Have it way better than other people but still want to ctb

[CantDoIt]

Does anyone else feel this way? I have it a lot better than many other people but I still want to ctb.
I think there are people who can just "take" things better than others. I feel guilty but it doesn't change my mind at all.

I am not like someone in an impoverished country and I was never tortured or severely abused but my failures are my own doing and it makes me want to ctb.

 

[Holu]

I'm gonna get a huge amount of flak for this as I have in the past but my understanding of your issue is an example of the extremely paradoxical fact that a good amount of studies have shown wealthier children are more depressed than their lower income peers. One of the possible explanations for this is maslows hierachy, which shows that regardless of status you have needs, and additionally the needs are more psychologically based as opposed to the physiologically based. Kinda the idea that it's harder to be sad when your starving, since your more focused on the starvation than the sadness. Also if you practice SH you might realize this since your less focused on your internal suffering and the more acute physical pain.

Finally for the noncontroversial statement, we are all different and posses different tolerances. How much you can take vs how much another can take. Its okay to be sad if your tolerance isn't as high, no need to feel shame about it.

 

[JFED]

I feel the same way.

 

[CantDoIt]

I'm gonna get a huge amount of flak for this as I have in the past but my understanding of your issue is an example of the extremely paradoxical fact that a good amount of studies have shown wealthier children are more depressed than their lower income peers. One of the possible explanations for this is maslows hierachy, which shows that regardless of status you have needs, and additionally the needs are more psychologically based as opposed to the physiologically based. Kinda the idea that it's harder to be sad when your starving, since your more focused on the starvation than the sadness. Also if you practice SH you might realize this since your less focused on your internal suffering and the more acute physical pain.

Finally for the noncontroversial statement, we are all different and posses different tolerances. How much you can take vs how much another can take. Its okay to be sad if your tolerance isn't as high, no need to feel shame about it.

I'm starting to understand all of those storybooks I used to read as a kid featuring poor or abused kids and why those kids were so heroic. I think I never really made a connection like that before and now I understand why they were featured as they were.

What you're saying makes total sense. I don't fight to survive but my psychological desires have been totally obliterated. I have thought of self harm as a form of punishment for my own failures.

 

[Holu]

I'm starting to understand all of those storybooks I used to read as a kid featuring poor or abused kids and why those kids were so heroic. I think I never really made a connection like that before and now I understand why they were featured as they were.

Ya this connection definitely is valid, but another reason for why those story's feature poor and abused is simply based on the underdog fallacy, which is essentially the tendency to support the underdog regardless of prior affinity to said person. Authors, knowingly or unknowingly will lean into this. Not to mention the population who wants to read rich man hero is far less. Even Batman needs some tragedy for nuance and support, or else the reader struggles to find a connection to the character.

What you're saying makes total sense. I don't fight to survive but my psychological desires have been totally obliterated. I have thought of self harm as a form of punishment for my own failures.

As for this portion, you are 100% correct. I'll go a little further into the theory of maslows hierarchy of needs. Below is a diagram.
Essentially, as the individual moves up the triangle (starting from the base physiological needs) your focuses are on the next layer, continuing to self actualization. Self actualization essentially requires your real self to be your ideal self, and as a result is incredibly difficult, and I'd argue impossible(without completely lowering your standards which I believe we can't truly do). The hierarchy is kinda a tragic demonstration that no matter what we will never be fufulled. Something which supports this is the hedonic treadmill theory, which is the idea that we have a set, stable level of happiness, and no matter what we will return to this state after time. As such, increase of money, romance, etc while it can make slight changes, ultimately whatever initial highs we get from this will return to base. The exception is self actualization, and if you subscribe to these theories, then I'll provide a bit more support, as researchers have actually found an interesting loophole to the hedonic treadmill, plastic surgery. Essentially, studies have found successful plastic surgery genuinely increases long term happiness, and in terms of self actualization, it's because you look more like your ideal self. This same logic applies to working out, getting tattoos, and clothing. We are social creatures, and how others perceive us has value.

