Have any of you ever relied on substance abuse for escapism?

[Thanksforeverything]

I started when I graduated high school. College is when life just went to shit. The prospect that it was only going to get worse as I progressed further was way too much. So, I started small with marijuana. I'd smoke every day which eventually built up tolerance. And then I moved on to abusing prescription meds, benzos, opioids, antipsychotics. Basically anything that either made me a little numb or gave me a false sense of euphoria. At one point I was blacking out every night from overdose. I stopped abusing meds knowing how slippery that slope was getting and was lucky enough to not suffer from any withdrawal but I resorted back to smoking weed. Then came the worst. ALCOHOL. For the past couple of years, I've finished a full bottle of whiskey every SINGLE day. Anytime I'm alone and I need to drown out this constant noise in my head, I reach for the bottle. I haven't "Abused" harder stuff like meth or heroin, but I've tried almost everything under the sun at least once.

At this point, I sometimes wonder was all this effort to feel a little bit better temporarily, ruin any chance I had at actually getting better. I'm under no illusion that my substance abuse wasn't the cause for most of my failures in my day-to-day life, cause it absolutely was. But I sometimes wonder which one's the one to blame for my resolve to CTB? Is it the depression that came first? Or is it the substance abuse I tried to cope with that made it all worse?

 

[CasTheFriendlyGhost]

self medication gives us a false comfort zone in a situation that would otherwise be unbearable. it allows us to stay inactive and let our underlying problems grow and foster. the older we get the more unsolvable they appear, until one day we realize we wasted our entire youth and our anxiety and/or depression is worse than ever.

maybe things would have gone different without the weed. maybe you would have had the energy to free yourself from your misery.

 

[Fulminare]

The suffering you've went through and are still experiencing is the root of it all. Or else you wouldn't have started to abuse substances in the first place. We don't wake up one day and say "let's become dependent on drugs!"

To answer your question, yes, I have used drugs in means of escapism. I would binge drink alcohol because I'm quite addicted to the feeling of euphoria. I would combine it with severe self-harm. That was my own heaven on earth.

I don't view those moments as necessarily bad though. I throughly enjoyed it. Not in a masochistic kind of way… it's hard to explain. I guess it was all about taking control of the situation. I'd do it everyday if alcohol wouldn't have such nasty side & after effects.

 

[Thanksforeverything]

The suffering you've went through and are still experiencing is the root of it all. Or else you wouldn't have started to abuse substances in the first place. We don't wake up one day and say "let's become dependent on drugs!"

To answer your question, yes, I have used drugs in means of escapism. I would binge drink alcohol because I'm quite addicted to the feeling of euphoria. I would combine it with severe self-harm. That was my own heaven on earth.

I don't view those moments as necessarily bad though. I throughly enjoyed it. Not in a masochistic kind of way… it's hard to explain. I guess it was all about taking control of the situation. I'd do it everyday if alcohol wouldn't have such nasty side & after effects.

I fully understand where you're coming from. I don't engage in self-harm, mainly because I never found any pleasure in it, but what I do is essentially self-harm, just not the bodily type. I'd drink and then engage in behavior that would essentially make it impossible for me to choose life over CTB. Anything to make me feel like I had no alternative when I finally woke up sober the next day. It's my own form of masochism. Almost as if a subconscious part of my brain is telling me, "If you don't have enough motivation to CTB right now, squash all the alternatives available so you're only left with one option which will finally be permanent."

 

[Fulminare]

I fully understand where you're coming from. I don't engage in self-harm, mainly because I never found any pleasure in it, but what I do is essentially self-harm, just not the bodily type. I'd drink and then engage in behavior that would essentially make it impossible for me to choose life over CTB. Anything to make me feel like I had no alternative when I finally woke up sober the next day. It's my own form of masochism. Almost as if a subconscious part of my brain is telling me, "If you don't have enough motivation to CTB right now, squash all the alternatives available so you're only left with one option which will finally be permanent."

