Hey Folks,
I know this is a little ranty so I completely understand if you'd rather not read it. (Please excuse formatting, on mobile)
I might have just recently signed up but this community has been a part of my life for the past month or two. It's been comforting to see the level of caring and compassion between what would otherwise be complete strangers who just happen to share a common goal. The help that is given to those in need and the words of comfort that are given to those about to CTB/facing their last moments so that they aren't facing them alone. It makes me less scared to do what I am doing today.
I have been researching for a while but have actively been attempting the night night method for the past week or two. I have rented hotel rooms since I started attempting, I've spent all my funds to ensure that I wouldn't be interrupted in my attempts. I am now out of money/cards maxed out and I have my plan A (night night) set up and will attempt it again tonight for a few hours and hope I can CTB that way. I also have one last night after tonight so if plan A doesn't work tonight I'm onto plan B tomorrow.
Plan B is taking 2-3 bottles of 100 tablet Benadryl 25mg (diphenhydramine). This method worries me a bit after reading all the different stories and experiences but I need something sure to do the job. The resources I've read say that 2.8g's or higher would be lethal (or LD50 from LostAllHope saying 60x50mg tablets)so I'm opting to double that or triple it to make it a little faster and more overbearing to my system. I have pepcid which I know isn't the best anti-emetic so I'm considering going to the walk in tomorrow to try and get meto saying that Pepcid isn't helping.
I know if i get any reactions to this post that they will be mixed or negative about the diphenhydramine OD but at this point the pain it puts me in temporarily is worth it to experience the relief and peace of being able to leave this earth. I have no one to worry about me, no one to wonder where I am (hence why I'm doing it in a hotel so I can be found in a reasonable time and without animals getting to me) and no one to really care once I go.
I'm trying to be as smart as possible about this so I plan to barricade the doors when I start the attempt so I can't be interfered with at least in an easy manor plus I know there can also be hallicunations so I want to prevent myself from leaving the room. I'm also unplugging all the phones in the room so I can't change my mind and call for help. I'm hoping with such a large dose i will experience more of the sedative effect or even slip into a coma and die that way but I've accepted it may not be the case and am prepared to suffer (a neccessary evil with this kinda thing in my opinion).
I don't have access to any strong prescriptions, SN (restricted in my country and on a time crunch so can't order that and no brick and mortar stores have it), the money to buy N or the time to wait for it. I've been trying the night night method for the past week or two only to only slightly get dizzy and lose feeling in my arms, no passing out but maybe it'll happen for me tonight. I don't have a space to use the CO method and attempted partial hanging before trying the night night method but to no avail. I thought full suspension/jumping but have no spot for those. I am trapped with my choices and hoping that I can face the music and catch my bus on time.
I know things aren't going to get any better and I know the foundation that is my life can't be repaired. Why would anyone build on a foundation that is only bound to give away and at a time that can't be anticipated. I have one friend, no family that cares/that I'm in contact with, and have some strange health issues that after months of seeing specialists still can't be figured out. I've never truly felt the unconditional love from family since they only used me or the deep love you develop in relationships with people as I've never been able to connect with people. I feel as though I am just simply a burden on everyone at this point and that burden can only be lifted in one way. I'm tired of not knowing what's wrong with me both mentally and physically, the loneliness I feel on a daily basis and the remorse for past decisions. It just all adds up and is the reason I can rationally make this decision.
I have talked with my one friend and let him know what my end of life wishes are and what I would like to happen funeral wise and with my possesions but he doesn't know I'm doing this. I had a serious talk about death and how justified suicides aren't wrong but sticking around strickly for others is. I actually had him agree that if I had brain damage from anything in my life he would help me die if I can't do it myself as I would want to at least have some standard of living.
