Venting Having a partner is extremely important.

[Anxieyote]

I'm no expert on the subject, but I have casually dated a couple people in high school, and had one serious relationship that lasted for awhile.

I've been alone for about a year now, and my mental health has deteriorated faster than I could have expected. You would think I'd have a much easier time with being alone, because I spent most of my early 20's alone too. I was content with watching porn, and that was my only source of comfort for literally years.

But I greatly underestimated how good it feels to have someone waiting for you after a bad day, and knowing that they'll be there to help. Imagine going from having someone to hold you and cuddle you for hours until you calm down and feel better…to just nothing.

And after they leave, you're becoming gradually undateable the more time you spend alone because you're developing psychosis, using alcohol and drugs to simulate the feeling of their warm embrace, and forgetting how to socialize in general.

You know how when you come home at night after a long day at work? That's supposed to be your chance to recharge and relax, but I would wager that most of us on these forums are actively battling our thoughts from the moment we leave. A loving partner fixes all of that.

What an incredible difference it makes to have someone there who says "What's wrong?" when they see the expression on your face after a bad day. And to be able to lay your head on their shoulder, as they hold your hands and gently press their thumbs against them. To have someone who will genuinely listen to all of your problems (big or small) and wants to help you feel better.

You don't have to worry about not getting enough sleep that night either, because simply being in bed next to them is so pleasant and life-affirming, that you'll drift off effortlessly. When was the last time you had a genuine smile on your face while you were falling asleep? I know that my last time was with him.

It really doesn't surprise me that I prefer death at this point. I don't even know if it's possible to go about recreating the happiness I felt while I was with him.

 

[tiredplant777]

I totally understand this. I have never been in a long term relationship and I am 32 now. But I have been in on and off situations, and shorter relationships. Those were some of the only times I have felt better. Being with someone and being held has always made such a difference in my life. People say that we don't need anyone else to make us happy, but I don't think that is true, especially nowadays when there is not much community and a lot of isolation.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

I can warm myself up by talking to myself in my head and by doing simple meditation stuff. Often it's not enough though, I think we'd have to have a pretty good skillset to negate the effects of skin hunger and a lack of affection. But it's obviously possible. This is my biggest problem in life and I don't think I'm close to solving it, lol. At least for me my suffering comes from the thoughts of experiencing affection/cuddling not getting "checked" and then spiraling into a flurry of emotions and thoughts (that are, again, not getting "checked").

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

I feel this too, that's why I have always had a girlfriend. I've been single for maybe six months in the last 20 years. Reason being that I know I will go absolutely nuts otherwise, because other than my gf, I am 100% isolated in the world.

But the problem I am facing is that she is going cold on me after 6 years together now. It's like she's not interested in anything and staying out of the house more and more. I wish she would be warmer, or that I could date another girl, because I feel like it might be ending. But of course, I can't do that really, because a new girl will not understand that I need there to be a smooth transition. It would seem really fucked up and unhealthy, even though I feel like that's what I need. I feel trapped and lonely in my relationship.

 

[Arnar]

yea this is mostly why I'm gonna ctb

 

[Darkmoon Queen]

I'd put the emphasis on having a LOVING partner (which you do in the post, to be fair).

Having a partner who criticises your every move, is completely unsupportive of your hobbies and ambitions, who tells you to change entire chunks of your personality and really just issues shit test after shit test is going to destroy you faster than being physically alone. Only one thing sucks more than being physically alone and that's feeling lonely BECAUSE of another person.

I think people with low self esteem end up trapped in these situations because they attract narcissists and predators and believe whatever lies or exaggerations they're told about themselves. That just leads to more misanthropy and social isolation.

There's also the issue of it not being fair to put the burden of your ENTIRE mental wellbeing on someone else. They need to be a part of your world, not its entirety.

You need to like yourself, believe in yourself and advocate for yourself to find your person. And in people who are actively depressed and suicidal, that tends to be extremely difficult, leading to loneliness in some form or another and the reinforcement of damaging beliefs.

 

[Lifessocruel]

Yeah, I've never been in a proper relationship and no doubt taking on this life on your own his almost impossible. You need to be supported mentally for when things get tough and i feel a failure as a human being. This isn't the reason why I'm cbt but had i been braver and got into a relationship then my life would have been much better. I guess some things are just not meant to be.

 

[SentientCreature]

I'd put the emphasis on having a LOVING partner (which you do in the post, to be fair).

