Has depression and suicidality made you more mature and changed your humor?

[noname223]

I was abused since the age of 5. There was always this melancholia and sadness in my life. In primary school I cried uncontrollably all the time. No teacher ever suspected anything because on the surface my mom looked so caring.

There are pictures from me in a theme park as child and I look pretty sad. I think these were signs of mental illness. I became very thoughtful and questioned my lifestlye even at a very early age. I was into hedonism and I felt so empty all the time. As a teenager I switched to asceticism.

There was no lightness/easiness in my life. Many say as child you don't worry you simply live your life carefree. This was never true to me. I was always in pain. I developed suicidality and depression since the age of 15.

Since my first psychosis everything has become way worse. I am always in fear to experience the extreme psychosomatic pain again. I am always anxious about the future poverty, performance pressure etc my inevtiable suicide.

Two therapists gave me up after revealing my personal abyss and stance on suicide. I soon have a meeting with my new psychiatrist I became very careful what to share with them. How much of my hopelessnes I am allowed to share with them to avoid they give up on me.

I am even scared to get one day into trouble for posting here. The anxiety decreased the last months. But I worried so fucking much. All my life I am full of angst and always worrying. If one problem is solved there comes the next. I am never happy. Yesterday I could not sleep because there might be a low chance I have a lethal illness that could kill me within 5 years. I was so thrilled and at ease when I imagined that. I don't want to do it by myself. But I also cannot live like that the coming decades. I wish something could do the job for me. I lose a lot of weight without a good explanation. But it is probably pretty harmless.

I have developed dark humor. I am very thougful and I think I always was very mature for my actual age. But I am in pain and I don't know how long I am able to cope with all of this. I take so fucking much medication to make me numb. I am dying. Innerly I am dying every human has a limit. Venting in this forum helps me to survive. Certainly this won't last forever though.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I guess it depends on what you think maturity is. I became aquainted with death at ages 3, 4 and 10. I think that changes your perspective on life. You realise that nothing is very secure and you simply don't have certain loved ones around to depend on. I definitely developed a dark sense of humour and a massive amount of cynicism early on. It's kind of weird though that we tend to associate the more negative emotions with being grown up!

I'd say maturity is more a guage on how well we cope with all the shit in life! I think I've simply tried to shield myself from the most trying situations to some degree. I don't think I'm as balanced and together as other adults. I definitely lack confidence. I've actually tried to hide myself in immaturity in some ways. I really value my more childish attributes like a sense of wonder and a defiance to go along with a lot of adult social norms.

I definitely think being suicidal changes you though. There's always this underlying cynicism and reluctance to things I think.

 

[willitpass]

I'm often told people forget that I'm only in my early 20s because I seem so much older. I've been told that since I was around 13 or 14, which my around the time I experienced a large wave of trauma (though not anywhere near my first time experiencing trauma). Sometime I agree, I feel like I am wise beyond my years. Other times I worry I'm rather immature in some aspects, though I feel like everyone feels like that sometimes.

As far as humor goes, that's how I cope. I often make jokes about my depression, suicidality, and trauma. People are used to it around me, they don't ever bat an eye about it.

 

[Abyssal]

Hasn't changed my humor, but it brought me here and has allowed me to take in much more ideas and opinions on things regarding death. I'm not sure I'd be so at peace with it otherwise.

 

[loslassen]

I was abused since the age of 5. There was always this melancholia and sadness in my life. In primary school I cried uncontrollably all the time. No teacher ever suspected anything because on the surface my mom looked so caring.

There are pictures from me in a theme park as child and I look pretty sad. I think these were signs of mental illness. I became very thoughtful and questioned my lifestlye even at a very early age. I was into hedonism and I felt so empty all the time. As a teenager I switched to asceticism.

There was no lightness/easiness in my life. Many say as child you don't worry you simply live your life carefree. This was never true to me. I was always in pain. I developed suicidality and depression since the age of 15.

Since my first psychosis everything has become way worse. I am always in fear to experience the extreme psychosomatic pain again. I am always anxious about the future poverty, performance pressure etc my inevtiable suicide.

