Havent posted on here for a while

[jawdropped123]

Its been months now and i still havent ctb. Ive been very down lately and ive been planning to buy some xanax for months now so i can use it to ctb. I dont know if 30 mg is enough but hopefully it is. Ive been trying so hard to connect with people but even my therapist is lowkey pushing me away. No one likes me or want to be around me. Im getting tired of being here i cant take this for any longer. I wish there was another solution for my problem but really there isnt. I hope no one feels guilty about my plans even the ones that treated me badly it isnt their fault either. I hope i could tell everyone hoe sorry i am for what im about to do. The fact that im feelung so empty is kinda concerning to me. I cant risk telling my therapist too much because i have a job now ans if i lose my job i will be homeless. I wish i was just a teenager with less care and less responsibility because if i do one wrong thing right now im fucked ive writen a list of reasons why i should kill myself and i reached about 50 point. My reasons may not be valid to other people but to me it is. Have a great day.

 

[Foresight]

I'm so sorry. I understand your plight as I've said in the past. I wish you well, with comfort and relief in some form.

I must mention oding on benzos is pretty much impossible.

 

[jawdropped123]

I'm sorry for your suffering. What do you think comes after this?

Maybe we will turn into the animal we love the most. Atleast i hope i will

I'm so sorry. I understand your plight as I've said in the past. I wish you well, with comfort and relief in some form.

I must mention oding on benzos is pretty much impossible.

Why is it impossible if xanax is supposed to be dangerous?

 

[WorthlessTrash]

May I ask what is causing you to believe that CTB is the answer?

Regardless, very sorry for what you are going through :(

 

[jawdropped123]

May I ask what is causing you to believe that CTB is the answer?

Regardless, very sorry for what you are going through :(

1. I have the condition tmau
2. Im ugly
3. People stare at me
4. Im not smart atall
5. Im lonely
6. I cant eat anything i want
7. Im black
8. Im single
9. No one loves me
10. Im weird
11. I have 4c hair
12. Im too shy
13. Im a bad person
14. No one cares about me
15. Im broke
16. Im addicted to porn because im lonely
17. I Dont care about friends unless im obsessed with them
18. People make fun of me in my face
19. I get laughed at
20. People talk behind my back
21. Im skinny
22. No one want to be around me
23. Im extra paranoid thinking people are staring at me when actually maybe theyre not.
24. I cant drink alcohol due to my tmau condition
25. People sniff and cough around me due to my condition
26. I may be fired because of my condition
27. I cant stand my own smell, sometimes i dont smell it but alot of times i do especially after a couple of hours.
28. I dont know how to act in public
29. I look mean
30. I went on a date with this guy and he did things to me even tho i kept saying no
31. I cant eat chocolate and sugary things or junk food. Or fish or meat in general
32. Everything disgust me even myself
33. I hate myself
34. No one will ever love me, only people that do is the once that ate forced too...my future kids, parents..
35. Cant enjoy any outdoors activity
36. Ask other people if they would kill themself if they where in my situation the majority said yes
37. I cant have a conversation without feeling embarrassed.
38. I have tention in my body
39. Cant even keep friendship
40. Working 9-6 all week long so constantely having to go suffer while other people smell me
41. Being extra paranoid when people are talking thinking they are talking about me
42. Cant fight
43. No one tries to talk to me
44. I get ignored
45. Not feeling feminine enough because im black and my hair
46. Racism
47. I live in a room and my roommates dont even like me
48. I want kids but i cant even get a partner to begin with
49. I have a 6k debt and i dont even make alot
50. I love food but cant eat any of it or else it will affect my condition
51. Im still a virgin
52. Cant touch people because i know that they find me disgusting

 

[Foresight]

A lot of the time street xanax is dangerous because it's not xanax. You can take an extraordinary amount of any real benzo and sleep for a week/mess your brain up.

You can try a cocktail but you'd need advice from people who know better. An inefficient combo could result in brain damage.

 

[FuneralCry]

I know that this life can be unbearable when you are suffering so much. I am also so tired. I hope you find relief from your pain in whatever happens.

