Have you told anyone in the real world?

[OneBigBlur]

I do kind of talk about it with my current therapist but I mention other people who have made their exit. That's probably why she asks me if I'm suicidal every week and I have to say no every time, fun.

 

[HereToday]

It's the zeitgeist. Don't ever let yourself be 'bogged down' by people, cut negative people out of your life immediately. I guess this works until one day you need help yourself.

This is exactly it. Anyone who cuts out someone in need because they're so called 'toxic', is a toxic person themselves! Would they cut out someone with a terminal illness because its 'toxic'?!

 

[Despondent]

No.. I feel like I hint it every once in a while but will never come out and directly say it. I don't want to be saved if I choose to go along with the decision. Everyone says, "I'm gonna kill myself" when they're frustrated without actually having the intentions. It's kind of just a saying so no wonder no one will ever take me seriously when I hint. They'll find out one day. No need for me to confide, although the thought of someone supporting my decision would be much easier.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

No. I only share memes about suicide on Fb

 

[Manja]

I told an internet friend who btw wanted to meet with me IRL, and she never spoke to me again after that

 

[LMLN]

I told an internet friend who btw wanted to meet with me IRL, and she never spoke to me again after that

After my attempt many people stopped talking to me. Most people did not know. But of the people that do, most avoid me.

 

[PartingGlass]

I've told my parents, my uncle, my brother, my sisters and my best friend. I told them everything about how I was depressed and lonely and that I wanted to die. They all tried to help but none of the stuff they told me made me feel any different, except my brother who made me feel even worse. Now they clearly still care but it just feels like they're tired of dealing with me. They say they aren't, but that's how it feels.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

Yesterday I was invited by old friends for New Year's and one of them brought up some moral dilemmas. A few of them got really pissed at him and said we shouldn't discuss such 'depressing topics' and be grateful that we don't have to face such questions in our day to day lives (lol).

I was shocked how content and innocent they must feel and it was hard to keep quiet about it.

One of them also made a suicide joke which I laughed a little too hard at. The reasoning behind suicide seems so alien to them, my eventual ctb would really strike them out of the blue.

 

[Ame]

It's story time!

Having been quite mentally ill for many years, I doubt very much that the possibility of me committing suicide is something that doesn't concern my family. There are moments when I've been more open and honest about feeling poorly and in some instances it has landed me in hospital. This time feels a bit different in that my sentiments feel "stuck" and that there is more of a drive to "protect" my plans. If I mention anything, it is more of an effort to reduce the force of impact by allowing room for anticipatory grief to set its roots.

In early October, before finally signing up for this forum, I was having a panic attack which prompted my father to try and bring me to hospital. I managed to assure him that I would be fine and that a short term hold in a psychiatry emergency ward would do more harm than good, but it really hurt to have him plead like he did. It's heartbreaking to see your own father, someone who you grew up seeing as so strong, on the edge of tears and to hear him say: "I know in my heart that if I don't take you tonight, I will regret it for the rest of my life".

Every time I think back on his words, I feel so guilty because I know that if I succeed that he will be right. God, even writing what he said has me feel like crying. The idea of hurting my family kills me the most but I cannot cut ties with myself in any other way.

I recently made the mistake of telling long distance friend that a part of the reason I have been emotionally distant is that I have been actively suicidal (I did not disclose the method, nor did I bring up this forum). They have a history of mental illness and do their very best to manage their condition in their day to day. I admire them a great deal. This friend has also attempted in the past and so they can understand what is going on in my head to some extent. They chose to recover and to live and while distraught, tried their best to convince me to do the same.

It's awful, but even though they were crying and hoping for me to live, I could not cry. It hurt to witness their pain, but it didn't diminish my resolve as I had once feared it would. I responded by walking around the question and not committing to anything. I don't like to lie so talking as though my fate was still "open" was the most that I could manage. I feel like by confiding in this friend, I have cheated myself and even worse, I have left them with this terribly heavy burden. I would rather vanish and let them assume that I just ghosted them, but now they worry that one day they will wake up to discover that I am not there and there will be no doubt in their mind as to why.