Anyways I'll stop rambling lmao. Hope this helps tho.

View attachment IMG_2079.webp

 

[CantDoIt]

Ya this connection definitely is valid, but another reason for why those story's feature poor and abused is simply based on the underdog fallacy, which is essentially the tendency to support the underdog regardless of prior affinity to said person. Authors, knowingly or unknowingly will lean into this. Not to mention the population who wants to read rich man hero is far less. Even Batman needs some tragedy for nuance and support, or else the reader struggles to find a connection to the character.



As for this portion, you are 100% correct. I'll go a little further into the theory of maslows hierarchy of needs. Below is a diagram.
View attachment 149031
Essentially, as the individual moves up the triangle (starting from the base physiological needs) your focuses are on the next layer, continuing to self actualization. Self actualization essentially requires your real self to be your ideal self, and as a result is incredibly difficult, and I'd argue impossible(without completely lowering your standards which I believe we can't truly do). The hierarchy is kinda a tragic demonstration that no matter what we will never be fufulled. Something which supports this is the hedonic treadmill theory, which is the idea that we have a set, stable level of happiness, and no matter what we will return to this state after time. As such, increase of money, romance, etc while it can make slight changes, ultimately whatever initial highs we get from this will return to base. The exception is self actualization, and if you subscribe to these theories, then I'll provide a bit more support, as researchers have actually found an interesting loophole to the hedonic treadmill, plastic surgery. Essentially, studies have found successful plastic surgery genuinely increases long term happiness, and in terms of self actualization, it's because you look more like your ideal self. This same logic applies to working out, getting tattoos, and clothing. We are social creatures, and how others perceive us has value.

Anyways I'll stop rambling lmao. Hope this helps tho.

No worries! Actually one of my main complaints is about my looks. I have body dysmorphic disorder but also, basically, a severe history of abusing myself and my body such that I've had premature ageing since a very early age. Now I feel like I can't go outside, look at people, enjoy my hobbies, etc.

This is the same with everyone who has BDD regardless of what the BDD is about. While medicine and therapy has helped in the past, I don't expect it to help my anymore. Also, while successful plastic surgery would help me, those with BDD are not recommended to get it and in addition to that I don't believe that plastic surgery would be successful with me.

You would think that someone with so many issues with the self would have taken care of my body before it was too late, but of course no, because I had other episodes of severe depression or anxiety in which 'letting myself physically deteriorate' was part of the symptoms.

So now I simply fantasize about what it would be like to be a happy healthy member of society who actually looks their age or younger like most of the population, so I could actually come to that position eventually.

Also, because I'm trans, this was part of the reason that as a kid and teen I abused my body and because I never learned proper emotional regulation before it was too late, I don't have any chance now. So I already had this heightened sense of body image issues due to being trans and just exacerbated it to the extreme. If I had been cis I likely would have taken care of myself and made sure my appearance was to my standards because I would have loved myself a little more.

And now I look like garbage anyway so FML. I know I could have taken care of myself well if I had thought about it for two seconds but of course not.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

There will ALWAYS be someone worse off than someone else. There's no shortage of misery to go around in this world.

 

[CantDoIt]

There will ALWAYS be someone worse off than someone else. There's no shortage of misery to go around in this world.

And everyone has a different breaking point.

 

[Holu]

No worries! Actually one of my main complaints is about my looks. I have body dysmorphic disorder but also, basically, a severe history of abusing myself and my body such that I've had premature ageing since a very early age. Now I feel like I can't go outside, look at people, enjoy my hobbies, etc.

This is the same with everyone who has BDD regardless of what the BDD is about. While medicine and therapy has helped in the past, I don't expect it to help my anymore. Also, while successful plastic surgery would help me, those with BDD are not recommended to get it and in addition to that I don't believe that plastic surgery would be successful with me.

You would think that someone with so many issues with the self would have taken care of my body before it was too late, but of course no, because I had other episodes of severe depression or anxiety in which 'letting myself physically deteriorate' was part of the symptoms.

