Have you ever lost a friend due to telling them the truth about your fucked up situation?

[Weebster]

I think I did. It sucks. She was great too.

 

[BrokenBliss]

A few, actually.

 

[Mixo]

Yes, this happened to me a couple years ago. It's a shame because she was a very kind and understanding person too and made me laugh when I was super low. It really made me think twice about disclosing anything personal, particularly to people online. As I always say, drama repels people.

 

[BrokenBliss]

As I always say, drama repels people.

What I've found is other people's drama repels them. It's like they don't want to upset the (illusory) balance of their own little world, like its contagious. I've seen genuine fear in their eyes just considering my circumstances.

 

[Oblivion Access]

Plenty have cut me off due to being too negative. I don't blame them, when you're struggling yourself, someone that always brings the mood down becomes a liability or even a danger. Not wanting to exist no matter what happens and being vocal about it makes you pretty unpopular. It's for the better, they're spared the grief of my passing and can invest energy into people who can return the favor.

 

[Tortured_empath]

I've never told anyone the full story. I think they'd persume I'm psychotic. I tell them the story which is almost the truth. But the sympathy I get I don't deserve. I've told one fo my friends I've tried to take my own life. Because I think he understands. He has had suicidal thoughts too.

 

[Lost Magic]

I think a lot of people don't like to talk to others about suicide because it is treated as one of the ultimate taboos in our society. I have told people about how I feel, even so called, 'professionals'. Now, that I have this community of like minded souls, I feel that it is best to just not talk to anybody else about it from now on. I have a good method of catching the bus, so I have no reason to tell people who are ignorant to my situation and feelings. So I do this until this

 

[BrokenBliss]

I think a lot of people don't like to talk to others about suicide because it is treated as one of the ultimate taboos in our society. I have told people about how I feel, even so called, 'professionals'. Now, that I have this community of like minded souls, I feel that it is best to just not talk to anybody else about it from now on. I have a good method of catching the bus, so I have no reason to tell people who are ignorant to my situation and feelings. So I do this until this

I'm not saying a word to anybody about any of this. Partly out of pride, partly because you risk the psych unit, partly because they wouldn't understand. I have made the mistake -- numerous times -- of trusting people with the reasons behind my plan, without telling them that there is a plan. They can't hack it and pull back. Rejection is a horrible response to a friend's pain.

 

[Lost Magic]

I'm not saying a word to anybody about any of this. Partly out of pride, partly because you risk the psych unit, partly because they wouldn't understand. I have made the mistake -- numerous times -- of trusting people with the reasons behind my plan, without telling them that there is a plan. They can't hack it and pull back. Rejection is a horrible response to a friend's pain.

I don't blame you. I can't risk psych wards either. There is nothing those places could offer me besides more pain and torment. That's why we are all so blessed to have this community of like minded souls. This place is a haven from the outside hell that society has thrust upon us.

 

[BrokenBliss]

The anonymity makes this place possible. Altho it carries some risks, it provides relief, even salvation, to a lot of us.

 

[Sunset Limited]

I am 45 years old. No more friends. I'm good.

 

[Weebster]

I am 45 years old. No more friends. I'm good.

Is that typical of most people your age? Don't you get lonely? How do you deal with it?

 

[Insomniac]

then she wasn't a friend

 

[Weebster]

then she wasn't a friend

That goes so well with the gif avatar.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

From my experience, people walk away when the fun ends. They don't want to be exposed to prolonged negativity, it repels them. Even when there is absolutely nothing you can do to improve your situation, when salvation is completely out of your grasp.. you will still incur some sort of blame and be lambasted for assumed moral failure.

Because my illness is permenant, I've been forced to disclose it to everyone I know, which makes people see you in an entirely different light. At least I haven't been directly blamed for being ill in my current circle, but my friends regularly say I need to try harder to find employment and seek independence and how it is definitely possible.

