Have been lurking a while

[vita min]

Hi, I have been lurking for about a week. I have had terrible effects from antidepressant and antispsychotic medications that have indefinite duration (PSSD and anhedonia), and that is the main reason I would like to ctb because the stifling of every feeling, emotional, sexual, everything is ruined. It is so bad that it does not matter if this is a 1 year condition or a permanent condition. It will lead me to ruin and I will be miserable while things are still externally stable and good. aif that weren't enough, my vision is extremely impaired by surgery. I was already in a hopeless situation skills and finance wise, I will admit I didn't live a responsible life. It was just a matter of time before I would have wanted to die early, it just happened faster because I lost my job and then right afterwards demented my mind to make it impossible to get a new job. Believe me, if you met me, you would see why that is. On some level I think the anhedonia made me realize I was unfit for taking care of myself, because I no longer had anime, games or any fun things to distract me from how incompetent I was. CTB will also be a cruel thing for me to do because it will traumatize the people taking care of me. But I cannot endure what my life is like now so I think I will do that one last injustice. I wish I had done things differently but i would have to go back decades to fix what was wrong with me. If I knew my future i would have ordered some N last year, because now my opportunity and resources to exit painlessly are very slim. Right now I am staring at a pair of shoelaces from my boots and wondering if they would be enough.

Anyways, sorry for the rant. I can only articulate my thoughts like this when I type and even that takes forever because the meds have slowed me down so much. It was a mental crippling in pill form. I want to plan a good clean attempt and get it over with. I know there are other people who endure similar conditions for years but I absolutely don't see myself enduring this kind of daily torture for that long.

 

[FuneralCry]

This life really can be hard. I think there is only so much suffering one human can take until they fall into despair. It is also bad as our only escape from this life traumatises others. I wish you the best and I hope you find some relief.

 

[vita min]

This life really can be hard. I think there is only so much suffering one human can take until they fall into despair. It is also bad as our only escape from this life traumatises others. I wish you the best and I hope you find some relief.

Thank you. I just wish I could have been born different, because I have the responsibility for my life and I am the worst person to trust with it. At my core I am unfit for college, unfit for work, and unfit for social life. I am even unfit to homeless on the street, I don't have the strength for that. I have a window to make things better in my life but the neurons that would drive me are all damaged to ruin this chance I have. I feel like a hysterical stranger to myself every single day and I want to ctb not only to end my suffering but to end the burden I have become.

 

[bigj15]

Dude literally exact same thing happened to me with SSRIS. Started taking them at 14 and just got off them 2 years ago on them for almost a decade and I am absolutely ruined. So ALIen to myself and I feel like I was on a time warp while on the medication its awful man I feel for you.

 

[vita min]

Dude literally exact same thing happened to me with SSRIS. Started taking them at 14 and just got off them 2 years ago on them for almost a decade and I am absolutely ruined. So ALIen to myself and I feel like I was on a time warp while on the medication its awful man I feel for you.

I hate it so much. I'm worse than empty, I barely care about the people I love unless I focus my mind right on them, and then I feel awful for a while before going right back to misery and plans to end it. It's like having a short emotional attention span.

 

[bigj15]

feel the same way just can't care about anything no feelings at all and my attention span is like that with everything. Its like living in an alternate world really, never know how bad pills can fuck u up until it happens to you i guess

 

[vita min]

I really wish I had some wake up call early in life to make me never go down this road. To realize how beautiful life was and how important it was to be healthy even if I wasn't born that way. I don't feel like a victim anymore, I feel like the guilty one, the one who ruined everything.

 

[vita min]

feel the same way just can't care about anything no feelings at all and my attention span is like that with everything. Its like living in an alternate world really, never know how bad pills can fuck u up until it happens to you i guess

I hope you will make it. It has only been a few months for me but it's pushing me over the edge after losing everything else in my life. In fact I recently got a second chance from people who love me to fix things in my life, but that was before the effects of these meds turned me into a hollow shell.

 

[bigj15]

Been off meds for about 1 3/4 years now hasn't gotten much better but there is a page called surviving antidepressants that might help you

 

[MutatedFlower]

I've had the same experiences with psychiatric medicine. I've been on anti-psychotics and anti-depressants. The anti-psychotics are what really screwed me up. On top of an already screwd up mind , I've had electro-shock treatement, which has cause short-term memory problems. My mind is ruined.

 

[vita min]

I was also on antipsychotics after antidepressants, because if i reacted so badly to ssri they thought i must be bipolar. the antipsychotic made me sleep every night but i think really did the final blow on my sanity. I hope you heal.

 

[vita min]

Also wow you got ECT too. I would have done it if I had the means, but I guess it's better I didn't. Honestly if money wasn't an option I'd get a passport made and go to Mexico or Canada for an ibogaine flood. I really would give up everything just to truly feel warm under the sun again, and I'd be happy to ctb after that I guess because I'd still be mentally ill.