put on the spot. My mind just goes blank and I can't find the words.
quitting my nicotine addiction is so hard. I had been using zyns with my vape but a little over a month ago I threw it away shortly after I bought a new one. In that time, I started to smoke cigarillos and now the problem is just worse. I gotta take 2 zyns at a time to replace what just 1 would feel like. But god the buzz when I'm drunk is worth it. It's no surprise why I feel like shit all the time.
I haven't met anyone new in years. I want to but also don't want to? I've never been in a serious relationship I've been alone so long that I just want to do everything alone. In school? I wanted to do all my work alone because it was faster and easier. I guess that hasn't changed. It's hard to work on myself when there is no one to do it for. There's so much about relationships that I don't know and I know it's gonna be a problem for any potential partner I find. (How long do I wait to get intimate? When can I start asking personal questions?) it's hard to form connections when it seems like every question I can ask I too personal and it'd be rude to.
I'm sorry this post isn't as focused as I wanted it to be. Tl;dr I feel like shit and everything I do still makes me feel like shit