Have you had a family member CTB? How did you feel?

[sadscotsman]

My cousin (through my dad's brother) had a history of bizarre "attempts" at CTB while he was in active addiction, but none of us ever expected him to actually do it... Until his mum, my aunt (married to my uncle), became ill and eventually passed away in March of this year. He seemed to be handling it better than any of us expected, he'd gotten sober for about a month and seemed to be thinking positively about the future and then... in April, he CTB. We still don't know for sure because his partner cleaned up the scene and the samples they took during his post-mortem haven't been tested yet. He was like a big brother to me and like a second son to my father, so both of us are devastated even if we both understand his feelings. My dad had never been suicidal until our dog got put to sleep on Christmas Day of 2020 and this dog was his life, but she was also young and had a brain tumour, so it was all unfair and he admitted to me that he felt suicidal when she died. He actually had two heart attacks he was that distraught. I'm having a hard time with it because there's a part of me that's angry at my cousin for doing it, because he has three kids and his dad lost his wife and only child within a month of each other and my dad relapsed with his drinking, which with his bad health pushes him closer to dying of multiple organ failure (heart, liver and kidneys). After that, my cousin's partner started calling my dad every day for the two months since he died, always crying down the phone in such a haunting and guttural way that's been so fucking traumatising in and of itself. I wanted to help her but I'd never met her, because even though my cousin was like a brother to me, I had gotten sober from my addiction in 2021 and he was still in active addiction, so I couldn't be around him because I was trying to stay sober and they got together around that time. I feel a lot of guilt over that, too, that I didn't spend enough time with him. But I found out that she CTB, too, last week. I feel so many conflicting feelings. I wish I could have helped either of them... I'm angry at my cousin for the hurt I'm feeling and for leaving his kids, my dad and his dad.

There's a massive part of me that's jealous of him, though. I remember the first thought that went through my head when my mum told me that he'd CTB was "that should've been me", is that fucked up? In a selfish way, I mean... My cousin used to say that he didn't think people liked him very much, he thought people found him annoying and that he was stupid but that was so far from the truth. We all loved him so much, so many people loved him so much! When it was announced online by his oldest daughter that he'd passed away, there was such a massive outpouring of love for him and I remember feeling my heart shatter in about twelve different ways. Because it broke my heart that he couldn't see what everyone else could see in him, that I should have been the one to CTB insted because nobody would really care if I didn't exist. He had three kids and his dad just lost his wife, he shouldn't have had to lose his son, too... I hate that the part of me that's jealous of him for being able to CTB is also jealous of the fact that he had that outpouring of love/people missing him and I wouldn't. I know that it's stupid and doesn't make sense because I won't CTB now because I know that my dad wouldn't be able to cope (he might've been able to if I had gotten to CTB first) and I don't want to hurt him, but I also want so badly to mean something to people. I know that if I mean something to people, then that automatically means people would get hurt whenever I decide to CTB... I guess it's just human nature to not want to be alone.

But yeah, my questions above - how did you feel? Were you angry even though you also want to CTB? Did you have any of the weird, ugly feelings that I had? I think it'd be a relief to know I'm not the only one who feels these complicated feelings about something like this. Ultimately I accept that my cousin made his choice, no matter what I feel about it, though, so at least I'm aware enough to not be a hypocrite and condemn him for it.

EDIT: Oh man, I just found an old Twitter he made when the site was first created and never ended up using and the only tweet that was ACTUALLY him and not some weird Twitter bot thing was saying "Looking for friends" and something in me just broke. I miss him so fucking much. I'm trying not to be hypocritical and I meant it when I said I don't condemn him but it hurts so bad.

 

[Ongoing_trainwreck]

No. Within my family there never was suicides Within the last 100 years or so... imma break that tradition, further disappointing everyone.

 

[sadscotsman]

No. Within my family there never was suicides Within the last 100 years or so... imma break that tradition, further disappointing everyone.

For legal reasons, this is a joke: You're actually just starting a tradition.

 

[Ongoing_trainwreck]

For legal reasons, this is a joke: You're actually just starting a tradition.

Hmmm. Hope my younger sister isn't attending this... but if, she's ending the bloodline.

I liked that joke tbh.
And yeah thanks for flagging it as a joke, in 8 days i get to know if im also Autistic. (I have difficulties understanding irony, or jokes that come from nowhere)

 

[airconditioner]

I had a great uncle with a history of mental illness, including electroshock therapy who eventually took his life. I didn't know him personally but in learning about his history, I felt validated more than anything. Validated that anyone else related to me struggled with these issues (I hadn't met anyone who struggled even with depression prior to this) or had a long history of failed psychiatric treatments. Institutionalized failings, even better. I selfishly reflected his decision only towards my thoughts or concerns, but it helped me feel less confused about my own experiences maybe. Depression and risk of suicide is often discussed and treated as an inherited medical condition (part of the issue, and denial in fixing a fundamentally sick society). But looking for medical validity, if didn't inherit it from my parents, maybe I inherited it from him. I had been long dismissed by psychiatrists as not being serious or having much truth attached to my considerations (likely I just fought with my parents and had acted out for attention). It felt like his case provided some sort of truth, even if I don't believe it's a greater medical issue than societal one.

I don't know how I would feel in a case where it was unanticipated and a family member. I tend to strongly empathize with anyone who questions the meaning of their life and whether it's worthwhile, at least at a distance or in better moments. I try to be open about my own intentions, though I have family members who wouldn't understand suicide as anything other than a selfish act of aggression intended to harm others. By my own understanding, I tend not to include acts of revenge, jealousy or something intentionally meant to harm other people. I consider this question more in line with someone that someone acts in fear or desperation of avoiding an even greater harm, or has been subject to something unbearable for a long period of time. I think in those cases I would feel more understanding than not.

