Venting Having a really bad day

[Brainpain]

My emotions are very overwhelming today. My life is an absolute mess. I am panicking about work on Monday. I am barely coping in life. On the outside one might think I'm okay, even a moderate success in life. I look okay. But I am a prisoner in my own brain and body. I am toxic to those I love.
I think a lot about the N and why I can't bring myself to use it. I worry I will somehow fail at that too.

 

[Alchemist]

I call that "everyday".

 

[JoeFailure]

I call that "everyday".

Haha, I was going to say that.

But to the OP, I am sorry to hear that. I know exactly how it feels. I know that probably doesn't help, but I feel for you and hope things get better somehow.

 

[Rex2019]

My emotions are very overwhelming today. My life is an absolute mess. I am panicking about work on Monday. I am barely coping in life. On the outside one might think I'm okay, even a moderate success in life. I look okay. But I am a prisoner in my own brain and body. I am toxic to those I love.
I think a lot about the N and why I can't bring myself to use it. I worry I will somehow fail at that too.

could have written it myself. You are obviously a high-functioning depressed person. Hope you survive through another day. Also, you prolly aren't toxic like you think...Maybe you aren't yet at your last thread and that's why it isn't time to use N yet. Maybe you still have a chance and can get out.

reminded me of this song for some reason:

 

[pole]

My emotions are very overwhelming today. My life is an absolute mess. I am panicking about work on Monday. I am barely coping in life. On the outside one might think I'm okay, even a moderate success in life. I look okay. But I am a prisoner in my own brain and body. I am toxic to those I love.
I think a lot about the N and why I can't bring myself to use it. I worry I will somehow fail at that too.

Breath, divert you're emotions by doing something to get you're mind off things; maybe listen to music, force yourself to go out and surround yourself around others. That always helps. Don't keep it all in, venting and talking to someone about what you're going through helps incredibly. There are dozens of people who would be willing to listen, including myself.

Take care, and hope you feel better.

 

[Kyrok]

I call that "everyday".

Seconded.

 

[Lara Francis]

My emotions are very overwhelming today. My life is an absolute mess. I am panicking about work on Monday. I am barely coping in life. On the outside one might think I'm okay, even a moderate success in life. I look okay. But I am a prisoner in my own brain and body. I am toxic to those I love.
I think a lot about the N and why I can't bring myself to use it. I worry I will somehow fail at that too.

Hi @Brainpain
I am sorry you r having a bad day.
Whats making you worry about work?
Is it something that can be sorted?
Would it help to take some time off,maybe a few days holiday.
I think we all r guilty of putting up a false image because we fear people will run for the hills if they could really understand the depth of our despair.
Is there anything we can help you with.
Your have the gold standard of method for ctb so very much doubt it will fail you when you are ready.
My guess is its not that time yet which is nothing to be hard on yourself for.
Always here if you want to talk or pm me.
Hugs x

 

[bluesky1972-2019]

My emotions are very overwhelming today. My life is an absolute mess. I am panicking about work on Monday. I am barely coping in life. On the outside one might think I'm okay, even a moderate success in life. I look okay. But I am a prisoner in my own brain and body. I am toxic to those I love.
I think a lot about the N and why I can't bring myself to use it. I worry I will somehow fail at that too.

I know how you feel. I had to take a month of work with stress and couldn't tell anyone. Not even my family knew. Obviously work did but I kept it from everyone else.
I went back to work last week to try and feel better. Ended up breaking down in tears when I was speaking to my manager about it. I've plodded on and got through the week.
I feel very alone and pushing the issues to the back of my mind to feel "normal". I'm actually in a daze of numbness.
I know I need to leave this life it's just a matter of when and how. It's got to end. It must end.

 

[Lara Francis]

How are you today @Brainpain ?
Thinking of you x

 

[Brainpain]

could have written it myself. You are obviously a high-functioning depressed person. Hope you survive through another day. Also, you prolly aren't toxic like you think...Maybe you aren't yet at your last thread and that's why it isn't time to use N yet. Maybe you still have a chance and can get out.

reminded me of this song for some reason:

Thank you for your kindness. It is hard being outwardly "high functioning" bipolar with chronic pain because everyone expects me to have this face on all the time and it's exhausting. I live life almost like everyone else but no one seems to have to try as hard. I am always tired, depressed and in serious pain yet the same is expected of me as a neurotypical able bodied person.
I wish I could get out of a society that has these expectations of me.

Hi @Brainpain
I am sorry you r having a bad day.
Whats making you worry about work?
Is it something that can be sorted?
Would it help to take some time off,maybe a few days holiday.
I think we all r guilty of putting up a false image because we fear people will run for the hills if they could really understand the depth of our despair.
Is there anything we can help you with.
Your have the gold standard of method for ctb so very much doubt it will fail you when you are ready.
My guess is its not that time yet which is nothing to be hard on yourself for.
Always here if you want to talk or pm me.
Hugs x

Thanks for your kind words. Work is hard for me because I have chronic pain and it's excruciating, on top of having bipolar and anxiety. I got a new assignment at work and the longer hours are killing me. Finding another job isn't an option unfortunately. I can't deal with another fight with disability and don't want to live in pain AND poverty. Some days it is just so overwhelming putting on a face to everybody that I'm fine . I look normal so people expect me to function normally. I was doing better for awhile and that's why I held off on my method. But now I'm seeing that no matter how better I do I'll never be cured and it's a tiresome struggle.

How are you today @Brainpain ?
Thinking of you x

Still really struggling. Work distracted my from a lot of my thoughts but made my physical pain worse. Thank you so much for asking and I hope today is OK for you too.

I know how you feel. I had to take a month of work with stress and couldn't tell anyone. Not even my family knew. Obviously work did but I kept it from everyone else.
I went back to work last week to try and feel better. Ended up breaking down in tears when I was speaking to my manager about it. I've plodded on and got through the week.
I feel very alone and pushing the issues to the back of my mind to feel "normal". I'm actually in a daze of numbness.
I know I need to leave this life it's just a matter of when and how. It's got to end. It must end.

I actually feel like I could have written this .i also quietly took a couple weeks off stress and normally I just plug away. I am slowly unravelling and feel people are noticing . I try to hide everything and keep my face on and it's very tiring. You aren't alone. We are out there but we are hiding behind these faces we put on. That's why we can only talk like this over the internet. I know one day I will use my method. I know it's foolproof but I'm still
Worried it has expired or something stupid like my meds will mess it up. I've been fighting a long time. I hope this week is better for you.