Discussion Have you EVER been this done with life before?

[ChildrensITV]

I have been depressed and anxious most of my life. But when I was younger, I just wanted cause of my issues to go away more than anything. I wanted to go back to the person I was when I was a young child, before it all went to shit. I still hoped for better to come along when my life turned bad. For a transformation to take place. There was a future to hold out for, even if I was naive about things getting better.

But now, over 20 years later, there is no hope. If life were going to get good, it would have by now. I am far to broken even if a miracle -- and it would take one -- were to happen and fix my mental and physical health. Now I know the only way out is death. When I was younger and new to this mental anguish, the thought of death was for a respite. Now it is clear that it is for lasting peace. I've wanted death before but I was never so convinced that the time was right before. It is like every moment of the day, I am aware that I need to die. It is SCREAMING at me from deep within my soul. My heart has already checked out. I am no longer productive at all. I can't get anything done. Hardly. My heart has seen the writing on the wall and is waiting for me to pour that SN and get the fuck out of here.

I've never felt it this bad before. There is no coming back. I wake up and after that split second of not knowing where or who I am, it hits me again and lasts until I fall asleep. It's unbearable. I am on the verge of tears all day. I literally did nothing all day except go to the local shop. I'm so fucking done. It's so over. I can't cope.

 

[Zegers]

I've spent the day in bed scrolling the phone and all i see when i look around is emptiness. Bus is approaching.

 

[unplug]

I know man, I feel the same. I'm beyond done.

 

[leavingsoon99]

I was laying in bed a couple nights ago and my mind finally said it. I don't want to live anymore. So, yeah. I'm very over life.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Actually- no- my life has been MUCH worse than it is now. Ages 10-18 were dreadful- growing up with a (suspected) Narcissist and morning the close family members that had already died. I'm kind of thankful I don't remember those years in detail... Just snippets here and there tend to haunt me. Then, I know I was incredibly unhappy during a decade or so in retail. I suppose now is more of an apathy towards life- plus, a fear of having to get a wage slave job again and regressing back to all that. Life isn't as intensely painful as it used to be. It simply isn't worth it though. I have little desire to make it better. I'm just treading water till my Dad passes. Then, I can really decide on whether I have the guts to CTB.

 

[doublecupj]

I ain't never in my fuckin' life

 

[epic]

What mental and physical issues do you suffer from ?

I literally did nothing all day except go to the local shop.

I didn't even do this . It feels terrible to have no purpose.

 

[Hunter2005]

Same

 

[FuneralCry]

Existing in this world certainly can be torture which is why I envy those who have left existence behind. Only the non existent who are incapable of suffering are truly fortunate, it does sound horrible what you have to endure, there really is too much pain in existing so I hope that you find the peace you search for. To me, peace could never exist in such a cruel world, it only exists in the absence of everything.

 

[neverthefirstoption]

I have been depressed and anxious most of my life. But when I was younger, I just wanted cause of my issues to go away more than anything. I wanted to go back to the person I was when I was a young child, before it all went to shit. I still hoped for better to come along when my life turned bad. For a transformation to take place. There was a future to hold out for, even if I was naive about things getting better.

But now, over 20 years later, there is no hope. If life were going to get good, it would have by now. I am far to broken even if a miracle -- and it would take one -- were to happen and fix my mental and physical health. Now I know the only way out is death. When I was younger and new to this mental anguish, the thought of death was for a respite. Now it is clear that it is for lasting peace. I've wanted death before but I was never so convinced that the time was right before. It is like every moment of the day, I am aware that I need to die. It is SCREAMING at me from deep within my soul. My heart has already checked out. I am no longer productive at all. I can't get anything done. Hardly. My heart has seen the writing on the wall and is waiting for me to pour that SN and get the fuck out of here.

I've never felt it this bad before. There is no coming back. I wake up and after that split second of not knowing where or who I am, it hits me again and lasts until I fall asleep. It's unbearable. I am on the verge of tears all day. I literally did nothing all day except go to the local shop. I'm so fucking done. It's so over. I can't cope.

I completely understand, I live a very similar life style and I've come to terms with the fact that death is the only option very recently. I wish you the best on your path.

 

[Leagueofgentlemen]

No, I may have thought I was in a flippant way when I wasn't at all. When I realised my brain will never be normal again earlier this year, that's when it got serious.