Having to postpone death is devastating and unfair

[w4ntingtoletgo]

I was going to CTB during this time period. I thought I was going to figure out how to do it, that everything was going to go smoothly. I was really ready, I couldn't have been more ready for it. Something ended up happening at the end of July that changed everything, and I had to go over my plans again. I thought I could endure a few more months, maybe even a few more years. For a moment I thought that, perhaps, I could stand a chance and stay alive. But I can't. The point of no return has been long surpassed and it seems like sometimes I have a hard time getting it through my stupid head.

I'm essentially screwed in this situation. I don't know what to do with this life, what to do with myself, what I am. I'm supposed to make important choices for my "future" right now, for a future I won't have and won't live, and demonstrate something to everyone, but I can't comply with those demands, I don't have the strength to do so. The only thing I know, the only thing I'm capable of is suffering. It sucks that even in death life has to get in the way and make everything harder than it should be. You can't even die in peace and are forced to stay in some ways.

Now I have no idea what to do, whether I should hurry up, arrange a method and die, or should simply wait for the right moment, which could be in three months or ten years, or maybe never really. I don't know if it's even worth it to take the time to organize my passing in details and with no rush. I just know that I'm absolutely terrified and I'm panicking. This is the worst time to be alive for me, I can't handle it and I just wasn't supposed to be here. I'm trying to soothe myself with the thought that I'll die eventually, it will inevitably happen one day, hopefully soon.

 

[FuneralCry]

I certainly understand that it's so dreadful suffering in this existence, to me existence really is too cruel. But anyway I wish you the best, I hope that you find peace eventually.

 

[TiredofLife-Thanks]

I´m in the same situation. In my case, I had the method and day planned out. But a family member committed suicide and I lost my courage. But I´m just avoinding the inevitable. Afraid of the pain of dying, I have caused myself more suffering than death itself. I have decided to commit suicide next month.
I wish you the best. I hope you find what you´re looking for whether it´s life or death.

 

[w4ntingtoletgo]

I´m in the same situation. In my case, I had the method and day planned out. But a family member committed suicide and I lost my courage. But I´m just avoinding the inevitable. Afraid of the pain of dying, I have caused myself more suffering than death itself. I have decided to commit suicide next month.
I wish you the best. I hope you find what you´re looking for whether it´s life or death.

Life can interfere in such cruel ways...
I feel the same about having caused myself more pain than death and avoiding the inevitable.
I wish you the best as well, and hope you can find peace in whichever way you'll choose and consider right for you.