KuriGohan&Kamehameha
想死不能 - 想活不能
- Nov 23, 2020
- 1,682
Am I alone in this predicament? While my current situation is less than ideal, I know that with time, things are only going to get worse and worse to the point where the present moment will seem like a cakewalk in comparison.
The future terrifies me, because I know that nothing but further suffering awaits me due to my conditions. Because of covid, I was able to do university online this year and at my own pace. That was manageable even if it was still incredibly taxing. However, next year I will be expected to have full in person attendance and participate in laboratory practicals that could last half a day while walking a mile to and from the campus.
I am simply too disabled for such a level of physical exertion. Not just from CFS, but the chronic pain I suffer from everyday. When I get to the point of severe, excruciating pain, I am unable to keep pushing on. I cannot force myself to do physical tasks in that state, yet everyone thinks I am capable of it because they cannot physically see my body attacking itself. Pain medications don't help and make my CFS and IBS worse, so it's a double edged sword.
With every passing moment, I live in fear of what's to come. The harsh reality is that even if I manage to finish my degree, I am unable to work, and I am ineligible for benefits. I have tried applying for part time remote jobs and no one will hire me, no profit chasing employer would want to have a disabled employee, after all.
Because of my nationality, I would be forced to work full time in order to renew my visa. I simply cannot do that. I am both physically and mentally incapable, as my CFS leads to me making many mistakes and clerical errors that would be a liability in any workplace. This traps me into being reliant on others, whilst everyone around me is concerned with themselves and nothing else.
My boyfriend of 2 years is my begrudging caretaker. You can tell he sees me as a burden and his love for me has waned with time when I started getting more ill and stopped being fun and perky. He tells me that nothing is guarenteed and no matter how dire my situation is, he will not promise to support me in the future and that it is horrible for me to suggest that I have no choice but to marry/enter a committed partnership with him. I have no one else except online friends.
Yet, that is the truth, as unfair and calculating as it may be, that I am dependent on him. Of course I feel shame because of this, who wouldn't? At the same time, I feel like a toy that will inevitably be thrown out of the pram when my novelty has been expended. My boyfriend says that freedom and happiness is more important than someone being cared for /supported when they have no one else, and deep down, I know he is right and that he would be better off if I dropped dead instantly.
In spite of this, he thinks I'm ludicrous for being suicidal and somehow I choose to be this way. He cannot comprehend how it feels to live with multiple disabilities, and so he thinks I am mentally ill for seeking my own self deliverance. Doesn't help that society bombards us with inspiration porn of people who somehow have a lust for life in spite of severe illness/disability, when this doesn't encompass even a fraction of the suffering we go through.
I cry myself to sleep many nights out of guilt. Guilt because my body is broken, making me a burden on others, guilt because I love my boyfriend so much and yet he spits venemous words my way (a consequence of my inability to hide my pain) and the worst guilt of all because I am attached to my best online friend and I fear that I am unfaithful for having those sort of feelings (We couldn't be together due to distance and his life circumstances)
My future is grim. It is an abyss, black as bile, that brings with it every flavor of torture and fear imaginable. When people tell me that it always gets better and to keep your head up so you can work towards a better future, I want to tell them how misguided and wrong they are. I want to shake them and point out the hell my life is inching towards, the unpalletable truth that things will not get better for me.
It's all downhill from here.
The future terrifies me, because I know that nothing but further suffering awaits me due to my conditions. Because of covid, I was able to do university online this year and at my own pace. That was manageable even if it was still incredibly taxing. However, next year I will be expected to have full in person attendance and participate in laboratory practicals that could last half a day while walking a mile to and from the campus.
I am simply too disabled for such a level of physical exertion. Not just from CFS, but the chronic pain I suffer from everyday. When I get to the point of severe, excruciating pain, I am unable to keep pushing on. I cannot force myself to do physical tasks in that state, yet everyone thinks I am capable of it because they cannot physically see my body attacking itself. Pain medications don't help and make my CFS and IBS worse, so it's a double edged sword.
With every passing moment, I live in fear of what's to come. The harsh reality is that even if I manage to finish my degree, I am unable to work, and I am ineligible for benefits. I have tried applying for part time remote jobs and no one will hire me, no profit chasing employer would want to have a disabled employee, after all.
Because of my nationality, I would be forced to work full time in order to renew my visa. I simply cannot do that. I am both physically and mentally incapable, as my CFS leads to me making many mistakes and clerical errors that would be a liability in any workplace. This traps me into being reliant on others, whilst everyone around me is concerned with themselves and nothing else.
My boyfriend of 2 years is my begrudging caretaker. You can tell he sees me as a burden and his love for me has waned with time when I started getting more ill and stopped being fun and perky. He tells me that nothing is guarenteed and no matter how dire my situation is, he will not promise to support me in the future and that it is horrible for me to suggest that I have no choice but to marry/enter a committed partnership with him. I have no one else except online friends.
Yet, that is the truth, as unfair and calculating as it may be, that I am dependent on him. Of course I feel shame because of this, who wouldn't? At the same time, I feel like a toy that will inevitably be thrown out of the pram when my novelty has been expended. My boyfriend says that freedom and happiness is more important than someone being cared for /supported when they have no one else, and deep down, I know he is right and that he would be better off if I dropped dead instantly.
In spite of this, he thinks I'm ludicrous for being suicidal and somehow I choose to be this way. He cannot comprehend how it feels to live with multiple disabilities, and so he thinks I am mentally ill for seeking my own self deliverance. Doesn't help that society bombards us with inspiration porn of people who somehow have a lust for life in spite of severe illness/disability, when this doesn't encompass even a fraction of the suffering we go through.
I cry myself to sleep many nights out of guilt. Guilt because my body is broken, making me a burden on others, guilt because I love my boyfriend so much and yet he spits venemous words my way (a consequence of my inability to hide my pain) and the worst guilt of all because I am attached to my best online friend and I fear that I am unfaithful for having those sort of feelings (We couldn't be together due to distance and his life circumstances)
My future is grim. It is an abyss, black as bile, that brings with it every flavor of torture and fear imaginable. When people tell me that it always gets better and to keep your head up so you can work towards a better future, I want to tell them how misguided and wrong they are. I want to shake them and point out the hell my life is inching towards, the unpalletable truth that things will not get better for me.
It's all downhill from here.