I'm sorry to just drop all this info on people but thank you for those who read through this, it means a lot that someone would be willing to spend their time reading about a waste of life like me. I am looking forward to getting on that bus, thanking the driver and being carried off to dwell in the house of the lord (or so I hope)
I know this is a little ranty so I completely understand if you'd rather not read it. (Please excuse formatting, on mobile)
I might have just recently signed up but this community has been a part of my life for the past month or two. It's been comforting to see the level of caring and compassion between what would otherwise be complete strangers who just happen to share a common goal. The help that is given to those in need and the words of comfort that are given to those about to CTB/facing their last moments so that they aren't facing them alone. It makes me less scared to do what I am doing today.
I have been researching for a while but have actively been attempting the night night method for the past week or two. I have rented hotel rooms since I started attempting, I've spent all my funds to ensure that I wouldn't be interrupted in my attempts. I am now out of money/cards maxed out and I have my plan A (night night) set up and will attempt it again tonight for a few hours and hope I can CTB that way. I also have one last night after tonight so if plan A doesn't work tonight I'm onto plan B tomorrow.
Plan B is taking 2-3 bottles of 100 tablet Benadryl 25mg (diphenhydramine). This method worries me a bit after reading all the different stories and experiences but I need something sure to do the job. The resources I've read say that 2.8g's or higher would be lethal (or LD50 from LostAllHope saying 60x50mg tablets)so I'm opting to double that or triple it to make it a little faster and more overbearing to my system. I have pepcid which I know isn't the best anti-emetic so I'm considering going to the walk in tomorrow to try and get meto saying that Pepcid isn't helping.
I know if i get any reactions to this post that they will be mixed or negative about the diphenhydramine OD but at this point the pain it puts me in temporarily is worth it to experience the relief and peace of being able to leave this earth. I have no one to worry about me, no one to wonder where I am (hence why I'm doing it in a hotel so I can be found in a reasonable time and without animals getting to me) and no one to really care once I go.
I'm trying to be as smart as possible about this so I plan to barricade the doors when I start the attempt so I can't be interfered with at least in an easy manor plus I know there can also be hallicunations so I want to prevent myself from leaving the room. I'm also unplugging all the phones in the room so I can't change my mind and call for help. I'm hoping with such a large dose i will experience more of the sedative effect or even slip into a coma and die that way but I've accepted it may not be the case and am prepared to suffer (a neccessary evil with this kinda thing in my opinion).
I don't have access to any strong prescriptions, SN (restricted in my country and on a time crunch so can't order that and no brick and mortar stores have it), the money to buy N or the time to wait for it. I've been trying the night night method for the past week or two only to only slightly get dizzy and lose feeling in my arms, no passing out but maybe it'll happen for me tonight. I don't have a space to use the CO method and attempted partial hanging before trying the night night method but to no avail. I thought full suspension/jumping but have no spot for those. I am trapped with my choices and hoping that I can face the music and catch my bus on time.
I know things aren't going to get any better and I know the foundation that is my life can't be repaired. Why would anyone build on a foundation that is only bound to give away and at a time that can't be anticipated. I have one friend, no family that cares/that I'm in contact with, and have some strange health issues that after months of seeing specialists still can't be figured out. I've never truly felt the unconditional love from family since they only used me or the deep love you develop in relationships with people as I've never been able to connect with people. I feel as though I am just simply a burden on everyone at this point and that burden can only be lifted in one way. I'm tired of not knowing what's wrong with me both mentally and physically, the loneliness I feel on a daily basis and the remorse for past decisions. It just all adds up and is the reason I can rationally make this decision.
I have talked with my one friend and let him know what my end of life wishes are and what I would like to happen funeral wise and with my possesions but he doesn't know I'm doing this. I had a serious talk about death and how justified suicides aren't wrong but sticking around strickly for others is. I actually had him agree that if I had brain damage from anything in my life he would help me die if I can't do it myself as I would want to at least have some standard of living.
I'm sorry to just drop all this info on people but thank you for those who read through this, it means a lot that someone would be willing to spend their time reading about a waste of life like me. I am looking forward to getting on that bus, thanking the driver and being carried off to dwell in the house of the lord (or so I hope)