My closest experience would be acts that people are pushed into (not really suicide, though it's commonly passed as such). In my adult life I've dealt with that through rage and tears, more rage and more tears. Worse people are still around and websites like this offer more understanding than they'd ever be capable of. I want better people to be around instead of them. But better people seem more likely to end their lives than endlessly suppress others. I don't blame them at all and understand the fear very well, and know that the decision was made outside of their own actions or will.

 

[sadscotsman]

Hmmm. Hope my younger sister isn't attending this... but if, she's ending the bloodline.

I liked that joke tbh.
And yeah thanks for flagging it as a joke, in 8 days i get to know if im also Autistic. (I have difficulties understanding irony, or jokes that come from nowhere)

My older half-sister carried on part of my the bloodline I share with her, so it's fine on my end, haha.

Funnily enough, the reason I pointed out it's a joke is because I'm autistic and terribly afraid of miscommunication, so I tend to clarify myself in situations just to be plenty cautious that it doesn't come across in an unintended way.

 

[airconditioner]

Also, sorry also to focus more on myself in the original response! I took the question ahead of the story, but the story itself seems more important here. I think your feelings are completely valid. There are a lot of competing feelings in dealing with loss. I could definitely imagine less severe situations angering me in their outcry when you've survived similar or worse. Especially without witnessing the same amount of reflected concern. I think many people feel this way, not just in suicide. Take eating disorders for example. People still struggling with those issues might resent recovery in others or feel competitive over who really qualifies or identifies with its struggle. For a long time there was a kind of attitude that maybe only anorexia was serious enough to be a proper eating disorder, and all others trivial in comparison. Imagine being in a hospital bed, tube-fed and having someone equate their own food related insecurities to your experience, and how easy it would be to see it as stripping away the dignity from your own issues or struggles rather than reflecting their own. I would also add that those thoughts might not even be intentional but just happenstance when you've struggled with something this serious for so long.

I don't know in your particular case, as they did seem to be long-term concerns that he struggled with. Sometimes people decide that the act itself will still cause less harm than their continued presence in the world. It takes much more than selfishness and cowardice to knowingly leave people you love behind. People can also end their life after addiction or other traumas subside and they realize there's more than an identified substance standing in their way. It might have taken all their energy to conquer those particular demons only to see an endless road still ahead of them. I don't know what actually happened here, so I am not trying to explain but to consider other possible scenarios. With that said, I wouldn't say your feelings are wrong. I think it's completely normal for you to feel this way. It might help to see your ability to survive, despite your own interests or wish that your suffering would end, as being an unrelated in its reflection of other people. But that having survived this long, it is a normal feeling and one that you'll hopefully be able to process and get through without too much added struggle. It's also possible to understand something intellectually but have an emotional response that pulls you in every direction, which again is an extension or your own trauma and not caring or concern towards other people. I think you care about his suffering, but needing your own to reduce without much help is a confusing feeling to deal with.

 

[Ongoing_trainwreck]

My older half-sister carried on part of my the bloodline I share with her, so it's fine on my end, haha.

Funnily enough, the reason I pointed out it's a joke is because I'm autistic and terribly afraid of miscommunication, so I tend to clarify myself in situations just to be plenty cautious that it doesn't come across in an unintended way.

I ALWAYS clarify my statements to the point of speaking in (this) verbally. Misunderstandings have costed me more than acceptable.
Kinda weird that we have to communicate so much more laborious.

 

[suicidalloser]

my cousin died by suicide through an aircraft engine.
i envy them so much, I want to die so much, i want to be relieved from this hellish existence.

 

[sadscotsman]

my cousin died by suicide through an aircraft engine.
i envy them so much, I want to die so much, i want to be relieved from this hellish existence.

Oh my God. I understand the envy but as far as methods go, that's... I'm not shaming anybody's choice of method, of course, it's just the amount of balls something like that has got to take.

 

[suicidalloser]

Oh my God. I understand the envy but as far as methods go, that's... I'm not shaming anybody's choice of method, of course, it's just the amount of balls something like that has got to take.

it's what i deserve, not him, he deserved peace and tranquility in his choices, not me. I am not. everything ive experience, all the people i've hurt by my presence, my burdening stressing them out, its unforgivable, when its all that ever happens. even if there's that downtime, it always comes back, me burdening, annoying others

 

[Centende]

Yeah my big brother recently jumped off a big ol building in seattle washington and wrote on his tv things dont matter people do and we had to go clean out his apartment and now we have his forks and stuff, fucking weird having dead guys stuff and I was totally gunna jump from somewhere tall but now I would be a copy cat darn

 

[Techef]

I have a relative who CTB'd through CO poisoning using a very old school method decades ago (taking another relative with them). I have another relative who just disappeared off the face of the planet - probably CTB'd, but there's no proof.

 

[sadscotsman]

Yeah my big brother recently jumped off a big ol building in seattle washington and wrote on his tv things dont matter people do and we had to go clean out his apartment and now we have his forks and stuff, fucking weird having dead guys stuff and I was totally gunna jump from somewhere tall but now I would be a copy cat darn

Maybe it's shitty of me to feel relieved that I'm not the only one who also feels a sense of "ugh, now if I were to do it, it would make me look like I'm copying", because the method we think my cousin used was the method I've attempted before and what I was planning on eventually going with. I'd definitely feel weird eating with a deceased family member's cutlery to begin with, so especially after he left the note of "things don't matter, people do" and it just proves the point. The forks never mattered, it was him. He mattered.