Heartaches
Apologizing for my life and ever entering yours
- May 6, 2021
- 261
TW. Mentions of grooming and self-harm
My birthday was sometime ago. It's been a crazy two years and I haven't been able to gain any further clarity for my future. I would say I've become more fearful of life.
Looking back at my childhood, I still can't understand where my life went wrong. People always told me I was destined for a good life. I was a smart, well-behaved and curious kid, excited at what the world had for him.
I'm in my early 20's and everyday is an inner struggle for survival. I don't wanna live, I don't wanna suffer. It pains me to see myself in the mirror and realize the great failure I became, the great disappointment it was for everyone who ever believed in me. Not even my father has faith in me anymore.
I don't feel like an adult, I still feel like a teen. I look back at my actual teenage years and wonder if I'm compensating for the lack of experiences and growth. I was an undiagnosed, mentally ill, emotionally neglected, academically pressured, socially-stunted teen who was a recurring victim of grooming. Most of my adolescence was me feeling miserable for my inability to build true friendships and constant mental breakdowns that forced me out of school; on-and-off therapy; frequent cutting and staying home. It was a lonely, miserable existence. I wasn't given a lot of help until I was almost 18, and a lot of it I've had to look for myself.
Now as an adult, I don't know what I want or where I want to go. I'm academically behind and scared of looking for a job. I stay home and exist. The mere act of being home provokes a deep sense of guilt inside me. My mother loves me and has shown her support multiple times, but I can't feel as nothing but a parasite. Less than trash.
I've looked for help in friends, therapy, meds and other places, but I feel mistreated and misunderstood. Psychiatry especially has proved to be deeply hurtful. I decided to see one after 4 years off meds and I regret it. The doctor doesn't listen to me, dismisses my concerns and misgenders me so much it's not even funny. The worst part is that I went to him because I had heard he had trans patients, but he has shown so much ignorance in trans issues it's baffling. I have to wait a couple of months for the meds to take effect, but he didn't explain that to me. I feel betrayed.
These days I've felt so much pressure to take decisions about my body and my future that I'm not comfortable with. I feel like my bodily autonomy and choices are not respected. And whenever I speak up, I'm dismissed. I can't get any fucking break.
Suicide, to me, feels like liberation, the ultimate act of self-care/self-preservation. But I haven't been able to carry it out due to multiple reasons. I'm hoping to be able to do it before the end of the year. I can't stand any of this crap any longer.
It's awful. I don't know how I'm supposed to function in this cruel, unjust world. A bird cannot learn to fly if its wings are torn apart and gets mocked for it. A bird won't look into the mirror for fear of looking at what could've been, at what could never be.
My birthday was sometime ago. It's been a crazy two years and I haven't been able to gain any further clarity for my future. I would say I've become more fearful of life.
Looking back at my childhood, I still can't understand where my life went wrong. People always told me I was destined for a good life. I was a smart, well-behaved and curious kid, excited at what the world had for him.
I'm in my early 20's and everyday is an inner struggle for survival. I don't wanna live, I don't wanna suffer. It pains me to see myself in the mirror and realize the great failure I became, the great disappointment it was for everyone who ever believed in me. Not even my father has faith in me anymore.
I don't feel like an adult, I still feel like a teen. I look back at my actual teenage years and wonder if I'm compensating for the lack of experiences and growth. I was an undiagnosed, mentally ill, emotionally neglected, academically pressured, socially-stunted teen who was a recurring victim of grooming. Most of my adolescence was me feeling miserable for my inability to build true friendships and constant mental breakdowns that forced me out of school; on-and-off therapy; frequent cutting and staying home. It was a lonely, miserable existence. I wasn't given a lot of help until I was almost 18, and a lot of it I've had to look for myself.
Now as an adult, I don't know what I want or where I want to go. I'm academically behind and scared of looking for a job. I stay home and exist. The mere act of being home provokes a deep sense of guilt inside me. My mother loves me and has shown her support multiple times, but I can't feel as nothing but a parasite. Less than trash.
I've looked for help in friends, therapy, meds and other places, but I feel mistreated and misunderstood. Psychiatry especially has proved to be deeply hurtful. I decided to see one after 4 years off meds and I regret it. The doctor doesn't listen to me, dismisses my concerns and misgenders me so much it's not even funny. The worst part is that I went to him because I had heard he had trans patients, but he has shown so much ignorance in trans issues it's baffling. I have to wait a couple of months for the meds to take effect, but he didn't explain that to me. I feel betrayed.
These days I've felt so much pressure to take decisions about my body and my future that I'm not comfortable with. I feel like my bodily autonomy and choices are not respected. And whenever I speak up, I'm dismissed. I can't get any fucking break.
Suicide, to me, feels like liberation, the ultimate act of self-care/self-preservation. But I haven't been able to carry it out due to multiple reasons. I'm hoping to be able to do it before the end of the year. I can't stand any of this crap any longer.
It's awful. I don't know how I'm supposed to function in this cruel, unjust world. A bird cannot learn to fly if its wings are torn apart and gets mocked for it. A bird won't look into the mirror for fear of looking at what could've been, at what could never be.
