Have you grieved yourself and your life?

[zizzou]

In my mind I am so sure I am going to end it by the end of the year. I started mourning myself as well. What could've and should've been. Who I might be if I made a different choice or better choices than this one. In a way its like accepting and going through a terminal illness because this is one. So I guess there are a lot of resources there. How did you do it?

 

[progressingdeath]

I feel like I did when I was actually willing to go through with it and it did help me actually make the step to end my life. Too bad it failed. Would of been perfect if it worked

I more did acceptance than mourning. It did fill me with great sadness though because I didn't do the things I wanted to do but I realized I wasn't willing to do them in the first place so it was natural to just not be around if I dread it so much. I love life but my cards just arent fit for it

 

[VoidBlessed]

I'm in the process of it right now. I wrote down each of my dreams on an index card, and as I wrote it was so painfully obvious that none of them would ever come true. Now I'm going to find a park where I can burn them. I think it will be cathartic.

 

[Vlad Tepes]

Constantly. It hurts me so much to know that there is so much that I have never achieved and never will be able to achieve, and its all because of the circumstances of my birth; the poverty I grew up in, my severe autism and ADHD, my unfathomably mentally ill parents, the severe trauma I have as a result of constant bullying, etc. Graduating HS? Never happened, I dropped out. Friends? Never had any. Parties? Never went. Vacations? None.

I'd be able to come to terms with it if I was one of those people who thinks life simpliciter is bad, but I'm not. On the contrary, what hurts me is precisely seeing how much I am missing out on, how much better everybody else has it, how miserable my own life is in comparison; I live in the greatest time to be alive. There have been times where Ive been convinced that I must have been some kind of mass murdering maniac in a past life to deserve a fate this bad. The only thing I want is to be reincarnated as who I've always wanted to be. I guess the only positive thing I can say is that I spend very little time regretting any of my decisions, as I was born in a proverbial coffin. My best decisions did not do much to make my life any better, and my worst decisions didn't make it a whole lot worse than it already was.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I don't grief myself rather I grief the life I could have had if I didn't fail big in life.

 

[zizzou]

Constantly. It hurts me so much to know that there is so much that I have never achieved and never will be able to achieve, and its all because of the circumstances of my birth; the poverty I grew up in, my severe autism and ADHD, my unfathomably mentally ill parents, the severe trauma I have as a result of constant bullying, etc. Graduating HS? Never happened, I dropped out. Friends? Never had any. Parties? Never went. Vacations? None.

I'd be able to come to terms with it if I was one of those people who thinks life simpliciter is bad, but I'm not. On the contrary, what hurts me is precisely seeing how much I am missing out on, how much better everybody else has it, how miserable my own life is in comparison; I live in the greatest time to be alive. There have been times where Ive been convinced that I must have been some kind of mass murdering maniac in a past life to deserve a fate this bad. The only thing I want is to be reincarnated as who I've always wanted to be. I guess the only positive thing I can say is that I spend very little time regretting any of my decisions, as I was born in a proverbial coffin. My best decisions did not do much to make my life any better, and my worst decisions didn't make it a whole lot worse than it already was.

I wonder if its better to have nothing than having everything and losing it all. And I guess its better to have loved and lost but my god everything I loved ends up in ash. You try so hard for so long only for the rug to be pulled when things are finally working out. 10 years ago I tried to jump but my friends stopped me. I wish they didnt

 

[Xiaojiu]

Yes, chronic illnesses and chronic pain 24/7 took everything from me. My job, my passions and hobbies, friendships, my independence, etc.

I grieve my old self and previous life every single day. I also grieve the life I wanted to have and thought I would have. I didn't think I would be where I'm at now.

 

[Hystearical]

Always in perpetual grief.

 

[Forever Sleep]

More in the way of feeling sorry for myself. Wondering how life would have turned out if my Mum hadn't died in childhood or, if I hadn't grown up with a (suspected) narcissist.

It's not that I think I always did the right things- that I'm blameless. I do have regrets. But, nothing exactly life changing. I'm not actually unhappy with the decisions I made in life. Just more the circumstances I found myself in. That's not to say I'd want to try again though- with better circumstances.

I don't exactly mourn for what/ who I could have been either. I mostly did my best with what I had. I even achieved (to some extent) some of the things I thought would make me happy but, they haven't.

I have a suspicion that that would continue to happen with other things too. So- it both seems pointless to try for them and, less sincere to mourn them.

I think I've come to the equally pessimistic conclusion that possibly nothing would be enough! I suppose I'd have to be so different than I am to feel another way and- would I want to be that other person even? Maybe not.

 

[fkyou]

Every moment

 

[FuneralCry]

No, I never wished for this torturous, futile existence in the first place, I see existence as a mistake and it's one that just causes harm and suffering with no limit as to how much one can be tortured and I wish I never suffered more than anything, I always see it as a burden to exist, I find it deeply undesirable to exist in every way and simply just existing is enough to make me wish for death, for me non-existence truly is all that's positive, all I want is to never suffer ever again.

 

[itsgone2]

I suppose I need to. Maybe it will help bridge to a successful attempt.

 

[happy2die]

All the time. Who I could have been had I never developed bulimia, got diagnosed with adhd earlier, never started cutting myself I would have been able to actually reach my goals. I was so smart. Im just useless now

 

[Irisse]

Not anymore but I think it's because I already went through that grief while I was in psychosis. I constantly wondered how my life would have turned out had I stayed friends with certain people. What changed for me is that I've realized that I had romanticised those people to unhealthy degree, and that they really weren't as good as I remember. So now I feel like I don't need that closure anymore, and I'm at peace with my decision.

 

[FadingSnowFake]

Still in process of finding peace, sometimes still in denial of reality and not accepting the wrongness of it all as opposed to what could've been and where I went wrong. It becomes harder to hold onto any hope in a future with only emptiness inside as darkness around gets even darker.

 

[failedmind]

Yes and it makes me really sad. I wish I could've enjoyed life. My trauma started as a child so I don't even know how I could've been without trauma and mental health issues but I always think about it. What I could've been, done, or had. I'll never know. I grieve all of it

 

[kmao2004]

I dont value my life at all so no. It's not because it's so bad or I'm bad, but I'm mentally I'll enough that I dont think life is that valuable. Sure, I would be sad if someone close to be died but I don't think the dead are missing out on anything by dying because their life is over. There is no version of heaven or hell where the dead craves life.

 

[Macedonian1987]

I grieved myself for many years, now I'm past that. I'm now at a phase in my life in which I'm finally ready to ctb. I still drag this life out because my parents are alive, but I will not endure dragging it out for more than 1-2 years.

 

[TwistedNightmares]

No, I never have. Trauma and daily mental torture has made me hate my life.

 

[kajal]

I suppose I need to. Maybe it will help bridge to a successful attempt.