Many others have simply chosen to walk away. I lost pretty much every friend I had in high school for being open about such a bad way I was in and how I was too fatigued to come to school, was accused of being a faker, mistreated, and abandoned by people who I had sat by nearly every day for two years, as well as my teachers.

It hurts people to see grim realities. A family member of mine had to endure years of complete isolation because she was terminally ill, and none of the thoughts and prayers were changing that. Childhood friends, old lovers, uni mates, they all fled until the day she died, too afraid to see what had become of her.

 

[Weebster]

From my experience, people walk away when the fun ends. They don't want to be exposed to prolonged negativity, it repels them. Even when there is absolutely nothing you can do to improve your situation, when salvation is completely out of your grasp.. you will still incur some sort of blame and be lambasted for assumed moral failure.

Because my illness is permenant, I've been forced to disclose it to everyone I know, which makes people see you in an entirely different light. At least I haven't been directly blamed for being ill in my current circle, but my friends regularly say I need to try harder to find employment and seek independence and how it is definitely possible.

Many others have simply chosen to walk away. I lost pretty much every friend I had in high school for being open about such a bad way I was in and how I was too fatigued to come to school, was accused of being a faker, mistreated, and abandoned by people who I had sat by nearly every day for two years, as well as my teachers.

It hurts people to see grim realities. A family member of mine had to endure years of complete isolation because she was terminally ill, and none of the thoughts and prayers were changing that. Childhood friends, old lovers, uni mates, they all fled until the day she died, too afraid to see what had become of her.

Wow. That sums it up. The moral failure part goes along well with the Just world fallacy. If there's any truth to religion then "broad is the way that leads to Hell" seems incredibly accurate. Those on the narrow path have mostly eluded me but those who know such people are fortunate.

 

[whatevs]

Wow. That sums it up. The moral failure part goes along well with the Just world fallacy. If there's any truth to religion then "broad is the way that leads to Hell" seems incredibly accurate. Those on the narrow path have mostly eluded me but those who know such people are fortunate.

The Bible has some great quotes in it, though most of it is agonizingly boring and stupid or about pillaging and murdering non-Jews.

There's definitely some truth in all religions.

 

[BrokenBliss]

From my experience, people walk away when the fun ends. They don't want to be exposed to prolonged negativity, it repels them. Even when there is absolutely nothing you can do to improve your situation, when salvation is completely out of your grasp.. you will still incur some sort of blame and be lambasted for assumed moral failure.

Because my illness is permenant, I've been forced to disclose it to everyone I know, which makes people see you in an entirely different light. At least I haven't been directly blamed for being ill in my current circle, but my friends regularly say I need to try harder to find employment and seek independence and how it is definitely possible.

Many others have simply chosen to walk away. I lost pretty much every friend I had in high school for being open about such a bad way I was in and how I was too fatigued to come to school, was accused of being a faker, mistreated, and abandoned by people who I had sat by nearly every day for two years, as well as my teachers.

It hurts people to see grim realities. A family member of mine had to endure years of complete isolation because she was terminally ill, and none of the thoughts and prayers were changing that. Childhood friends, old lovers, uni mates, they all fled until the day she died, too afraid to see what had become of her.

Very well said. I have been experiencing something similar for many years. I am certain it is a (misguided) act of self-protection. It challenges their belief system to see right in front of their eyes that things sometimes don't get better, that we are not always protected or delivered from tragic events in life. When the very presence of you threatens their fragile sense of security down to their core, they have no choice but to cut you out of their storyline. Then they can go on pretending all is well in their little world with its imaginary shield of protection.

 

[Sunset Limited]

Is that typical of most people your age? Don't you get lonely? How do you deal with it?

It's been a long time since I lost my life energy. Friendship is like a tiring activity for me. I don't think anyone would want to be friends with me. Loneliness is good :)

 

[Weebster]

It's been a long time since I lost my life energy. Friendship is like a tiring activity for me. I don't think anyone would want to be friends with me. Loneliness is good :)

Would you say you're very much like Tommy Lee Jones' character in that movie?

