Has getting this far surprised you?

[Laststop]

I've been getting rid of my accumulated stuff. Going through boxes I haven't in years. I keep seeing things that bring me back. I have thought of CTB over the years, especially when times were tough. However, after a while, I still had my fairly well paying job, and I kept saying I was going to do this or that...someday. I kept saying it long after even I really believed I was going to. Getting fired shot me out into reality, and now I find myself seeing things so differently. I don't think my thoughts of CTB ever got far enough to be serious. Now that I'm getting rid of all my possessions, I reflect on how serious I am now. How I would never normally do it. And I'm surprised at how sure I am of doing this.

 

[Weems]

Yeah. I've gotten rid of more stuff (mostly cherished book/record/movie collections) every time I moved apartments. Now I'm down to a couple suitcases total. Handful of books and some clothes, none of them nice.

 

[dolphin2.0]

Yes, and I think that the farther I go, the easier it becomes. The other day I wiped my whole hard drive. I think it is just this sort of accumulating process ... that's why making plans for suicide is considered a high risk clinical scenario I think because it's like with everything you do and every day that passes, it makes it a bit easier and easier to kill yourself. A couple of months ago I don't think I would have imagined myself being in this position.

 

[Dreamcolleger]

Not exactly because I haven't had the opportunity to CTB for long and this site hasn't been around for that long either which is where I've gotten so much information on. Actually feels good that I haven't been in pain for too much longer than I've needed to be.

 

[Empty Smile]

I'm surprised I've come through life the way I have.

I as well have been getting rid of things. Either to Goodwill or selling.

 

[JoeFailure]

So surprised. But then again, I lived most of my life completely oblivious to what real life was.

It was only when I reached the bottom of the sea that I realized I had drowned myself.

 

[Morphinekiss]

I'm just surprised I haven't accidentally offed myself by some absurd method. I mean I blew up a grill once, drunkenly drank some dish soap, etc.

 

[not_a_robot]

Started paring my life down to almost nothing once or twice a year in my early twenties. At the moment I have a small apartment of stuff but I'm about to sell it all on LetGo and move. Hopefully set up nicely in a new place by September or ctb.

The best thing was destroying my journals. Like sweeping away a lifetime of unnecessary thoughts. I felt so good doing that.

 

[Laststop]

Started paring my life down to almost nothing once or twice a year in my early twenties. At the moment I have a small apartment of stuff but I'm about to sell it all on LetGo and move. Hopefully set up nicely in a new place by September or ctb.

The best thing was destroying my journals. Like sweeping away a lifetime of unnecessary thoughts. I felt so good doing that.

I've gotten rid of journals several times in my life. The one I have now is on an encrypted flash drive. Just a mater of electronically shredding it now. I'm glad you felt good getting rid of yours.

 

[The Mute Viking]

I'm trying to get started on this process.

 

[mathieu]

I'm surprised at having made it to 28, when I wanted to die since I was 15. There are some good memories, mostly bad ones. So it was sort of worth sticking around. Not anymore, though.

 

[Leesap]

I'm just surprised I haven't accidentally offed myself by some absurd method. I mean I blew up a grill once, drunkenly drank some dish soap, etc.

Exactly!! Ive have some hellish accidents, lived in a very dangerous place and done very, very risky things. When I read about that woman (exactly my age) who recently died after falling onto a metal drinking straw, I felt weird.

 

[Susannah]

Yes! I believe I'm older than the average "user" here, and I never thought I'd turn 30y, have a kid and actually become a good mother. I've messed up my life many times, but in the end, I landed on my feet. Time flies faster and faster. I guess I'm a fucking survivor, though I hate that word.

 

[throwaway123]

yea In the back of my mind the thought of CTB will always be there but someday life will force you to CTB.

 

[marcusuk63]

Yes! I believe I'm older than the average "user" here, and I never thought I'd turn 30y, have a kid and actually become a good mother. I've messed up my life many times, but in the end, I landed on my feet. Time flies faster and faster. I guess I'm a fucking survivor, though I hate that word.

i`m older than the average older user

 

[The Mute Viking]

Yes! I believe I'm older than the average "user" here, and I never thought I'd turn 30y, have a kid and actually become a good mother. I've messed up my life many times, but in the end, I landed on my feet. Time flies faster and faster. I guess I'm a fucking survivor, though I hate that word.

I wish you all the love in the world. I'm almost hitting 30 in couple months. I'm sad at my life in the past and now. Keep on, for the rest of us.

i`m older than the average older user

Still looking cute af tho. :)

 

[Susannah]

I wish you all the love in the world. I'm almost hitting 30 in couple months. I'm sad at my life in the past and now. Keep on, for the rest of us.
Cheers and I'll be honest, I'm 42y

Still looking cute af tho. :)

 

[The Mute Viking]

You're an inspiration to people like me. Honest. I don't know you, but the fact you're still here and you have a child and are a good mother.

I wish I could have a son. But I'm in place to have one, especially with my mental and health state, I don't want to doom him to the issues that I suffer from.
Shame, I would have been a damn good mother. Goodness. Much respect and love coming your way from a stranger like myself. :black_heart:

 

[Susannah]

You're an inspiration to people like me. Honest. I don't know you, but the fact you're still here and you have a child and are a good mother.

I wish I could have a son. But I'm in place to have one, especially with my mental and health state, I don't want to doom him to the issues that

Lots of love from one viking to another ;-)

 

[marcusuk63]

42 ? you are still a youngster , somehow and i have no idea how but i`m 56 in 11 days ! time has just flown past as i`ve been CTB since i was 14 ! time has come though as i`m too tired to fight it anymore , being a miserable loner does have it advantages though as most people think i`m at least 15 years younger than i am because i have had nothing to laugh about so dont have laughter lines and living alone for 20 years i dont have grey hair lol , not sure if i should laugh or cry ? i`ll do both

 

[Conflicted Cat]

Yup. I thought I wouldn't be alive by 18. But here I am at 21...Well, nearly 21, birthday's in 5 days.