I love my family and my friends and I also want to go with what little dignity I have left, before my angst burns up my gratitude.

 

[Carina]

Telling vague things, sure, don't care too much--I'm great at damage control at work/etc when need be. Granted me being good that that isn't really a good thing because it means I've had practice. I swear I can come up with excuses, reasons for why it was taken wrong/etc as easily as I breathe. Might be a bad example.

I told me best friend, he will listen, but he will just always try to stop me. I so want to tell him that's not why I told you, when I hit that point, you won't be able to stop me. I really told him for a few reasons, one being I was suicidal, and we just lost a friend who ctb and I didn't want him to be hit with two friends dieing within weeks/just over a month of each other. The other was I was hoping that I'd be able to have one last conversation with him. But I know that it's not possible now. I probably won't be able to ever talk to him other than text now because of it.

Even when I say I talk to him now in other place--it's really just texting. At least it's easy to lie or omit over text.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

After my attempt many people stopped talking to me. Most people did not know. But of the people that do, most avoid me.

Did you expect this or were you thinking they'd be there for you regardless?


@Ame damn that story with your dad made me tear up. He really seems to love you. How is your relationship with him?

 

[LMLN]

Did you expect this or were you thinking they'd be there for you regardless?

I never thought they would avoid me like this. They found out without me saying anything. A family member told them.

 

[TAW122]

I may have hinted at suicide in the past (like years ago) but never outright stated that I wished to die, had the means, a time and date, nor a plan. It's simply too risky. I did however, have discussions about euthanasia and stuff and it's really just testing the waters. Given the risks and stuff, nowadays I don't even talk about death for fear of being misunderstood and having people go into my business and start questioning me at every corner. That's the last thing I ever need if I am to successfully CTB someday. I simply cannot afford to have anyone jeopardize my attempt.

 

[Manja]

After my attempt many people stopped talking to me. Most people did not know. But of the people that do, most avoid me.

I don't know if they think we're nuts and they don't want to socialize with crazy people, or they don't want to attach emotionally to someone they will lose...chances are it's the first

 

[Secrets1]

I've talked about it at length with my doctors, but now that I'm serious about it, that may have to stop. Because they always want to know if you have a plan -- and soon, I will. That wasn't true before. I hate like hell to lie to my doctors because they're good people, but I intend to do what I intend to do.

boom. Discussed it plenty with doctors, always in the future tense (which has been truthful). Have learned that is how to protect yourself 110% of the time. Emotionally it is easier for them too. Mentioned I found a pro-choice forum and think that scared them. They jump to what's been trained which is all about immediate harm reduction. And then avoidance/redirection.

I can tell talking about it makes them uncomfortable. Especially practitioners im close with. That leads to us not talking about practicing which would scare the shit out of them if they knew. Part of me feels like they don't want to and be saddled with the emotional burden of possibilities unless it's a life or death moment in the present. I can understand that. It's tough on the therapeutic relationship though bc lately my mind has been occupied by ideation 80% of the day.

Unfortunately the person I am most honest with is my mom she can read me, pries, tries to help. Although the conversations aren't super direct about it most of the time. Occasionally they are. I try to make her understand at this point she can't save me and I want independence from staying alive just for her sake

 

[a.n.kirillov]

I don't know if they think we're nuts and they don't want to socialize with crazy people, or they don't want to attach emotionally to someone they will lose...chances are it's the first

They could also think you're being selfish. It's just massively uncomfortable for people.

 

[Skyview]

No. They would put me in the hospital. This is the only place I can talk about it.

OH ! , I know ! let's have national suicide awareness week Let's talk and be open about it !
Before you know it you're in the psych ward .

@LMLN , you are wise and know the repercussions .

 

[kiko]

Good question enjoying the replys.

Ive a diagnosis thats opens me up for euthanasia. I commited to the idea two years ago and was undiagnoised and then rediagnosed in september. Following a car accident in october where i thought it was finally over I opened the dialogue with my GP about euthanasia and she told me they would support my decision.

