In short, yes, I have been in love and he also loved me very much. Despite parting ways, I think, we both still do and will continue loving each other as two people who shared a lot and also sincerely and genuinely shared hearts and minds which I believe is something quite rare to find in another person. On the other hand, it is always going to make me despair that we were not able to work it out and he didn't want me anymore nor I could go on with him.
I love telling the story of how we met as it is quite "crossing stars" situation. We were in university, it was my first year and his last year. I went down to the uni bar one night, feeling like my usual frustrated and depressed self to have a pint or two. The same day one of best friends talked to me about a guy that was from my country. I saw this guy in the bar and I was like if someone is Turkish that's definitely him and went up to him and his friend. My Turkish friend left and that's when I met my boyfriend. We talked all night went near to the canals smoked some weed and continued chatting until I felt silent and fell asleep on his shoulder. He took me to my apartment and I was quite embarrassed the next day that I literally fell asleep on someone I just met, but for him it was different. He told me later that it was that moment I put my head on his shoulder he fell in love with me. What I found embarrassing he found someone that trusts and surrenders herself to his care and love. After that he found my phone number from someone else and pursued me for weeks until I finally gave in and went on a date with him that lasted three days. We stayed together, slept together, just talked constantly. Neither of us wanted to leave the other as if we found something really special. We didn't even have sex, it always felt like our souls knew each other before and we were meant to be. I never thought I could fall in love or really love someone. However, he was fast to show me that I indeed was. I loved him so very much and it is comforting to know that he loved me back. Yet we loved each other in our unique ways. Sometimes I failed to understand his love and sometimes he did. We dated for three years but we were two different people with drastically different temperaments and personalities. At the end, we were better friends than we were partners. And it is always going to pain me that I lost him. I am not someone that easily gives up on people that she loves, and that proved true in his case as well. I will be forever grateful for how much he cared for me and his tender love. However, I cannot shake the feeling that I finally lost my One and the spark for life with him. I sometimes hate myself for being a depressed and anxious mess that ultimately pushed him way but there is also comfort in the thought that I experienced such a complex love before I leave this shitty world. Now I feel insecure and uncomfortable with being. I don't wish I had him back because in the end, he was unstable and I was unhappy and angry that he wouldn't give me what I needed and he hated how insecure I was and wanted to be alone. Well, that's love for you. It is fleeting, it hurts you. Nevertheless, it is one of the things that is beautiful and worth living even if in its loss, you broke at the seams. I realize now that I loved the feeling of love and the idea of him in an overtly idealized and romanticized way. Yet, I would never trade the feeling and the memories I have of genuine adventure in love for anything as I am coming closer to offing myself. Love is a special feeling but it is one that's hard to catch. And that's both a tragedy and a blessing for us humans.