Discussion Have any of you been with someone during their exit?

[wordsonscreen]

I'd like your insights. You can reply via pm if you feel uneasy commenting.
Some of the people I love may leave before I do and we are exploring being together as one/both of us leave.

What was it like?

Were you doing video/audio call? Where you together?

How did you feel?

What did you do to support that person? How did you prepare?

 

[Ame]

The only person I have ever been with when they died was my grandmother when I was 10 years old. Having only been 10 years old at the time, my recollection of events and my understanding of what exactly transpired that day are imperfect. I remember that condition deteriorated suddenly while my family was visiting her in hospital. She was transferred to the ICU and out family was told that she would not likely make it through. She died later that night. It wasn't the most peaceful of deaths (I remember that they had my grandmother intubated and that there was blood) but she was surrounded by family (spouse, some children, and grandchildren) who held on to her until the end. I wasn't the most pleasant experience and I had nightmares for a little bit after, but I do not regret being present. There was the closure of being able to say goodbye and I am grateful that she did not have to die alone. Not everyone is so fortunate to be surrounded by loved ones when they go and the nature of suicide means that we ultimately are forced to go alone. My response was strangely muted, but I have usually been the type of person to go numb with denial in the face of awful things.

Perhaps this isn't quite the answer you were looking for, because the death was not a result of "self-deliverance" but there is some crossover in that her dying was beyond her control despite being in direct contact.

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

I have never been with someone who was dying/died by suicide. I have, however, been with dozens ? while they died in the ICU where I worked as an RN.

The circumstances were each unique. Some died during a full code. Others were disconnected from life support and just slipped away. Some were revived for a while, then coded again. Those who died after being coded were the most traumatic. A full code can be a very violent thing.

It was never like on TV where one minute they were awake and talking and the next they were dead, mostly because we had them drugged for various reasons. But once they were gone, you could see the absolute lack of animation on their faces. Even during a code, you could see that and know the resuscitation attempts would fail because they were already gone.

Three stand out in my memory. One was an older woman who was in a car crash with her husband. He was DOA. She was bleeding profusely but her religion prohibited a blood transfusion. Her brain was so damaged from lack of oxygen, she was in a vegetative state. Her son and daughter in law came daily to spend time with her. We finally disconnected life support after weeks and she passed peacefully with them at her side. They were so loving to her. I will never forget them.

Second was an elderly woman who had a massive stroke. I knew her time was short. Never had a single visitor. I called the family contact and told him that she was dying and if he wanted to be there, he needed to come right away. He said, "Call me when she's dead" and hung up. I was shocked. I went into her room, held her hand, spoke softly to her, and was with her when her heart stopped. (She was unconscious the entire time in our unit.) I was not going to let her die alone.

The third was an 18 year old girl, car crash. She, too, was a member of the no-blood-transfusion religion. Again, the lack of oxygen to her brain caused complete brain shutdown. She was on full life support. Her pastor came in with a copy of a contract she had signed, stating no blood transfusion. We respected that. The pastor told me he had never signed one. I told him maybe he had better do that. She was declared brain dead, her parents wanted to donate her organs. There was a meeting with them and the organ donor people (and me). Everything was explained. I sat next to her father, holding his hand, when he asked what would happen next. He was told that first they would do a blood transfusion to perfuse her organs and prepare for the harvest. He looked at me and asked, "They can't give her blood to save her life but they can give it after she is dead??" I just looked at him and nodded. 18 years old. Btw, her parents were not members of that religion.

None of us who worked there ever "got used to" it. I was a mentor and trainer for new nurses and told them, "If you can watch this without it touching your heart, you need to not be a nurse."

After seven years in that unit, I am not afraid of dying. I am sometimes more afraid of living.

 

[wordsonscreen]

The only person I have ever been with when they died was my grandmother when I was 10 years old. Having only been 10 years old at the time, my recollection of events and my understanding of what exactly transpired that day are imperfect. I remember that condition deteriorated suddenly while my family was visiting her in hospital. She was transferred to the ICU and out family was told that she would not likely make it through. She died later that night. It wasn't the most peaceful of deaths (I remember that they had my grandmother intubated and that there was blood) but she was surrounded by family (spouse, some children, and grandchildren) who held on to her until the end. I wasn't the most pleasant experience and I had nightmares for a little bit after, but I do not regret being present. There was the closure of being able to say goodbye and I am grateful that she did not have to die alone. Not everyone is so fortunate to be surrounded by loved ones when they go and the nature of suicide means that we ultimately are forced to go alone. My response was strangely muted, but I have usually been the type of person to go numb with denial in the face of awful things.

Perhaps this isn't quite the answer you were looking for, because the death was not a result of "self-deliverance" but there is some crossover in that her dying was beyond her control despite being in direct contact.

I appreciate you sharing <3 am so sorry for your loss and am glad you got to say goodbye <3 Numbing is normal too- it is a coping mechanism that works, sustainable or not. I hope you are doing well!

I have never been with someone who was dying/died by suicide. I have, however, been with dozens ? while they died in the ICU where I worked as an RN.

The circumstances were each unique. Some died during a full code. Others were disconnected from life support and just slipped away. Some were revived for a while, then coded again. Those who died after being coded were the most traumatic. A full code can be a very violent thing.

It was never like on TV where one minute they were awake and talking and the next they were dead, mostly because we had them drugged for various reasons. But once they were gone, you could see the absolute lack of animation on their faces. Even during a code, you could see that and know the resuscitation attempts would fail because they were already gone.

Three stand out in my memory. One was an older woman who was in a car crash with her husband. He was DOA. She was bleeding profusely but her religion prohibited a blood transfusion. Her brain was so damaged from lack of oxygen, she was in a vegetative state. Her son and daughter in law came daily to spend time with her. We finally disconnected life support after weeks and she passed peacefully with them at her side. They were so loving to her. I will never forget them.

Second was an elderly woman who had a massive stroke. I knew her time was short. Never had a single visitor. I called the family contact and told him that she was dying and if he wanted to be there, he needed to come right away. He said, "Call me when she's dead" and hung up. I was shocked. I went into her room, held her hand, spoke softly to her, and was with her when her heart stopped. (She was unconscious the entire time in our unit.) I was not going to let her die alone.

The third was an 18 year old girl, car crash. She, too, was a member of the no-blood-transfusion religion. Again, the lack of oxygen to her brain caused complete brain shutdown. She was on full life support. Her pastor came in with a copy of a contract she had signed, stating no blood transfusion. We respected that. The pastor told me he had never signed one. I told him maybe he had better do that. She was declared brain dead, her parents wanted to donate her organs. There was a meeting with them and the organ donor people (and me). Everything was explained. I sat next to her father, holding his hand, when he asked what would happen next. He was told that first they would do a blood transfusion to perfuse her organs and prepare for the harvest. He looked at me and asked, "They can't give her blood to save her life but they can give it after she is dead??" I just looked at him and nodded. 18 years old. Btw, her parents were not members of that religion.

None of us who worked there ever "got used to" it. I was a mentor and trainer for new nurses and told them, "If you can watch this without it touching your heart, you need to not be a nurse."

After seven years in that unit, I am not afraid of dying. I am sometimes more afraid of living.

oh dear. You write so beautifully <3 thank you for sharing this. I really feel for you and every person you talked about. This sounds like such hard work but I am also glad that these folks had someone like you with them during such moments.