Having a partner who criticises your every move, is completely unsupportive of your hobbies and ambitions, who tells you to change entire chunks of your personality and really just issues shit test after shit test is going to destroy you faster than being physically alone. Only one thing sucks more than being physically alone and that's feeling lonely BECAUSE of another person.

I think people with low self esteem end up trapped in these situations because they attract narcissists and predators and believe whatever lies or exaggerations they're told about themselves. That just leads to more misanthropy and social isolation.

There's also the issue of it not being fair to put the burden of your ENTIRE mental wellbeing on someone else. They need to be a part of your world, not its entirety.

You need to like yourself, believe in yourself and advocate for yourself to find your person. And in people who are actively depressed and suicidal, that tends to be extremely difficult, leading to loneliness in some form or another and the reinforcement of damaging beliefs.

Well said. The only people who want a mentally unstable partner are those who want to abuse their relatively superior position.
People seem to imagine their potential future partner almost as some kind of a parental figure who would sympathize with their struggles and provide emotional support, but I don't think a relationship like that could survive long. They'd likely become overly dependent to the point of pushing the other person away with their fear of abandonment.

But I don't wanna be too dismissive of their feelings and frustrations. I personally no longer attach much value to romantic relationships, but I can still relate to issues pertaining to alienation and isolation. Though a good friend with similar interests is a much better remedy for that in my opinion.

 

[Darkmoon Queen]

Well said. The only people who want a mentally unstable partner are those who want to abuse their relatively superior position.
People seem to imagine their potential future partner almost as some kind of a parental figure who would sympathize with their struggles and provide emotional support, but I don't think a relationship like that could survive long. They'd likely become overly dependent to the point of pushing the other person away with their fear of abandonment.

But I don't wanna be too dismissive of their feelings and frustrations. I personally no longer attach much value to romantic relationships, but I can still relate to issues pertaining to alienation and isolation. Though a good friend with similar interests is a much better remedy for that in my opinion.

100%. I've also been both the codependent and the distancer and while I was the distancer, the clinginess was a huge turn off. The other person having to know where you are, demanding all of your attention and threatening to kill you because they perceived that you 'allowed' a person to flirt with you is just a recipe for disaster. I don't think Hollywood has helped in this regard, movies often portray obsessive possession as real love.

 

[SentientCreature]

100%. I've also been both the codependent and the distancer and while I was the distancer, the clinginess was a huge turn off. The other person having to know where you are, demanding all of your attention and threatening to kill you because they perceived that you 'allowed' a person to flirt with you is just a recipe for disaster. I don't think Hollywood has helped in this regard, movies often portray obsessive possession as real love.

Ah yes, movies... The brainwashing machine. Would be nice if we could somehow prevent future generations from falling for those memes.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

how good it feels to have someone waiting for you after a bad day

There are stacks of research papers that show relationships are beneficial in many ways--from the financial (sharing expenses...) to the emotional (you've addressed this) to the physical (supportive human touch like a hug can drastically change physiology...). But yet still, when you do an online search about this, many of the articles you get back start off, "You don't need a relationship" (these are often written by someone who admits he/she doesn't enjoy relationships--and then they reason that, therefore, relationships aren't critical for others), or "No one is entitled to [kindness, support, love...]." There's even a TED Talk (on CensorTube) about how painful and damaging withheld intimacy in marriage is. It's as if on the one hand society is saying, "If you're lucky enough to have a healthy form of intimate companionship, this intimacy is a 'need'." But the same society, on the other hand, vilifies people who lack companionship--and who share about how they suffer--as "feeling entitled."

Sorry you're hurting, OP. Wish I could offer you a solution. But you have my support.

 

[Darkmoon Queen]

Ah yes, movies... The brainwashing machine. Would be nice if we could somehow prevent future generations from falling for those memes.

Pretty sure I fell for the memes. I was poorly socialised as a child and had nothing else to really model my behaviour and expectations on. Probably contributed heavily to my immense disappointment in life because I was "doing everything right" and only ever getting disdain.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

taking on this life on your own his almost impossible. You need to be supported mentally for when things get tough

Amen!

