Have you ever wanted to die because of the invalidation of not being in crisis?

[Niyxx]

Hi. I had a plan last week, I was meant to be dead 3 days ago. I was so sure, more than the other times. I gave up on fighting, it was going to happen. Then I got desperate and got hospitalised before the date, and my access to chemicals that I was initially going to use were restricted. I could of used other methods, but I didn't because it was before the date I told people I would die. I woke up the other day, and I felt okayish. I was still hurting, but my world didn't feel like it was falling apart. Living an hour into the future didn't make me want to vomit. I just felt numb ig. I feel so stupid, like I was just faking for attention. I feel not actually suicidal, and that I'll never have poor enough health to deserve help. What do you guys think? Maybe I am just stupid.

 

[scottyy]

I feel this too but maybe on a smaller scale.
If I'm really down one day, I feel guilty the next if I don't still feel that way.
I feel it's humiliating/embarrassing.
I don't think I deserve to feel better.
And if I'm so adamant about ctbing then I feel like an idiot if I don't do it or if I begin to feel better.

 

[aeri]

you're being so harsh with yourself, using words like faking for attention, stupid etc.... it's sad to read but i obviously understand how you feel
your suicidal crisis just calmed down, it doesn't mean that your pain wasn't true, it's just not at its climax atm
you are deserving of help, even if rn you feel more calm

 

[Niyxx]

you're being so harsh with yourself, using words like faking for attention, stupid etc.... it's sad to read but i obviously understand how you feel
your suicidal crisis just calmed down, it doesn't mean that your pain wasn't true, it's just not at its climax atm
you are deserving of help, even if rn you feel more calm

Aw yeah, that's nice of you :(

 

[aeri]

Aw yeah, that's nice of you :(

no probs it's only the truth

your pain was and is real and if you feel like you need help i gladly tell you that you deserve to have and seek it

i hope you're doing ok and if you ever need to vent more on the forum dont hesitate. i hate this word but i'll still use it, everything you feel is valid

 

[Niyxx]

no probs it's only the truth

your pain was and is real and if you feel like you need help i gladly tell you that you deserve to have and seek it

i hope you're doing ok and if you ever need to vent more on the forum dont hesitate. i hate this word but i'll still use it, everything you feel is valid

<333
Aw I wish I could feel like that. It feel impossible to think any differently. The mental health system also failed me, I wish they would stop failing other people. They don't believe me, I gave up on trying to get help, it only ends badly. I've come to realise that I just have to have more serious attempts to be treated seriously. It makes me feel like everyone really knows the truth that I don't, and I'll never be serious enough.

I hope you're doing ok too!!! Aw thank you, that's fucking beautiful :(((

 

[aeri]

i understand. therapy and everything is freaking difficult, sometimes we need to switch professionals, sometimes we cant for reasons, sometimes we're just desperate and end up thinking we're the problem when we just haven't found the right pro yet. but the journey is way too difficult and at the end it loses its meaning, at least that's how i feel
i feel you for the suicide attempts to be recognized. i understand the pain you're feeling :( it's hard

for you

 

[Niyxx]

i understand. therapy and everything is freaking difficult, sometimes we need to switch professionals, sometimes we cant for reasons, sometimes we're just desperate and end up thinking we're the problem when we just haven't found the right pro yet. but the journey is way too difficult and at the end it loses its meaning, at least that's how i feel
i feel you for the suicide attempts to be recognized. i understand the pain you're feeling :( it's hard

for you

Aw yeah, I'm sorry it's become too difficult for you as well :(

 

[aeri]

Aw yeah, I'm sorry it's become too difficult for you as well :(

we're together in this mess!!

 

[Niyxx]

we're together in this mess!!

Yeah we are!!!

 

[cupcakesandmilk]

I get you. I've been in many phases over the past few months where I was like, "Yeah, I'm ready to go now," but obviously none of that panned out. Just the other week, I thought I was fully ready for cutting, so yeah, I completely get what you mean. Every single day, my brain just constantly keeps telling me that I'm doing all of this just for attention; I have no clue what to believe anymore; maybe I'm just an attention seeker at the end of the day...

Take care, OP <3; try not to be too hard on yourself; this shit ain't easy.

 

[Niyxx]

I get you. I've been in many phases over the past few months where I was like, "Yeah, I'm ready to go now," but obviously none of that panned out. Just the other week, I thought I was fully ready for cutting, so yeah, I completely get what you mean. Every single day, my brain just constantly keeps telling me that I'm doing all of this just for attention; I have no clue what to believe anymore; maybe I'm just an attention seeker at the end of the day...

Take care, OP <3; try not to be too hard on yourself; this shit ain't easy.

Yeah that's so fucking difficult :((
You aren't doing it for attention, it is still suffering if you don't attempt or if you do and survive. You are so strong and your pain is real even if you struggle to see it sometimes, I promise.

Chronic suicidality is so exhausting, I'm tired of waiting and of being alive.

Aw you take care of yourself as well, together <3333333

I feel this too but maybe on a smaller scale.
If I'm really down one day, I feel guilty the next if I don't still feel that way.
I feel it's humiliating/embarrassing.
I don't think I deserve to feel better.
And if I'm so adamant about ctbing then I feel like an idiot if I don't do it or if I begin to feel better.

Aw yeah, I understand that, your view of yourself is sad :(((
You should know that it's kinda impossible to always be dying, and you don't need to be unreastically ill to matter. I've heard someone relate it to fight/flight, with going from extreme emotion to dissociation or feeling better I guess. It normal and doesn't make you any less worthy.
I promise it's not humiliating/embarrassing and you do deserve to feel better, you deserve it so much because living is hell.
Hugs <333333