Have completely lost it

[Kuolema]

I hate myself. I found the best girl in the world and I broke up with her because I'm a pussy and an ungrateful cunt. There is no reason for me to be here anymore. I'm a disgrace. My family hates me for good reason. i manipulate people. I'm selfish. I lose my temper easily and say horrible things to the ones I love. God I hope there isnt a fucking God because if there is I'm going to Hell and I deserve it.

 

[jgm63]

But do you not think you can work on yourself and improve yourself ?

 

[Puddings]

Recognizing your short-comings and admitting your mistakes is already a step in the right direction. I sometimes struggle to know the difference between my real faults and flaws and my perceived faults and flaws. So that is one thing to figure out.

But if you are really honest with yourself and you truly believe that you have identified some wrong doings and flaws, you can now start to work on it. And with time your actions will speak louder than words. But you can also try and make amends where you can, and allow people the freedom to choose if they wish to accept your apologies or not. And you can get a lot of help in person, in books and online to help you improve yourself. It takes hard work and its a brave thing, but rather that than just saying you are terrible but not trying to heal. Not only for other people, but most importantly for yourself. That in itself is healing and will build your confidence.

 

[Sweet emotion]

I hate myself. I found the best girl in the world and I broke up with her because I'm a pussy and an ungrateful cunt. There is no reason for me to be here anymore. I'm a disgrace. My family hates me for good reason. i manipulate people. I'm selfish. I lose my temper easily and say horrible things to the ones I love. God I hope there isnt a fucking God because if there is I'm going to Hell and I deserve it.

Why did you break up with her? How long were you dating? This isn't the relationship that I read about two people finding love on this site is it? Why do you manipulate people? I'm just asking these questions because if you know you're doing wrong why are you doing it?

 

[Kuolema]

I dont know wtf I am doing anymore. I am bipolar mess. I sent her a bunch of messages saying "I want to break up" because I am a self-sabotaging idiot and dont deserve fucking anythng. I'm going to lose my house and end up sleeping on streets. I am so fucked up on anti-psychptics i cant think straight. I am regretting ending those messages but maybe it is for the best. I shpuldve killed myself a long time ago.

 

[TiredAndReadyToGo]

We accept the love we think we deserve. The way you speak of yourself in the first post makes me think of that quote, feeling as though you aren't supposed to have anything good or positive. Some people deal/live with bad situations for so long as soon as something positive happens we don't know how to adapt to it. We get so used to and comfortable with the darkness around us that we reject the light because we are so consumed by darkness that we don't want to change or face the potential of being lifted out of it to be dropped back in as that hurts infinitely more.

You can see the negative traits in yourself and that's good because you can work on them as you go but being able to see the good things about yourself when you're in such a mindset is terribly difficult. When you can see those thing's you do right and focus on them, you start to get a little better. It will take time but in that time and recovery you will see that you like most people are deserving of a proper loving relationship with good people.

Alternatively we support you if you choose to CTB, mental health is one of the hardest things to fix and takes immense time and patience, which some people don't have the luxary of having either or both. I hope that you have the opportunity to get the proper help that you need or that if you choose to kick the bucket that you find a place where all those bad feelings are replaced with nothing but peace and love.

 

[Kuolema]

Well didn't end up ending relationship. I'm an idiot and a very lucky one at that.

 

[ImsooDone1N]

No your not an idiot. I just hope you can learn from this and use better judgement in the future. Also what meds have you so messed up? Maybe the doses are too High?? Im really happy for you and your girlfriend. I'm glad you guys have each other.

 

[Kuolema]

Hello all. Just an update. I have mended the damage I have done to a certain extent. I have just been having a rough time lately. Been losing my shit a lot. I am trying to recover and supress these suicidal thoughts but I'm sure you all know easier said than done. This girl I have met... is fucking perfect. I honestly can't believe I made this post. It was incredibly stupid of me but it just wasnt a good day. We have decided to meet up in february for valentines day. I'mma take her to a fancy resteraunt, go to a concert and treat her like a princess (like she deserves). I'm a stronger person now. I will learn from this. Thanks for reading.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

Hello all. Just an update. I have mended the damage I have done to a certain extent. I have just been having a rough time lately. Been losing my shit a lot. I am trying to recover and supress these suicidal thoughts but I'm sure you all know easier said than done. This girl I have met... is fucking perfect. I honestly can't believe I made this post. It was incredibly stupid of me but it just wasnt a good day. We have decided to meet up in february for valentines day. I'mma take her to a fancy resteraunt, go to a concert and treat her like a princess (like she deserves). I'm a stronger person now. I will learn from this. Thanks for reading.

Awesome update OP. I'm definitely glad to hear it's turning around for you. Keep your head up!

 

[Jean4]

I hope everything works out for you. Also remember this. If you really wanted to CTB, love wouldn't matter. In my opinion, there is a piece of you which wants to hang on. Always remember that when the thoughts come back.