 

[whatevs]

1. I have the condition tmau
2. Im ugly
3. People stare at me
4. Im not smart atall
5. Im lonely
6. I cant eat anything i want
7. Im black
8. Im single
9. No one loves me
10. Im weird
11. I have 4c hair
12. Im too shy
13. Im a bad person
14. No one cares about me
15. Im broke
16. Im addicted to porn because im lonely
17. I Dont care about friends unless im obsessed with them
18. People make fun of me in my face
19. I get laughed at
20. People talk behind my back
21. Im skinny
22. No one want to be around me
23. Im extra paranoid thinking people are staring at me when actually maybe theyre not.
24. I cant drink alcohol due to my tmau condition
25. People sniff and cough around me due to my condition
26. I may be fired because of my condition
27. I cant stand my own smell, sometimes i dont smell it but alot of times i do especially after a couple of hours.
28. I dont know how to act in public
29. I look mean
30. I went on a date with this guy and he did things to me even tho i kept saying no
31. I cant eat chocolate and sugary things or junk food. Or fish or meat in general
32. Everything disgust me even myself
33. I hate myself
34. No one will ever love me, only people that do is the once that ate forced too...my future kids, parents..
35. Cant enjoy any outdoors activity
36. Ask other people if they would kill themself if they where in my situation the majority said yes
37. I cant have a conversation without feeling embarrassed.
38. I have tention in my body
39. Cant even keep friendship
40. Working 9-6 all week long so constantely having to go suffer while other people smell me
41. Being extra paranoid when people are talking thinking they are talking about me
42. Cant fight
43. No one tries to talk to me
44. I get ignored
45. Not feeling feminine enough because im black and my hair
46. Racism
47. I live in a room and my roommates dont even like me
48. I want kids but i cant even get a partner to begin with
49. I have a 6k debt and i dont even make alot
50. I love food but cant eat any of it or else it will affect my condition
51. Im still a virgin
52. Cant touch people because i know that they find me disgusting

-1. You´re a hard worker than can assemble a list of 52 items to better convey a message.

 

[Doombox]

I just looked up tmau and that sounds really challenging. I had never heard of it before. I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I looked up your condition, also, and I'm really sorry you are having to deal with this terrible condition. I can only imagine how challenging that must be. I don't feel it's right to comment too much on your "list" because it is your list and is a conveyance of how you feel. But, #30 on your list is not your fault. #36 should never be a determining factor, or even factor in, to what you do. #34 is your perception, but you can't know what someone else will do. Actually, I think #21 is a positive. I'm going to stop before I stick my foot in my mouth because I can't possibly know what it is like to be you. Sorry, if I already said too much.

Oh, I wanted to say, maybe just so you know that you aren't quite alone in everything, that I can only eat certain foods, too, due to an endocrine disorder. I actually eat exactly the same food every day and have been for the past 13 or 14 years. My breakfast is the same every day and my dinner is the same every day. Exactly. There are so few things I can eat. If I eat the wrong foods, at night, when I'm trying to go to sleep, I get electrical shocks in my brain, like the synapse between neuron ends in my head, is shorting out and it hurts like all fuck. Like the list of things I can't have is just about all foods, and the list of things I can is a handful. And I had to learn by experimenting, to see what I could have, and take the suffering that came along with the experimenting, until I found some I could tolerate, somewhat. I've never really gotten a definitive explanation from anyone doctors, including any neurologist. They don't know. My system just won't metabolize most food properly. And I admit it is tiring. Especially over the years. It wears one down a little bit at a time.

 

[sunny/omori]

I feel very sorry about your strugglings. I can see myself in a lot of your points. Living is hard, but dying is hard too. Xanax is a non starter. Read the Peaceful Pill Book and Exit Book carefully before do some desesperade act. I wish you the best.

 

[downndone2]

I'm glad to see you! I'm sorry you're going through all of this. I commented on one of your last posts and we chatted a bit. I hope that things get better.
I know your condition and I do hope they find a cure for it in the coming years.
Xanax is not reliable alone. I wish I had some though.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

I'm so sorry for your suffering. I can't even imagine what it is like. Just want to say that you're not alone and we're here for you. We all suffer in our own way. I wish you the best and I hope seeing you around here more again.