Two therapists gave me up after revealing my personal abyss and stance on suicide. I soon have a meeting with my new psychiatrist I became very careful what to share with them. How much of my hopelessnes I am allowed to share with them to avoid they give up on me.

I am even scared to get one day into trouble for posting here. The anxiety decreased the last months. But I worried so fucking much. All my life I am full of angst and always worrying. If one problem is solved there comes the next. I am never happy. Yesterday I could not sleep because there might be a low chance I have a lethal illness that could kill me within 5 years. I was so thrilled and at ease when I imagined that. I don't want to do it by myself. But I also cannot live like that the coming decades. I wish something could do the job for me. I lose a lot of weight without a good explanation. But it is probably pretty harmless.

I have developed dark humor. I am very thougful and I think I always was very mature for my actual age. But I am in pain and I don't know how long I am able to cope with all of this. I take so fucking much medication to make me numb. I am dying. Innerly I am dying every human has a limit. Venting in this forum helps me to survive. Certainly this won't last forever though.

It really depends on your own perspective over what maturity is as a whole, in my opinion maturity comes a really, really long way. I used to believe I was mature for my age, but that is just a fucked up lie adults believe(and make you believe) when they see a child that behaves like a conformist(doesn't speak up, rebel/complain/share their emotions) and often takes blame aka "responsibility" for things. Adults are in their majority, specially the previous generations, sad and unfulfilled people, so they wholeheartedly believe maturing is outgrowing your interests and stopping behaving "childishly". So yeah, they'll perceive a sad child who has seen too much at such a young age as a mature person for their age, which is pretty fucked up if you ask me, I put the blame on them for not letting me enjoy my childhood, which I'm never getting back. Coming to terms with rather my immaturity, is what actually makes you a mature person, I'd like to believe. I'm sure there's a lot I don't know, even when I fully used to believe that I was super self aware and mature. But answering your question more directly, in one way or another, growing up too fast and being a sad child without a fair development somehow makes you more observant and therefore appear mature, so yeah, being sad takes a lot from you in a trade for knowledge… aka "maturity."

 

[figurehead]

I was never abused as such, except for my father who used to beat my mother up until se escaped from him, I was 3-4 yo. I've always hated my father for that. Aside this, my childhood was fine. Suicidabillity only came later, in my teens. I don't actually recall what life or my moods were like before depression. I've managed to live with/despite it for over 30 years, so I reckon I've become what I am because of that.

 

[brokeandbroken]

To be honest all I really feel is misery.

 

[F@#$]

I was abused since the age of 5. There was always this melancholia and sadness in my life. In primary school I cried uncontrollably all the time. No teacher ever suspected anything because on the surface my mom looked so caring.

There are pictures from me in a theme park as child and I look pretty sad. I think these were signs of mental illness. I became very thoughtful and questioned my lifestlye even at a very early age. I was into hedonism and I felt so empty all the time. As a teenager I switched to asceticism.

There was no lightness/easiness in my life. Many say as child you don't worry you simply live your life carefree. This was never true to me. I was always in pain. I developed suicidality and depression since the age of 15.

Since my first psychosis everything has become way worse. I am always in fear to experience the extreme psychosomatic pain again. I am always anxious about the future poverty, performance pressure etc my inevtiable suicide.

Two therapists gave me up after revealing my personal abyss and stance on suicide. I soon have a meeting with my new psychiatrist I became very careful what to share with them. How much of my hopelessnes I am allowed to share with them to avoid they give up on me.

I am even scared to get one day into trouble for posting here. The anxiety decreased the last months. But I worried so fucking much. All my life I am full of angst and always worrying. If one problem is solved there comes the next. I am never happy. Yesterday I could not sleep because there might be a low chance I have a lethal illness that could kill me within 5 years. I was so thrilled and at ease when I imagined that. I don't want to do it by myself. But I also cannot live like that the coming decades. I wish something could do the job for me. I lose a lot of weight without a good explanation. But it is probably pretty harmless.