I constantly think about how much I've changed as a person, from this kind innocent kid to now someone with all kinds of dark thoughts. I think about shit I did in my teenage years and I just cringe. Wish I could erase it from my memory, but eh, I wouldn't even be who I am today if I didn't do those things.

And now I'm as lost and confused as ever about my future. Depression and anxiety that never leaves, my thoughts on me catching the bus are now conflicted, I have no friends, and society is just fucking terrible.

 

[Last writes]

I'll be 38 in a couple of weeks. I'm going through my fifth relapse of depression at the moment. I tend to accumulate a lot of papers, letters, books and unopened mail when I'm struggling. I had a major clear-out about a month ago. I found a folder full of creative writing that I did for English class in my last year at school (1998/9.)
One of the stories was called ," last writes." It describes all the thoughts and emotions I had before a (fictional) unsuccessful attempt to ctb. What it doesn't describe at all is any of the effect the attempt has on my family, friends etc. So while it describes really clearly what it feels like to be suicidal and in a state of emotional turmoil; it doesn't show any insight at all into the what the aftermath would likely be. Lots of detailed description of cause, but no mention of the effect it would have on me or anyone else (least of all my English teacher.)
It was like reading a message in a bottle from my 16 going on 17 year old self. I obviously didn't expect to make it to 18, never mind 28, or 38.

 

[The Mute Viking]

42 ? you are still a youngster , somehow and i have no idea how but i`m 56 in 11 days ! time has just flown past as i`ve been CTB since i was 14 ! time has come though as i`m too tired to fight it anymore , being a miserable loner does have it advantages though as most people think i`m at least 15 years younger than i am because i have had nothing to laugh about so dont have laughter lines and living alone for 20 years i dont have grey hair lol , not sure if i should laugh or cry ? i`ll do both

Man, you're a trooper, for whatever that's worth. Not sure I could even remotely close to that age. Yet I've been telling that "I cannot live another year" for the past 12+ years. I'm turning 30 in a couple months, and I have absolutely nothing to show for it. So when I read some of the post from older survivors, I am speechless. It's like looking at a potential future me and no offense, but I don't want that. I'm glad you exist, from one stranger to another.

I'll be 38 in a couple of weeks. I'm going through my fifth relapse of depression at the moment. I tend to accumulate a lot of papers, letters, books and unopened mail when I'm struggling. I had a major clear-out about a month ago. I found a folder full of creative writing that I did for English class in my last year at school (1998/9.)
One of the stories was called ," last writes." It describes all the thoughts and emotions I had before a (fictional) unsuccessful attempt to ctb. What it doesn't describe at all is any of the effect the attempt has on my family, friends etc. So while it describes really clearly what it feels like to be suicidal and in a state of emotional turmoil; it doesn't show any insight at all into the what the aftermath would likely be. Lots of detailed description of cause, but no mention of the effect it would have on me or anyone else (least of all my English teacher.)
It was like reading a message in a bottle from my 16 going on 17 year old self. I obviously didn't expect to make it to 18, never mind 28, or 38.

That's intense. I have a novel I've been writing for the past ten years, but the fact that all my issues have conflicted with being able to finish it saddens me. I tell myself, "If I can stay long enough to finish this lifes work. I can die happy." Novel still rest on that cybershelf, unfinished. What are we when are muse dies and we cannot resurrect it? We die ofc.

 

[marcusuk63]

Man, you're a trooper, for whatever that's worth. Not sure I could even remotely close to that age. Yet I've been telling that "I cannot live another year" for the past 12+ years. I'm turning 30 in a couple months, and I have absolutely nothing to show for it. So when I read some of the post from older survivors, I am speechless. It's like looking at a potential future me and no offense, but I don't want that. I'm glad you exist, from one stranger to another.


,
I think as you get older you enter some sort of time distortion field , you do something then a year later you`ll see a photo of it and it was 5 years ago !
Like when i had new central heating fitted approximately 10 years ago at my guess , recently my shut off valve was leaking i only realised when the lining paper i had put on were the new controls fitted on the wall for the boiler got damp so i re-did it and found this ! i resigned the wall 18 years later !

 

[Lifetimepunishment]

Not as far as I originally think ,I could hold on until my mom's passing. I don't want her crushed by my death

 

[Jon86]

It's all easy till the last moment in my experience. Can't say it's easy when your still alive imo anything before that is just roleplay/fantasy.

 

[not_a_robot]

Exactly!! Ive have some hellish accidents, lived in a very dangerous place and done very, very risky things. When I read about that woman (exactly my age) who recently died after falling onto a metal drinking straw, I felt weird.

I used to walk around mumbling bitterly. "Better people than me die every day.Every goddamn day! Why not me? Why never me?"
Now I accept, it is all just absurd.
Of course, of course not me.
Of course it's always the better people who have to die.
Because the nature of life is absurd/evil.

The spellcheck recognizes "goddamn" as correct.

 

[The Mute Viking]

Fuck. I blinked and twelve years went by, please get me out before I cannot excape that distortion field. Hope you can find a way out.

 

[Fallen bad23]

I started thinking of suicide when I was probably 14. But last year was my final straw, I sat a final date and almost had everything in place, in theory, then I discovered this forum and realized that my method wasn't reliable. It has been over 6 months now since I missed my date and I just feel like a feather floating in the air. I couldn't see myself alive after my final date and the fact that I'm still here makes me ashamed of myself even more. I even lost any energy that is left in me to plan and work for my final exit.