Very relatable! You are putting yourself in a position where you have no other choice but to CTB. You see this behavior a lot with mass shooters who are most often suicidal. Not saying that you are wired like them, but I think it illustrates how far this behavior can actually go.

I've done the same right before my most recent attempt. My bank account was at zero because I donated it. I couldn't pay any of my bills - why would I need to if I could just finally CTB?

You're not alone in this, quite a lot of people self-sabotage. It's part of human nature. About your addiction though. Are you still downing a full bottle of whiskey everyday? Do you have any will to stop or are you settled on doing this until you decide to CTB?

 

[Thanksforeverything]

About your addiction though. Are you still downing a full bottle of whiskey everyday? Do you have any will to stop or are you settled on doing this until you decide to CTB?

I'm still downing a full bottle of whiskey most days. It's a little better because I can't on days I have critical work. But essentially every day but. As for if I think I'll stop? Honestly, I wish I could tell you. I just don't know. I've stopped before, and it wasn't hard. The physical symptoms never really bothered me because I knew they would go away. But I don't know if I want to quit permanently. The reason I binge drink is for the exact same psychological symptoms that prevent me from stopping. I've asked myself on multiple occasions, "Should I quit". The answer is yes. Do I want to? I don't exactly know, I mean it's about the one thing that's keeping me here, while also pushing me to the end at the same time.

 

[BlackMoon]

Alcohol when I was a student. I could drink every day every night, beers and vodka, locking myself in my student room.

Now I prefer to write, I don't really escape anything because I write about what I face, but at least I reduce the risk of impulsive SA and it helps me to rationalize my thoughts and feelings. I still drink spirits rarely, but because I like them, not to forget myself.

 

[UnwindingStar]

I was abusing heroin for 5 years to escape. It eventually culminated into a benzo and crack addiction as well. I was lost before I got clean.

But even clean, I'm wanting to CTB. I need to, it's what I always knew would happen.

 

[theRetroHawk]

I started when I graduated high school. College is when life just went to shit. The prospect that it was only going to get worse as I progressed further was way too much. So, I started small with marijuana. I'd smoke every day which eventually built up tolerance. And then I moved on to abusing prescription meds, benzos, opioids, antipsychotics. Basically anything that either made me a little numb or gave me a false sense of euphoria. At one point I was blacking out every night from overdose. I stopped abusing meds knowing how slippery that slope was getting and was lucky enough to not suffer from any withdrawal but I resorted back to smoking weed. Then came the worst. ALCOHOL. For the past couple of years, I've finished a full bottle of whiskey every SINGLE day. Anytime I'm alone and I need to drown out this constant noise in my head, I reach for the bottle. I haven't "Abused" harder stuff like meth or heroin, but I've tried almost everything under the sun at least once.

At this point, I sometimes wonder was all this effort to feel a little bit better temporarily, ruin any chance I had at actually getting better. I'm under no illusion that my substance abuse wasn't the cause for most of my failures in my day-to-day life, cause it absolutely was. But I sometimes wonder which one's the one to blame for my resolve to CTB? Is it the depression that came first? Or is it the substance abuse I tried to cope with that made it all worse?

Currently abusing weed, started in November (had not touched a drug ever in my life) and have been high ever single day since with the exception of 4 days, two being the past two days because I essentially started on light edibles and they aren't doing much anymore and I can't afford to keep popping multiple a night or just buying higher and higher doses.

 

[Tokugawa_Yoshinobu]

I drink too much every few months and now I have minor brain damage.

 

[LiesAndLigatures]

Opiates for me. Abused H for a while back in 2014-2016, then managed to stop... Until getting hooked on F about 2 years ago. It is the only thing that makes life somewhat bearable. I really wonder if my family knew, if they would prefer me as a junkie or a corpse. Hoping for an "accidental" OD every time I snort, every time I heat a foil, and every time I tie off.