sadscotsman
Member
- Jul 2, 2023
- 17
My cousin (through my dad's brother) had a history of bizarre "attempts" at CTB while he was in active addiction, but none of us ever expected him to actually do it... Until his mum, my aunt (married to my uncle), became ill and eventually passed away in March of this year. He seemed to be handling it better than any of us expected, he'd gotten sober for about a month and seemed to be thinking positively about the future and then... in April, he CTB. We still don't know for sure because his partner cleaned up the scene and the samples they took during his post-mortem haven't been tested yet. He was like a big brother to me and like a second son to my father, so both of us are devastated even if we both understand his feelings. My dad had never been suicidal until our dog got put to sleep on Christmas Day of 2020 and this dog was his life, but she was also young and had a brain tumour, so it was all unfair and he admitted to me that he felt suicidal when she died. He actually had two heart attacks he was that distraught. I'm having a hard time with it because there's a part of me that's angry at my cousin for doing it, because he has three kids and his dad lost his wife and only child within a month of each other and my dad relapsed with his drinking, which with his bad health pushes him closer to dying of multiple organ failure (heart, liver and kidneys). After that, my cousin's partner started calling my dad every day for the two months since he died, always crying down the phone in such a haunting and guttural way that's been so fucking traumatising in and of itself. I wanted to help her but I'd never met her, because even though my cousin was like a brother to me, I had gotten sober from my addiction in 2021 and he was still in active addiction, so I couldn't be around him because I was trying to stay sober and they got together around that time. I feel a lot of guilt over that, too, that I didn't spend enough time with him. But I found out that she CTB, too, last week. I feel so many conflicting feelings. I wish I could have helped either of them... I'm angry at my cousin for the hurt I'm feeling and for leaving his kids, my dad and his dad.
There's a massive part of me that's jealous of him, though. I remember the first thought that went through my head when my mum told me that he'd CTB was "that should've been me", is that fucked up? In a selfish way, I mean... My cousin used to say that he didn't think people liked him very much, he thought people found him annoying and that he was stupid but that was so far from the truth. We all loved him so much, so many people loved him so much! When it was announced online by his oldest daughter that he'd passed away, there was such a massive outpouring of love for him and I remember feeling my heart shatter in about twelve different ways. Because it broke my heart that he couldn't see what everyone else could see in him, that I should have been the one to CTB insted because nobody would really care if I didn't exist. He had three kids and his dad just lost his wife, he shouldn't have had to lose his son, too... I hate that the part of me that's jealous of him for being able to CTB is also jealous of the fact that he had that outpouring of love/people missing him and I wouldn't. I know that it's stupid and doesn't make sense because I won't CTB now because I know that my dad wouldn't be able to cope (he might've been able to if I had gotten to CTB first) and I don't want to hurt him, but I also want so badly to mean something to people. I know that if I mean something to people, then that automatically means people would get hurt whenever I decide to CTB... I guess it's just human nature to not want to be alone.
But yeah, my questions above - how did you feel? Were you angry even though you also want to CTB? Did you have any of the weird, ugly feelings that I had? I think it'd be a relief to know I'm not the only one who feels these complicated feelings about something like this. Ultimately I accept that my cousin made his choice, no matter what I feel about it, though, so at least I'm aware enough to not be a hypocrite and condemn him for it.
EDIT: Oh man, I just found an old Twitter he made when the site was first created and never ended up using and the only tweet that was ACTUALLY him and not some weird Twitter bot thing was saying "Looking for friends" and something in me just broke. I miss him so fucking much. I'm trying not to be hypocritical and I meant it when I said I don't condemn him but it hurts so bad.
There's a massive part of me that's jealous of him, though. I remember the first thought that went through my head when my mum told me that he'd CTB was "that should've been me", is that fucked up? In a selfish way, I mean... My cousin used to say that he didn't think people liked him very much, he thought people found him annoying and that he was stupid but that was so far from the truth. We all loved him so much, so many people loved him so much! When it was announced online by his oldest daughter that he'd passed away, there was such a massive outpouring of love for him and I remember feeling my heart shatter in about twelve different ways. Because it broke my heart that he couldn't see what everyone else could see in him, that I should have been the one to CTB insted because nobody would really care if I didn't exist. He had three kids and his dad just lost his wife, he shouldn't have had to lose his son, too... I hate that the part of me that's jealous of him for being able to CTB is also jealous of the fact that he had that outpouring of love/people missing him and I wouldn't. I know that it's stupid and doesn't make sense because I won't CTB now because I know that my dad wouldn't be able to cope (he might've been able to if I had gotten to CTB first) and I don't want to hurt him, but I also want so badly to mean something to people. I know that if I mean something to people, then that automatically means people would get hurt whenever I decide to CTB... I guess it's just human nature to not want to be alone.
But yeah, my questions above - how did you feel? Were you angry even though you also want to CTB? Did you have any of the weird, ugly feelings that I had? I think it'd be a relief to know I'm not the only one who feels these complicated feelings about something like this. Ultimately I accept that my cousin made his choice, no matter what I feel about it, though, so at least I'm aware enough to not be a hypocrite and condemn him for it.
EDIT: Oh man, I just found an old Twitter he made when the site was first created and never ended up using and the only tweet that was ACTUALLY him and not some weird Twitter bot thing was saying "Looking for friends" and something in me just broke. I miss him so fucking much. I'm trying not to be hypocritical and I meant it when I said I don't condemn him but it hurts so bad.
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