 

[Sunset Limited]

Would you say you're very much like Tommy Lee Jones' character in that movie?

Definitely. I've never been happy to exist. When I was younger, I had good friends, had a good time, but it just made me forget that I was unhappy. It was not true happiness. I guess it's about me, not about life. Because I've met people who are truly happy. Of course, that doesn't change the reality of how painful life can be for some. I wanted to commit suicide for the first time at the age of 20. If I had died at 20, I wouldn't have had to suffer for another 25 years. That's why I'm so angry. I get angry when I think about the selfish reasons why normal people try to keep people like me alive. If I'm pessimistic and not happy, let me go. When I was 20 years old, there was no internet and access to information was very difficult for a peaceful CTB. Already my SI is strong. Actually I tried partial hanging 5 years ago but it didn't work. I am quite prepared now. CTB after 5-6 months. The world and my life have always been bad for the last 15 years. This quote speaks to me.



Black: No. You the first one. These junkies and crack-heads is about as far from suicide as you can get. They wouldnt even know what you was talkin about. They wake up in pain ever day. Bad pain. But they aint headed for the depot. Now you can say, well, they got a fix for their pain. Just need to hustle on out there and get it. And that's a good argument. But still we got this question. Just what is this pain that is causin these express riders to belly up at the kiosk with the black crepe. What kind of pain we talkin about? I got to say that if it was grief that brought folks to suicide it'd be a full time job just to get em all in the ground come sundown. So I keep comin back to the same question. If it aint what you lost that is more than you can bear then maybe it's what you wont lose. What you'd rather die than to give up.

White: But if you die you will give it up.

Black: No you wont. You wont be here.

White: Well. I cant help you. Letting it all go is the place I finally got to. It took a lot of work to get there and if there is one thing I would be unwilling to give up it is exactly that.

Black: You got any other way of sayin that?

White: The one thing I wont give up is giving up. I expect that to carry me through. I'm depending on it. The things I believed in were very frail. As I said. They wont be around for long and neither will I. But I dont think that's really the reason for my decision. I think it goes deeper. You can acclimate yourself to loss. You have to. I mean, you like music, right?

Black: Yes I do.

White: Who's the greatest composer you know of?

Black: John Coltrane. Hands down.

White: Do you think his music will last forever?

Black: Well. Forever's a long time, Professor. So I got to say no. It wont.

White: But that doesnt make it worthless, does it?

Black: No it dont.

White You give up the world line by line. Stoically. And then one day you realize that your courage is farcical. It doesnt mean anything. You've become an accomplice in your own annihilation and there is nothing you can do about it. Everything you do closes a door somewhere ahead of you. And finally there is only one door left.

Black: That's a dark world, Professor.

White: Yes.

Black: What's the worst thing ever happen to you?

White: Getting snatched off a subway platform one morning by an emissary of Jesus.

Black: I'm serious.

White: So am I.

Black: Before this mornin. What was the worst thing.

White: I dont know.

Black: Well, let's pretend you dont know then. Still, do you reckon it was about you? Or about somebody close to you?

White: Probably someone close to me.

Black: I think that's probably right. Dont that tell you somethin?

White: Yes. Dont get close to people.

Black: You a hard case, man.

White: How else could I win your love?

Black: You probably right. Let me try this. I dont believe that the world can be better than what you allow it to be. Dark a world as you live in, they aint goin to be a whole lot of surprises in the way of good news.

White: I'm sure that's true.

Black: Well jubilation. Listen at the professor.

White: But I'm at a loss as to how to bring myself to believe in some most excellent world when I already know that it doesnt exist.

Black: Most excellent.

White: Yes.

Black: I sure do like that. Most excellent.

White: Do you actually believe in such a world?

Black: Yes I do, Professor. Yes I do. I think it's there for the askin. You got to get in the right line. Buy the right ticket. Take that regular commuter train and stay off the express. Stay on the platform with your fellow commuter. You might even want to nod at him. Maybe even say hello. All of them is travelers too. And they's some of em been places that most people dont want to go to. They didnt neither. They might even tell you how they got there and maybe save you a trip you'll be thankful you didnt take.

