Venting he reached after two years of no contact

[heisenberg]

this morning i woke up to a text from my ex boyfriend. he said "I know it's been a long time, not sure if you have the same number or not but I hope you're doing well." we haven't talked in nearly two years.

after we broke up, we were no contact for about 8 months then he reached out. he said something similar, "hey i hope life has been treating you well." we didn't start dating again but talking casually, things fell out again after some time which led to this two years of no contact.

our relationship was toxic and after we broke up and i went to see a psychiatrist/therapist, is when i got diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. he groomed me and he was my first favorite person, he had an extreme impact on my mental health. during the last two years of no contact, i thought about him still of course. cried over him. considered multiple times reaching out. i specifically think about if he ever feels bad for what he put me through.

i haven't responded to him, there's so much i want to say to him. mostly just the question "why?" he probably knows i'm so pathetic id respond to him. i truly have a love-hate relationship with him. right before we went no contact for 8 months, i told him i could never hate him.

i wish i never met him.

 

[Linda]

I think your best option is to avoid all contact with him. That relationship is in the past. Leave it there.

 

[The Schizoid]

First of all, if your goal was to go no contact then you have FAILED.

Going no contact means you change your number, email etc to avoid that person having any way to contact you.

What he may be doing is a form of hoovering, which is a narcissistic person trying to reassert control over a victim, and they'll do this if they are not getting sufficient control from other people in their life.

If you really are serious about going no contact, you NEED to change your number, and make sure your ex doesn't have that number. Any person you give that number to, give them explicit instructions not to hand your number out to anyone without your consent and if they do, then disown them.

 

[Zaphkiel]

Blocking and deleting number is enough, yo have no notification nothing, it's ok.
I dislike changing numbers. Also, there is no failure with such a situation, like could s/he preddict that 2years after s/he 'd have a random SMS from the guy?
Agree with @Linda here, who would be the voice of wisdom. harder to do than saying but eh.
If all your troubles emanate from him, just dump everythin related to him somehwere. You're better than that, him, and there is a lot whole other things and people to appreciate.

 

[SexyIncél]

Mmm, probability is that he needs to re-up his girl supply. Obviously he's not doing it for your benefit. Which leaves his benefit

He's just fishing

 

[The Schizoid]

Blocking and deleting number is enough, yo have no notification nothing, it's ok.
I dislike changing numbers. Also, there is no failure with such a situation, like could s/he preddict that 2years after s/he 'd have a random SMS from the guy?
Agree with @Linda here, who would be the voice of wisdom. harder to do than saying but eh.
If all your troubles emanate from him, just dump everythin related to him somehwere. You're better than that, him, and there is a lot whole other things and people to appreciate.

NO!

Blocking/deleting numbers is not enough. If your abusers STILL knows your number, then that's NOT no contact.

Intent to ignore and not speak to someone is not enough, you need to make it as least likely that they can contact you as possible.

You say deleting a number and ignoring is enough yet it's clearly not enough because now he's contacting her again and it's effecting her so much that she's posting here!

Its only enough if it works, and what she has done has not worked. Ignoring him has not stopped him contacting her.

@heisenberg you NEED to change your contact information. If you are serious about no contact then what @Zaphkiel is saying is wrong. It's not about doing what you THINK should be enough, it's what actually WORKS.

Going no contact is not just about having the intent not to contact, such as ignoring a person. but making it as close to impossible as you can for this person to contact you. He is still able to send you messages and that's effecting you. So therefore your no contact strategy HAS NOT WORKED.

CHANGE your number, only hand it out to those who you trust. Tell everyone that they CANNOT hand out your number to ANYONE without your consent.

If your abuser who you've gone "no contact" with knows your number, then it's not no contact.

Intent is not enough.

 

[Little_Suzy]

A traumatic relationship is not love, but rather a painful emotional roller coaster. You already know the answers to your questions.

Whenever you confront him with an ugly truth about himself or demand accountability in the relationship, he responds with abuse. He comes and goes because people in happy relationships do not think about their exes.

Trauma bonding is extremely toxic because he will become hostile and begin to abuse you when he meets his next favorite person.

He doesn't hate you, either. You are simply not the person he will choose to love and treat with respect. He is saving that for someone else!

I understand it's difficult, but you should change your phone number and any other ways he can contact you. Prioritizing emotional regulation in your BPD treatment will help you develop healthy, happy, and long-lasting relationships.



.

 

[Slow_Farewell]

i've had my number/s since highschool, so i dislike changing numbers.
That said, IF you haven't responded to him, it's a win for you in my book.
There will always be something that would trigger your memory about a favorite person who had an extreme effect on you.
In my case it's the plates of vehicles that I see on the road. Whenever I see one, my mind automatically remembers "her" plate number.
i've blocked on social, set her number to no notification and move to archive immediately once a message is received.
At the start, yeah i keep looking into the archive folder and hoping she'd text, but after a while, it passes. havent checked her profile for about 2 years now, and the desire to check messages isnt that heavy anymore, but i still think about her from time to time.

 

[R_N]

It is just a feeling and leaves you open to be hurt again if you act on it. I understand nostalgia but try to look at your past objectively, there is a pattern there. For example, some things are just not meant to be. And don't worry, time does help even if it takes many years.

One day you will look back and won't feel anything. It might come much later on but it is definitely possible. Changing your perspective on life can speed up the process.

 

[heisenberg]

update, i haven't responded to him. he texted me at 11PM last night and i noticed when i woke up in the middle of the night a little before 4AM. i used to struggle with checking his social media a lot and last time i did, some months ago, he was in a relationship with someone who had a kid and seemed happy. out of curiosity i checked this morning when i saw he texted me, they broke up.
also, i've changed my number in the past, completely deleted and got new social media accounts. and HE still found me. no, i don't know which "friend" did it. i am aware talking to him is not good for my mental health. there's so much i want to say to him and nothing at all.

 

[R_N]

update, i haven't responded to him. he texted me at 11PM last night and i noticed when i woke up in the middle of the night a little before 4AM. i used to struggle with checking his social media a lot and last time i did, some months ago, he was in a relationship with someone who had a kid and seemed happy. out of curiosity i checked this morning when i saw he texted me, they broke up.
also, i've changed my number in the past, completely deleted and got new social media accounts. and HE still found me. no, i don't know which "friend" did it. i am aware talking to him is not good for my mental health. there's so much i want to say to him and nothing at all.

You did well, him finding your new number is borderline stalkerish if not rude tho.

 

[Zaphkiel]

Numbers come and go, and as you experienced, they can always be given by some people even when you don't want to (and said people doesnt even think badly when they do so!).
You have enough tools at your disposal without needing to change numbers (it goes completly silent, no notification, nothing) imo, although i would not go as far as telling you that you "NEED" or have "FAILED" (in capitals) to do this or that..unlike some other people. Seriously dude, get a grip, k?
You do you and what you think is best. You dont want to see anything from him, and you're sure about that? Everything is already ready for this function on your phone.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Have you told him outright that you want to go no contact? Maybe this is terrible advice because it would mean contacting him again but, I would send one very formal text saying that you don't wish to hear from him again. To please respect your wishes and not try to contact you again- ever. Then say that if he does respond, you will simply ignore him and block him. That way, he's under no illusions that you might want to reconnect. I don't know how you left it with him though. And I'm sure more knowledgable people will say that's a bad idea!