Ive have the same conversation with my psychiatrisic who is adamant that mental illnesses are recoverable. I was not sectioned thank fuck.

Ive told one of my close friends he went with the whole things improve approach i shut it down and talked about logistically he said he had a hard time dealing with idea. I plan to tell my other close frienda whenever they return to the country

Even if the money im hoping to come through doesnt come through in time to get the euthanasia ball rolling i plan to catch the bus before summer this year. I like opening dialogue around euthanasia because it helps it feel a little more real and helps them plan for my death

 

[mayflower]

Same here

After my attempt many people stopped talking to me. Most people did not know. But of the people that do, most avoid me.

 

[Manja]

They could also think you're being selfish. It's just massively uncomfortable for people.

Yes and maybe they even resent you for telling them bc it's a burden on their conscience...they don't know what to do with it

 

[Ame]

@Ame damn that story with your dad made me tear up. He really seems to love you. How is your relationship with him?

I'm so sorry! You're right, my father really loves me and my siblings a great deal. For him, his family is his entire life and I suspect his very raison d'être. My relationship with my father isn't perfect but overall we are close (I was very clingy as a child too). I am slow to process my emotions and he is quick to jump to conclusions so sometimes it can cause some tension. We are all flawed in some ways, my father included, and sometimes he has behaved in ways that left me feeling hurt, but when I look back with a clear mind, I know that he always has my best interests at heart and is doing the best he can. I know that not everyone is blessed with loving parents (my father was not so lucky, but he was determined to be a good father to his children) and so I am extremely fortunate to have my parents.

 

[pole]

told one of my ex managers who i was close with about my failed attempts and tries at ctbing and hopeful future plans. and another close bestfriend about my ctb thoughts irl.

odd thing was they both understood my pain and suffering because they were hurt themselves and related to my suicidal ideation and i connected with them even more. Guess everyones going through their own pain and suffering, and sometimes, some genuinly understand and are comfortable with the discussion than others.

 

[OvertheRainbeaux]

I've told plenty of people in my life, I've felt this way since I was 10 & I'm 23 now so for a very long time.

I don't see that ever changing because my life is full of unfortunate events.

I've told my mom, doctors, therapists oddly enough I've never been taken seriously.

 

[HannahB]

My partner, my best friend and oddly enough an old teacher who fb messages me sometimes. They all said I'd be missed and they wouldn't like if I was gone but they haven't really made an effort to stop me or make sure I'm not still wanting to so maybe that's just what I need to finally give up on me too

 

[Betweenlifeanddeath]

I have. To days ago, I had an impulse and texted a friend about it. She has been supportive and looking to see me seek more help.

 

[BabyYoda]

I have told at least two people that I know in real life, but I never told them that I'm on this site and that I have plans on CTB after graduation.

First, I told the person from my college who I love very much as a whole. I can't say that he's my crush because for me a crush is just pure infatuation and nothing else. He has been giving me hints that he is most likely suicidal as well and that he hasn't CTB yet because he was too scared to do it and that there were anime that he hasn't watched. When I told him that I was suicidal he was surprisingly calm, though I don't remember him forcing me to stop these thoughts. I think he's the only person that I know in real life who wouldn't throw me those old cliché lines that it gets better. He's a really good listener, as in, and very patient with me. No threats to leave me.

The second person I told was a person from the organization I'm in. He aspires to be a therapist/counselor in the future and helping others cope is in a way a practice for him. I stopped talking about my suicidal thoughts to him because one time when I messaged him about "accepting my fate that I'll never find true love", he said things that made me feel guilty such as "I've been patient to you all the time and it seems that I am no help anymore". He also said "do you want to be one of the people I've walked away from?" which I know is due to the horrible experiences he had with other people. I was hella scared. I answered no to his question. The thing is, this person already knows how sucky the world is and yet he still doesn't consider suicide as an option at all. What's scarier is that the same shit could happen to his future clients.