White: Yes. Well, that's not going to happen.

Black: Why not?

White: Because I dont believe in that world. I just want to take the train. Look, why dont I just go?

Black: How about some more coffee?

White: No thank you.

Black: What can I do?

White: Maybe you just need to accept that you're in over your head.

Black: I do accept it. It dont let me off the hook though.

White: You think I dont understand. But I'm not sure you'd want to listen to the things I do understand.

Black: Try me.


White: It would just upset you.

Black: I been upset before.

White: It's worse than you think.

Black: That's all right.

White: You dont want to hear this.

Black: Yes I do. I got no choice.

The professor leans back and studies the black.

White: Okay. Maybe you're right. Well, here's my news, Reverend. I yearn for the darkness. I pray for death. Real death. If I thought that in death I would meet the people I've known in life I dont know what I'd do. That would be the ultimate horror. The ultimate despair. If I had to meet my mother again and start all of that all over, only this time without the prospect of death to look forward to? Well. That would be the final nightmare. Kafka on wheels.

Black: Damn, Professor. You dont want to see you own mama?

White: No. I dont. I told you this would upset you. I want the dead to be dead. Forever. And I want to be one of them. Except that of course you cant be one of them. You cant be one of the dead because what has no existence can have no community. No community. My heart warms just thinking about it. Silence. Blackness. Aloneness. Peace. And all of it only a heartbeat away.

 

[DthrowawayA]

Yes….my boyfriend broke up with me because of this

 

[Tristan]

yes, many that make me wanna cry. Guess they were never mates at all. Better off alone than with the people who leave us because we are different.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

yes, many that make me wanna cry. Guess they were never mates at all. Better off alone than with the people who leave us because we are different.

Indeed! We don't need fake people in our lives.

 

[Tristan]

Indeed! We don't need fake people in our lives.

this nasty world is full of them.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

this nasty world is full of them.

Unfortunately yes. I hate people

 

[Tristan]

Unfortunately yes. I hate people

animals are better in every way

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

animals are better in every way

Totally agree. That why I choose to be my username

 

[Tristan]

Totally agree. That why I choose to be my username

I chose mine because hes a warrior, but im far from it.

 

[Divine Trinity]

Definitely. I've never been happy to exist. When I was younger, I had good friends, had a good time, but it just made me forget that I was unhappy. It was not true happiness. I guess it's about me, not about life. Because I've met people who are truly happy. Of course, that doesn't change the reality of how painful life can be for some. I wanted to commit suicide for the first time at the age of 20. If I had died at 20, I wouldn't have had to suffer for another 25 years. That's why I'm so angry. I get angry when I think about the selfish reasons why normal people try to keep people like me alive. If I'm pessimistic and not happy, let me go. When I was 20 years old, there was no internet and access to information was very difficult for a peaceful CTB. Already my SI is strong. Actually I tried partial hanging 5 years ago but it didn't work. I am quite prepared now. CTB after 5-6 months. The world and my life have always been bad for the last 15 years. This quote speaks to me.



Black: No. You the first one. These junkies and crack-heads is about as far from suicide as you can get. They wouldnt even know what you was talkin about. They wake up in pain ever day. Bad pain. But they aint headed for the depot. Now you can say, well, they got a fix for their pain. Just need to hustle on out there and get it. And that's a good argument. But still we got this question. Just what is this pain that is causin these express riders to belly up at the kiosk with the black crepe. What kind of pain we talkin about? I got to say that if it was grief that brought folks to suicide it'd be a full time job just to get em all in the ground come sundown. So I keep comin back to the same question. If it aint what you lost that is more than you can bear then maybe it's what you wont lose. What you'd rather die than to give up.

White: But if you die you will give it up.

Black: No you wont. You wont be here.