So now I simply fantasize about what it would be like to be a happy healthy member of society who actually looks their age or younger like most of the population, so I could actually come to that position eventually.

Also, because I'm trans, this was part of the reason that as a kid and teen I abused my body and because I never learned proper emotional regulation before it was too late, I don't have any chance now. So I already had this heightened sense of body image issues due to being trans and just exacerbated it to the extreme. If I had been cis I likely would have taken care of myself and made sure my appearance was to my standards because I would have loved myself a little more.

And now I look like garbage anyway so FML. I know I could have taken care of myself well if I had thought about it for two seconds but of course not.

Ah, bdd and gd. The nightmare combo. I've had a good amount of trans friends, so much so they have almost all jokingly called me an egg(but no I'm cis, never had a trans experience besides love for my blahaj). Two of my closest trans friends(one passed) just have gd, but one had both bdd and gd(also passed) and she would argue a lot with the other two about things like her shoulders and what could have been. Having both is beyond incomprehensible in suffering, and so even if you feel like you have it better, it's probably irrelevant given the constant distress you undergo. I'm beyond sorry, I truly wish we understood more about trans individuals. As a result of my experiences, I'm in the small population of cis people who agrees with pre-puberty HRT, but understand the caution do to lack of knowledge to confirm. Something fascinating is that trans people's brain structures actually resemble their gender identity more than their sex identity. I hope some day we understand to the fullest to allow trans youth to have the best possible experience.

As for the what ifs, my advice is to do what you can to quell those thoughts. To some degree we all wish we did things differently, but at the same time our perspectives and the people we are have been made from our decisions. Call it pride, but I like to think that in a horrible way, it's better I developed stronger self-awareness to realize the inescapable suffering that is sentience. Maybe it's better to die and reach peace sooner, than it is to suffer in potential ignorance. Then again, perhaps it is I who is ignorant. Regardless, I am the person I am.

Anyways hope you're doing okay today, make sure to take care of yourself even if u are hard on yourself. Self peace and kindness are important, especially in a constant veil of suffering.

And everyone has a different breaking point.

Yes our emotional pain thresholds vary greatly. There is no shame in this, in the same way some people can take 20 bullets and some die from 9mm leg shots. Everyone is different and there's only so much you can do to strengthen your base threshold.

 

[CantDoIt]

Ah, bdd and gd. The nightmare combo. I've had a good amount of trans friends, so much so they have almost all jokingly called me an egg(but no I'm cis, never had a trans experience besides love for my blahaj). Two of my closest trans friends(one passed) just have gd, but one had both bdd and gd(also passed) and she would argue a lot with the other two about things like her shoulders and what could have been. Having both is beyond incomprehensible in suffering, and so even if you feel like you have it better, it's probably irrelevant given the constant distress you undergo. I'm beyond sorry, I truly wish we understood more about trans individuals. As a result of my experiences, I'm in the small population of cis people who agrees with pre-puberty HRT, but understand the caution do to lack of knowledge to confirm. Something fascinating is that trans people's brain structures actually resemble their gender identity more than their sex identity. I hope some day we understand to the fullest to allow trans youth to have the best possible experience.

As for the what ifs, my advice is to do what you can to quell those thoughts. To some degree we all wish we did things differently, but at the same time our perspectives and the people we are have been made from our decisions. Call it pride, but I like to think that in a horrible way, it's better I developed stronger self-awareness to realize the inescapable suffering that is sentience. Maybe it's better to die and reach peace sooner, than it is to suffer in potential ignorance. Then again, perhaps it is I who is ignorant. Regardless, I am the person I am.

Anyways hope you're doing okay today, make sure to take care of yourself even if u are hard on yourself. Self peace and kindness are important, especially in a constant veil of suffering.

Yes our emotional pain thresholds vary greatly. There is no shame in this, in the same way some people can take 20 bullets and some die from 9mm leg shots. Everyone is different and there's only so much you can do to strengthen your base threshold.