Other people that I've told were on Reddit. Blah blah blah people will miss you blah blah blah.

 

[Shero]

Could you elaborate more your question? Is it about cbt plans, suicidal thoughts or mental illness in general?
Either way, if it is about the first two i wouldn't. Why would i minimize the possibility to succeed in something i wish for by alerting my surrounding?
If it is about my general mental well being, i have no problem talking about it. It alleviates the burden and if you are lucky, strengthens the bond.

 

[notjustyetagain]

rarely.

having seriously attempted suicide a few times, all of which required stays in hospital/rehab, my family is aware it's something i do and we occasionally discussed my reasons etc. they were never angry with or blamed me. i very recently brought up my suicide with my mother... she said she accepts my decision! i'm very grateful for my immediate family. all of us have been hospitalised for mental-health reasons, which might make us more accepting of suicide. i think they'll all understand, but my little brother will be very angry too: it's going to force him to move house. they all care, though, so i'm struggling with lots of guilt.

of the few friends i've made and cautiously broached the topic of suicide with, those who were accepting of it provided some incredibly meaningful and valuable conversations.

i got very close to an experienced and compassionate mental-health nurse in a psychiatric ward over a ~5-year period. she got to know me, and i trusted her, completely. when i finally mentioned my active suicide plan to her, she -- instead of sectioning me to a locked ward or trying to talk me out of it -- told me she was surprised that i hadn't killed myself yet. the only nurse i also considered a friend.

every time i see my psych i mention my suicidal ideation, but he's warned me that confirming an active suicide plan would force him to have me sectioned or else potentially cost him his job. pretty sure he thinks my suicide is inevitable; he's mentioned being frustrated with, essentially, how untreatable i am. (doubt he's in it for the money: he's seen me for free for almost 15 years.)

generally, when it comes to sharing suicidal ideation/plans IRL, the quality and quantity of trust in the other party seems paramount. to minimise the risk of being reported, sectioned, ghosted, etc. i need to gain considerable experience with and trust in others, before i consider discussing it -- if it seems "appropriate" at all. despite extreme caution, it can still go horribly wrong: my judgement has failed me a couple of times, landing me in nasty locked psych wards.

almost no such risk here.

 

[noctiva]

My ex and some cousins. No one gave a single fuck. Made me feel even worse
Although it could have been worse, they could have sectioned me

Same here. No one cared. No one stepped up. No one is around. I lie in bed all day long, I cry, I reach out to people for help, they read messages 2 days later and either say nothing or answer 'Aww, sweetie, it's not that bad, I know you hurt, hang in there, you will be missed if you do'.. But I am not missed if I don't.
I have lost anything and anyone, I lost my income now, I lose my apartment soon.. I can't even get out of bed to deal with it. I am completely broken now and no one cares.
Doctor threatened to section me, but didn't. Haven't gone to the doctor since and won't do so again.

 

[HereToday]

Same here. No one cared. No one stepped up. No one is around. I lie in bed all day long, I cry, I reach out to people for help, they read messages 2 days later and either say nothing or answer 'Aww, sweetie, it's not that bad, I know you hurt, hang in there'.. I have lost anything and anyone, I lost my income now, I lose my apartment soon.. I can't even get out of bed to deal with it. I am completely broken now and no one cares.
Doctor threatened to section me, but didn't. Haven't gone to the doctor since and won't do so again.

So sorry to hear that. Reaching out and being ignored or shut down is such a terrible feeling. It makes us feel like our life has no value. But your life does have value, regardless of how people do or don't respond. I guess no one can relate to us other than people who are going through the same thing.
I feel the same as you. I have absolutely no one left. I also spend my days in bed, and have ruined my future because I don't have the energy to leave it.

I wish I knew the magic words that would make you feel better, but sadly I don't. The only thing I can say is that you're not alone. I hope things get better for you somehow. If you ever need to talk to someone who can relate, please feel free to message me. I understand and care. I'd say you have friends here but you don't... You have family!