I have developed dark humor. I am very thougful and I think I always was very mature for my actual age. But I am in pain and I don't know how long I am able to cope with all of this. I take so fucking much medication to make me numb. I am dying. Innerly I am dying every human has a limit. Venting in this forum helps me to survive. Certainly this won't last forever though.

What kind of therapist gives up? How is that helping anyone?

 

[noname223]

What kind of therapist gives up? How is that helping anyone?

One of them was a horrible therapist. I am just suicidal for over a decade. I tried so many things to make my suicidality to disappear and it failed. I have a very low life quality and these two therapists considered it a death sentence for me when I was fired. They think poverty will drive me over the edge and yes they are right with that. I am already planning to leave when that happens.

It probably helps them to fade out my fate. It makes their lives easier but certainly not mine.

 

[Deadfrogwalking]

It's ironic that all of us who feel like this are pushed and pressured to help and then things like you experienced happen.
Been through that a few times myself.
Lots of people have made money off my misery then made it impress worse on me by promising they could help then quitting on me.
It's maddening, I quit wasting the time, money and anger on it long ago.

 

[BlockHammer]

For me, what changes my humor is my age and also the people i hang out with, it has nothing to do with depression or suicidal thought. Although i can said that depression and suicidality change my world view, i've became more cynical than before and rarely see things in one-side of view. Like example i always think that people who commit suicide were reckless (not sinful or selfish) cause they wasted their life, something that would not return, but after i think about it, these people are just having diffrent view about human life especially theirs and also it makes me able to think with their point of view

 

[penguinl0v3s]

I became very thoughtful and questioned my lifestlye even at a very early age. I was into hedonism and I felt so empty all the time. As a teenager I switched to asceticism.

Hey, I'm a teenager right now going through the same thing. I thought about becoming Buddhist. Are you still an ascetic now? Any advice or opinions are appreciated, since the paths we took seem so similar! I get a weird feeling that it could be a life changing perspective for some reason.

I think my experiences with existential depression and then hedonism changed the way I approached life. I've also had some experiences early, like being a serial monogamist for example. In an alternate universe where I've never been depressed, perhaps sex, party, and drugs would be appealing to me. But I honestly feel too old to participate in those things now, both because they're hedonistic and because I've already had it all. I think I've found my ground and have found long term, stable sources of enjoyment. That aren't empty.

There was no lightness/easiness in my life. Many say as child you don't worry you simply live your life carefree. This was never true to me. I was always in pain. I developed suicidality and depression since the age of 15.

Ah I understand that feeling. It's particularly isolating as a child because when you ask your peers why they live, they give you really generic answers. Which is not their fault, the people I asked were only children at the time too. I was so young that I couldn't describe what I was feeling, until I learned the term "existentialism" in English class, and I was finally able to give a name to the thing I was feeling. "Existential dread."

Since my first psychosis everything has become way worse. I am always in fear to experience the extreme psychosomatic pain again. I am always anxious about the future poverty, performance pressure etc my inevtiable suicide.

I am not sure if this will help, but I want to give my two cents in case it will. I try to think of my suicide as a button that you can press to exit a game rather than a boss you have to fight. You don't need to actively avoid it since you have control of when and where.

I have developed dark humor. I am very thougful and I think I always was very mature for my actual age.

My therapists say that about me as well. They say that I can think very well and that I will agree with. One of my favorite things is thinking and learning. But it's different from being emotionally mature, because in day-to-day situations my thinking patterns are still reflective of my age. I will say that I'm very emotionally aware though, but that's not because of depression. The most emotionally unaware people I know are the most depressed.

People think that I'm 'chill.' It's true, I'm not bothered by anything. But that's less because of my personality, and more because of my experiences. Every new problem that arises for me seems to be trivial or pales in comparison to what I've already gone through. As a side effect it's also sapped me of my patience completely though.

If people knew what I did and felt on the inside, I think they would not like me. I have no patience for other people's stress most of the time, because most of the time if I were thrust into the same scenario I would be unbothered.