White: Well. I cant help you. Letting it all go is the place I finally got to. It took a lot of work to get there and if there is one thing I would be unwilling to give up it is exactly that.

Black: You got any other way of sayin that?

White: The one thing I wont give up is giving up. I expect that to carry me through. I'm depending on it. The things I believed in were very frail. As I said. They wont be around for long and neither will I. But I dont think that's really the reason for my decision. I think it goes deeper. You can acclimate yourself to loss. You have to. I mean, you like music, right?

Black: Yes I do.

White: Who's the greatest composer you know of?

Black: John Coltrane. Hands down.

White: Do you think his music will last forever?

Black: Well. Forever's a long time, Professor. So I got to say no. It wont.

White: But that doesnt make it worthless, does it?

Black: No it dont.

White You give up the world line by line. Stoically. And then one day you realize that your courage is farcical. It doesnt mean anything. You've become an accomplice in your own annihilation and there is nothing you can do about it. Everything you do closes a door somewhere ahead of you. And finally there is only one door left.

Black: That's a dark world, Professor.

White: Yes.

Black: What's the worst thing ever happen to you?

White: Getting snatched off a subway platform one morning by an emissary of Jesus.

Black: I'm serious.

White: So am I.

Black: Before this mornin. What was the worst thing.

White: I dont know.

Black: Well, let's pretend you dont know then. Still, do you reckon it was about you? Or about somebody close to you?

White: Probably someone close to me.

Black: I think that's probably right. Dont that tell you somethin?

White: Yes. Dont get close to people.

Black: You a hard case, man.

White: How else could I win your love?

Black: You probably right. Let me try this. I dont believe that the world can be better than what you allow it to be. Dark a world as you live in, they aint goin to be a whole lot of surprises in the way of good news.

White: I'm sure that's true.

Black: Well jubilation. Listen at the professor.

White: But I'm at a loss as to how to bring myself to believe in some most excellent world when I already know that it doesnt exist.

Black: Most excellent.

White: Yes.

Black: I sure do like that. Most excellent.

White: Do you actually believe in such a world?

Black: Yes I do, Professor. Yes I do. I think it's there for the askin. You got to get in the right line. Buy the right ticket. Take that regular commuter train and stay off the express. Stay on the platform with your fellow commuter. You might even want to nod at him. Maybe even say hello. All of them is travelers too. And they's some of em been places that most people dont want to go to. They didnt neither. They might even tell you how they got there and maybe save you a trip you'll be thankful you didnt take.

White: Yes. Well, that's not going to happen.

Black: Why not?

White: Because I dont believe in that world. I just want to take the train. Look, why dont I just go?

Black: How about some more coffee?

White: No thank you.

Black: What can I do?

White: Maybe you just need to accept that you're in over your head.

Black: I do accept it. It dont let me off the hook though.

White: You think I dont understand. But I'm not sure you'd want to listen to the things I do understand.

Black: Try me.


White: It would just upset you.

Black: I been upset before.

White: It's worse than you think.

Black: That's all right.

White: You dont want to hear this.

Black: Yes I do. I got no choice.

The professor leans back and studies the black.

White: Okay. Maybe you're right. Well, here's my news, Reverend. I yearn for the darkness. I pray for death. Real death. If I thought that in death I would meet the people I've known in life I dont know what I'd do. That would be the ultimate horror. The ultimate despair. If I had to meet my mother again and start all of that all over, only this time without the prospect of death to look forward to? Well. That would be the final nightmare. Kafka on wheels.

Black: Damn, Professor. You dont want to see you own mama?

White: No. I dont. I told you this would upset you. I want the dead to be dead. Forever. And I want to be one of them. Except that of course you cant be one of them. You cant be one of the dead because what has no existence can have no community. No community. My heart warms just thinking about it. Silence. Blackness. Aloneness. Peace. And all of it only a heartbeat away.

That's pretty good diaologue, if not a bit tedious of a read.

The idea that we suicide to avoid losing something in life resonated, I'd imagine most would find that as a contradiction.