Discussion Have you made peace with your ctb?

[Kobusu]

I've been contemplating (and attempted a few times) my ctb for years now, and I think I've just recently started to make peace. The pain doesn't really ever go away, nor does it get easier to bear. In fact, I'd just say it gets worse as time goes on. None of this is important, what is important is this: Have you made your peace? Truly and honestly? It's a lot, to die. In fact I'd say it's the biggest thing anyone can ever do. When you die, you destroy the world for yourself. That's no small feat. Are you ready? Do you think anyone can ever really be ready? I'd argue I am, but I acknowledge that I might be wrong. I never really second-guess myself, more just acknowledging that I may not be as prepared for this as I think I am. How long have you been ready? What goes through your mind when you contemplate your ctb? Is there fear? Excitement? Pain? I'm curious to know. For me, it always plays itself as a black-and-white film of sorts in my mind. There's a cold detachment, or understanding rather.

 

[Ta555]

The idea of not suffering anymore brings me peace if only for a moment, the fear of failure stresses me out.

 

[BetterInthanOut]

I'm like you, I bought my way out in March 2020 but I'm only really thinking about ctb now. I think what I feel is a sense of inevitability? Like you said, understanding. I don't feel scared or excited just ambivalent, I suppose.

 

[cambrai33]

I am numb to it now, I was emotional at first but then I became empty without fear or thought. Now it just feels like executing a plan and making sure it doesn't fail.

I still care about others but feel no anger, love, fear for myself, only calm relaxing finality.

 

[D&D]

Not terribly long ago I believed I did. I felt I did. Everything ready as planned.
But I am still here.
And now I am worried whether I have been, even if subconsciously, lying to myself all this time. Whether all the meticulous preparations have been nothing more but coping mechanism. Devised to help me cope with unbearable emptiness of my reality. This is what scares me. Really scares me. Because it screams - 'I, your subconscious mind, am not only in charge, but I am your jailer and your executioner as it pleases me.' It makes me question the whole concept of self-deliverance I have been carefully examining for a long time. Is it really as simple as the strength of SI? That some peoples' SI is much stronger than the others? I am not so sure any more.

 

[HiImPaul]

I'm not entirely sure. I feel like it would be easier to be ready if I was completely alone. But having family around that you love definitely makes it harder.

Although I feel like it's been a struggle to at least make it past Christmas, so who knows

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Yup.

 

[-FrozenRobot-]

One of these days, when the sun comes up I won't be here to see it. I made peace with CTB about a year ago. I've been suicidal since a very young age and death always meant exiting from all the suffering and entering a new world. So I don't really have to "make peace" with it because I think about it every day and fantasize CTB-ing.

 

[ClownMe]

I wouldn't say ive made peace with it entirely but im not as stressed about it as i once was.

 

[Dot]

Wll nvr mke pce wth it. Stll only optn availble thgh.

 

[demuic]

Yes. I don't want to live in this world. That's all there is to it. There's no other option.

 

[CiproKilledMe]

Getting there slowly but surely. It's a process, but the more physically tortured I become the easier it gets and the more solace I receive from knowing that I can pull the plug on this nightmare. Of course knowing and doing are two different things. Stay tuned.

 

[FuneralCry]

I am at peace with my decision, I want nothing to do with life and I am not meant for this world. I belong in the nothingness. I know that nothing would ever make me want to live and I do not want to put up with this life for many more decades. I think for me the problem is that ctb itself is difficult, there is the fear of failure and the fact that I lack a peaceful and reliable exit. That is what holds me back.