Ah, and I have these really irregular emotional reactions to things. When my companion declared an intent to attempt suicide, the primary emotion I felt was annoyance. I thought they were being stupid because they let themselves act impulsively. Of course I didn't say that because it would be rude and counterproductive. I externalized what I imagine normal people do instead, act worried.

My interactions can become so robotic. They're not natural, so they're never enjoyable. My natural reaction is never the correct one.

 

[sukuna]

Hey, I'm a teenager right now going through the same thing. I thought about becoming Buddhist. Are you still an ascetic now? Any advice or opinions are appreciated, since the paths we took seem so similar! I get a weird feeling that it could be a life changing perspective for some reason.

I think my experiences with existential depression and then hedonism changed the way I approached life. I've also had some experiences early, like being a serial monogamist for example. In an alternate universe where I've never been depressed, perhaps sex, party, and drugs would be appealing to me. But I honestly feel too old to participate in those things now, both because they're hedonistic and because I've already had it all. I think I've found my ground and have found long term, stable sources of enjoyment. That aren't empty.

Ah I understand that feeling. It's particularly isolating as a child because when you ask your peers why they live, they give you really generic answers. Which is not their fault, the people I asked were only children at the time too. I was so young that I couldn't describe what I was feeling, until I learned the term "existentialism" in English class, and I was finally able to give a name to the thing I was feeling. "Existential dread."

I am not sure if this will help, but I want to give my two cents in case it will. I try to think of my suicide as a button that you can press to exit a game rather than a boss you have to fight. You don't need to actively avoid it since you have control of when and where.

My therapists say that about me as well. They say that I can think very well and that I will agree with. One of my favorite things is thinking and learning. But it's different from being emotionally mature, because in day-to-day situations my thinking patterns are still reflective of my age. I will say that I'm very emotionally aware though, but that's not because of depression. The most emotionally unaware people I know are the most depressed.

People think that I'm 'chill.' It's true, I'm not bothered by anything. But that's less because of my personality, and more because of my experiences. Every new problem that arises for me seems to be trivial or pales in comparison to what I've already gone through. As a side effect it's also sapped me of my patience completely though.

If people knew what I did and felt on the inside, I think they would not like me. I have no patience for other people's stress most of the time, because most of the time if I were thrust into the same scenario I would be unbothered.

Ah, and I have these really irregular emotional reactions to things. When my companion declared an intent to attempt suicide, the primary emotion I felt was annoyance. I thought they were being stupid because they let themselves act impulsively. Of course I didn't say that because it would be rude and counterproductive. I externalized what I imagine normal people do instead, act worried.

My interactions can become so robotic. They're not natural, so they're never enjoyable. My natural reaction is never the correct one.

you can self reflect really really well. I cant even think about the first thing about my personality

 

[Dot]

Hey, I'm a teenager right now going through the same thing.

Hw old r u

 

[penguinl0v3s]

Hw old r u

I'm a legal adult and I don't want to post my age publicly, but I will say that I consider everything from thirteen to nineteen a teenager.

 

[noname223]

Hey, I'm a teenager right now going through the same thing. I thought about becoming Buddhist. Are you still an ascetic now? Any advice or opinions are appreciated, since the paths we took seem so similar! I get a weird feeling that it could be a life changing perspective for some reason.

I think my experiences with existential depression and then hedonism changed the way I approached life. I've also had some experiences early, like being a serial monogamist for example. In an alternate universe where I've never been depressed, perhaps sex, party, and drugs would be appealing to me. But I honestly feel too old to participate in those things now, both because they're hedonistic and because I've already had it all. I think I've found my ground and have found long term, stable sources of enjoyment. That aren't empty.

Ah I understand that feeling. It's particularly isolating as a child because when you ask your peers why they live, they give you really generic answers. Which is not their fault, the people I asked were only children at the time too. I was so young that I couldn't describe what I was feeling, until I learned the term "existentialism" in English class, and I was finally able to give a name to the thing I was feeling. "Existential dread."

I am not sure if this will help, but I want to give my two cents in case it will. I try to think of my suicide as a button that you can press to exit a game rather than a boss you have to fight. You don't need to actively avoid it since you have control of when and where.