 

[Lifessocruel]

I suppose I've done well getting this far lol, being in my 30s! I suppose i would consider myself to be relatively attractive but the reasons I've got been able to get a relationship run quite deep, well basically a fucked up childhood with a sister who was severely mentally disable and got taken into care. I tried speed dating ect just before Covid and whilst I got some interest i was never able to go for it, i think when you leave things too long it becomes impossible for the mind to come out of your shell. Although i came very close but unfortunately she was in a relationship. I have so many regrets like i think i could of had to so good but then Covid hit and everything went downhill and medical problems went me right down.
I have a built a good business that i love but i never had anyone to share my life with and when things got out of hand i never stood a chance. These are my final days on this destructive planet.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

I have a built a good business that i love but i never had anyone to share my life with

Reminds me of all those pop-songs that say, essentially, the same thing--What good is a home if you have no one to share it with? And as you're alluding to, very soon you're "too old" to be justifiably (so you're told) thinking about relationships. :) Hope you find something that makes you happy.

 

[SentientCreature]

Pretty sure I fell for the memes. I was poorly socialised as a child and had nothing else to really model my behaviour and expectations on. Probably contributed heavily to my immense disappointment in life because I was "doing everything right" and only ever getting disdain.

That makes sense. On the other hand I had a balancing force that cancelled the effects of that false romantic optimism, which was my parents' hopelessly broken marriage at first, and then my own social experience added some more complexity and nunance to that pile of cynical and bitter thoughts about human behavior. And as a result here is me, still immensely disappointed in life. Truly wonderful the mind of a child is.

 

[Lifessocruel]

Reminds me of all those pop-songs that say, essentially, the same thing--What good is a home if you have no one to share it with? And as you're alluding to, very soon you're "too old" to be justifiably (so you're told) thinking about relationships. :) Hope you find something that makes you happy.

Thanks, yeah that's so true and our futures are really all shaped when we are young kids. Dispite how hard i tried i had been psychologically damaged by what i had experienced when i was growing up. I never really gained any confidence and i didn't have a proper father figure. I developed an eating disorder when i was little but managed to overcome it and i also have learning difficulties and a disability.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

Thanks, yeah that's so true and our futures are really all shaped when we are young kids. Dispite how hard i tried i had been psychologically damaged by what i had experienced when i was growing up. I never really gained any confidence and i didn't have a proper father figure. I developed an eating disorder when i was little but managed to overcome it and i also have learning difficulties and a disability.

We see some important things similarly. I agree with you that we can be strongly shaped by our childhoods. Sorry to sound like a geek, but there is excellent research evidence on the ways the relationship between mother and in-utero, newborn, and early childhood child change the growing fetus' and child's physiology--from brain to immune system... And there are complementary publications on how the paternal relationship also significantly benefits children--and their future selves. But our culture tells people that by a certain age, they are wholly responsible for their lives' failures/successes. I've stopped trying to reason with people about why this perspective is inconsistent with the research evidence. I think many of us want to be absolved of how our actions impact others' life trajectories. So we buy into the broad Western meritocratic ideology. Bullying, abandonment, the many kinds of legally-obscure social predation... It's almost always left up to the victim to deal with the fall-out.

Sorry for rambling. But I think what you're sharing here in very many social media settings would be considered tantamount to expressing the much-hated "entitlement." So, I wanted to offer you support. I think there's sound, objective corroboration of what you're sharing. Don't let others make you feel like there's something wrong with you because you're hurting.

 

[Lifessocruel]

Yeah I've always felt i didn't quite fit in with the so called normal ones but we live in such a high pressured and stigmatised society where too much emphasis is on how people are perceived to be living. Society creates these false pressures and then people are forced into a corner.
I would of liked to live in a more peaceful laid back place like Sweden or Norway. Instead I've always lived in a fast paced city and with so many people judging you on how you are living your life.
I think there are too many obnoxious and disgusting people in this world and I've been unlucky to come in contact with a few, i suppose when i was young i was weak too nice and I taken for granted. I suppose i reason why they are like that is that they have been bullied themselves so its like a vicious merry go round of hate. I don't really enjoy anything anymore and I can't see how i can overturn this collateral damage.

 

[wannabesetfree]

I can't even imagine. I'm completely alone. The one and only relationship I was in was super toxic and horrible and I haven't been in a relationship since 2015. No one I ever come in contact with in my life is ever interested in me aside from using me for whatever reason. I don't know what it's even like to feel love. I'm also so pathetic that I have an imaginary "relationship" with a celebrity just so I can pretend that I have someone who actually cares for me.