Thanks a lot for your support. I am so sorry about your friends. It's truly a nightmare combination that I don't wish on my worst enemy. I can't believe I was "lucky" enough to have both. There are so many people I could have been that wasn't a person who felt both of these things.

I also believe in pre-puberty transition, but when I first started getting these feelings I had the sense that my parents would not approve and so I said nothing. I just fantasized a lot and didn't admit it to my therapist either because I was embarrassed.

Years later, they came to accept it, but there was turbulence in between during a period when my Dad most definitely did not accept it. They are kinder about it now but my brain attacks me daily.

The brain thing might also explain why I acted out so much as a child. I was distinctly...angrier, or less satisfied, or something. It was very difficult to make me happy on a long term basis.

While I do realize it's best to let go of past mistakes, it's just so much for me to deal with. My hobbies and everything I enjoy are tainted with my comparisons to others and flashbacks of my precious decisions. And I'm not getting any better looking at this point! It's all downhill from here. I barely even let people take pictures of me when I had a youthful appearance, but at least I wasn't deathly afraid of it already by the age of 22. (I kid you not, that is how badly I failed anti-aging. My parents never experienced anything remotely like this) The transition stuff is just the icing on the cake I guess, I transitioned but I'm ugly. My parents care for me and I hate to make them sad but I literally am repulsed by my appearance and personality to the point where I wish I was stuck with almost anyone else besides myself.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I am trying to do all the basics for myself and it's hard to do that when you feel your future ended when it's just starting for others. It makes me feel like I don't belong here in this society at all.

 

[Holu]

Thanks a lot for your support. I am so sorry about your friends. It's truly a nightmare combination that I don't wish on my worst enemy. I can't believe I was "lucky" enough to have both. There are so many people I could have been that wasn't a person who felt both of these things.

I also believe in pre-puberty transition, but when I first started getting these feelings I had the sense that my parents would not approve and so I said nothing. I just fantasized a lot and didn't admit it to my therapist either because I was embarrassed.

Years later, they came to accept it, but there was turbulence in between during a period when my Dad most definitely did not accept it. They are kinder about it now but my brain attacks me daily.

The brain thing might also explain why I acted out so much as a child. I was distinctly...angrier, or less satisfied, or something. It was very difficult to make me happy on a long term basis.

While I do realize it's best to let go of past mistakes, it's just so much for me to deal with. My hobbies and everything I enjoy are tainted with my comparisons to others and flashbacks of my precious decisions. And I'm not getting any better looking at this point! It's all downhill from here. I barely even let people take pictures of me when I had a youthful appearance, but at least I wasn't deathly afraid of it already by the age of 22. (I kid you not, that is how badly I failed anti-aging. My parents never experienced anything remotely like this) The transition stuff is just the icing on the cake I guess, I transitioned but I'm ugly. My parents care for me and I hate to make them sad but I literally am repulsed by my appearance and personality to the point where I wish I was stuck with almost anyone else besides myself.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I am trying to do all the basics for myself and it's hard to do that when you feel your future ended when it's just starting for others. It makes me feel like I don't belong here in this society at all.

Ya, it's a bad combo, and oddly less common than I'd expect amongst trans people. It's one thing to not belong, it's a whole different story when you don't belong with the people who don't belong.

My friend with both felt the same as you, even though she was more beautiful than I think she thought of herself, it would never be enough. I hope that in the future we can determine things like being trans early as possible, as transitioning pre puberty is night and day.

As for your day to day I understand, and I hear you wholeheartedly about the whole familial experience. Heck, I relate to the therapist thing, I've been in and out of therapy since I was 6 and have essentially lied the whole time. The small exceptions I spoke truthfully always resulted in negative consequences which reinforced my desire to just not speak my actual mind. Even at the start when I did, it felt pointless, and by the time I was an adult in IOP and tried to be 100% truthful I fear I'm far to nihilistic to ever be healed by therapy.

Do what you can to soothe yourself. You're still human, and even if most people dont care about humans most people on this forum do. I hope all goes well, be it continuing or ultimately ctbing. Nothing but love and well wishes.

 

[etherealspring]

yeah im the same