My therapists say that about me as well. They say that I can think very well and that I will agree with. One of my favorite things is thinking and learning. But it's different from being emotionally mature, because in day-to-day situations my thinking patterns are still reflective of my age. I will say that I'm very emotionally aware though, but that's not because of depression. The most emotionally unaware people I know are the most depressed.

People think that I'm 'chill.' It's true, I'm not bothered by anything. But that's less because of my personality, and more because of my experiences. Every new problem that arises for me seems to be trivial or pales in comparison to what I've already gone through. As a side effect it's also sapped me of my patience completely though.

If people knew what I did and felt on the inside, I think they would not like me. I have no patience for other people's stress most of the time, because most of the time if I were thrust into the same scenario I would be unbothered.

Ah, and I have these really irregular emotional reactions to things. When my companion declared an intent to attempt suicide, the primary emotion I felt was annoyance. I thought they were being stupid because they let themselves act impulsively. Of course I didn't say that because it would be rude and counterproductive. I externalized what I imagine normal people do instead, act worried.

My interactions can become so robotic. They're not natural, so they're never enjoyable. My natural reaction is never the correct one.

I am not sure whether my experiece is helpful at all. I never considered to go full Buddhist.

As a child till the age of 15 I was very much into hedonism. I ate extremely unhealthy food, played all time video games, never educated me, always was lazy. I was abused by my mom since the age of 5. She wanted me to perform better at school. At school I was bullied for being obese. Life was no fun at all. My mom at the same always made me gifts and bought me everything I wanted. Even things I considered useless. It all felt pretty empty and shallow. I started to educate me, lose a lot of weight in very short time, studied like an idiot. Which later led to my downfall. A crash from being too exhausted. However this was more or less predetermined because of the chemical imbalance in my brain caused by a bipolar disorder which became more and more severe.

I think both sides of the extreme ascetisicm and hedonism is not good. I came to a point where I said to me I don't give any fuck about being happy (because I never was happy anyway) and I started to study till I collapse. In my mania I told me the only thing I want in my life is to study. It was pretty pathological. I followed my goals with giving no fuck on my health. Which was disastrous.

Psychotherapy and reading literature on mental illness helped me to see through my pathologies. I am pretty good at pinning down the causal pathway how I became so ill. Finding a solution instead is way harder.

I also read and listened to different philosophies. Personally nihilism made me feel worse. So I tried to find something to believe in. But not in a religious sense. I read different authors and David Foster Wallace could comfort me the most. I searched something to nurture my soul. I searched for pillars in my life to give me meaning. I made threads about that. Many psychologists say in order to be happy it is good when life is build on several different pillars.

I have not succeeded in all of it. My life is still hell because of my fucked up nervous system but compared to past periods I made clearly progress.

 

[penguinl0v3s]

I am not sure whether my experiece is helpful at all. I never considered to go full Buddhist.

As a child till the age of 15 I was very much into hedonism. I ate extremely unhealthy food, played all time video games, never educated me, always was lazy. I was abused by my mom since the age of 5. She wanted me to perform better at school. At school I was bullied for being obese. Life was no fun at all. My mom at the same always made me gifts and bought me everything I wanted. Even things I considered useless. It all felt pretty empty and shallow. I started to educate me, lose a lot of weight in very short time, studied like an idiot. Which later led to my downfall. A crash from being too exhausted. However this was more or less predetermined because of the chemical imbalance in my brain caused by a bipolar disorder which became more and more severe.

I think I gained an idea of what not to do which does bring me closer to figuring out what to do, many thanks ^^ Sounds like your mom stunted your growth, and was one of those give objects but not affection type of people. Perhaps she contributed to your hedonism?

I think both sides of the extreme ascetisicm and hedonism is not good. I came to a point where I said to me I don't give any fuck about being happy (because I never was happy anyway) and I started to study till I collapse. In my mania I told me the only thing I want in my life is to study. It was pretty pathological. I followed my goals with giving no fuck on my health. Which was disastrous.

I wouldn't say my version of Buddhism wants me to work hard and value education. I don't value those things, to me those things are just a way to chase class and status and 'success,' which goes against my goals. Not that I don't educate myself, I do, but it's much of the time outside of school and for the mental fulfilment of learning rather than to get high marks and a good occupation. When I think of Buddhism I think of a person who enjoys things that exist in day-to-day life like fresh air and can derive pleasure from them, without having to seek them out specifically. I'm definitely also going to avoid asceticism to the point where I do things I hate. You're better off for quitting pouring your life into studying. Have you found something that you enjoy studying?

Psychotherapy and reading literature on mental illness helped me to see through my pathologies. I am pretty good at pinning down the causal pathway how I became so ill. Finding a solution instead is way harder.

I get you, I was at that point for a while. One of my breakthroughs was realizing that my justification of things led me to resent the sources of my problems, instead of using the information to move on. And I would ruminate a LOT, which does no good. There's a big difference between identifying your thoughts, acknowledging their existence, and moving on versus acknowledging your thoughts and amplifying them (like repeating how miserable you are to yourself over and over again). Ideally once you connect that situation A leads to negative thought B, you try to sever the connection however that may be.

I also read and listened to different philosophies. Personally nihilism made me feel worse. So I tried to find something to believe in. But not in a religious sense. I read different authors and David Foster Wallace could comfort me the most. I searched something to nurture my soul. I searched for pillars in my life to give me meaning. I made threads about that. Many psychologists say in order to be happy it is good when life is build on several different pillars.

I have not succeeded in all of it. My life is still hell because of my fucked up nervous system but compared to past periods I made clearly progress.

Really happy to hear that things are going in a positive direction for you. It's alright to not have everything going for you yet when you started from much less. I don't think nihilism ever did people good, and the philosophers (I mean people who have it as a job) don't value it anyways. What did you like about David Foster Wallace?

 

[noname223]

I think I gained an idea of what not to do which does bring me closer to figuring out what to do, many thanks ^^ Sounds like your mom stunted your growth, and was one of those give objects but not affection type of people. Perhaps she contributed to your hedonism?

I wouldn't say my version of Buddhism wants me to work hard and value education. I don't value those things, to me those things are just a way to chase class and status and 'success,' which goes against my goals. Not that I don't educate myself, I do, but it's much of the time outside of school and for the mental fulfilment of learning rather than to get high marks and a good occupation. When I think of Buddhism I think of a person who enjoys things that exist in day-to-day life like fresh air and can derive pleasure from them, without having to seek them out specifically. I'm definitely also going to avoid asceticism to the point where I do things I hate. You're better off for quitting pouring your life into studying. Have you found something that you enjoy studying?

I get you, I was at that point for a while. One of my breakthroughs was realizing that my justification of things led me to resent the sources of my problems, instead of using the information to move on. And I would ruminate a LOT, which does no good. There's a big difference between identifying your thoughts, acknowledging their existence, and moving on versus acknowledging your thoughts and amplifying them (like repeating how miserable you are to yourself over and over again). Ideally once you connect that situation A leads to negative thought B, you try to sever the connection however that may be.

Really happy to hear that things are going in a positive direction for you. It's alright to not have everything going for you yet when you started from much less. I don't think nihilism ever did people good, and the philosophers (I mean people who have it as a job) don't value it anyways. What did you like about David Foster Wallace?

Yes my mom contributed to my hedonistic lifestyle when I was younger. I think she always cared about money because as a child she had no much for her own. It seems like the traumatas of my family get inherited. My sister still is extremely into hedonism which makes her an uninteresting character for me.

I have found something I enjoy. It is a mix of things. I still educate myself. However the difference is between free-time education and college education there is no pressure and no grades which is better for my mental health.

I like DFW's literature because it lets me feel like I was in a different consciousness. It is a very comforting experience and it makes me feel less lonely and I can relate to the existential pain that many characters in his stories describe.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Mature? Hardly. If I had actual maturity I could use all that fake potential people keep seeing in me to make my life better enough to a point I don't want to die.

My sense of humor was always doomed from the start since I still find Garfield comics and dad puns funny.