C
Cevapcici
Student
- Dec 30, 2018
- 146
It's my first time posting on here after more than a year of sticking around on SS...
I don't feel like my participation all this time has been of great quality - mostly due to the brain fog and decline in mental capacity I've been experiencing for the last two years ( I've turned into a dumb b*tch basically)
And I feel bad about it, because this place is my only safe place .
I don't have the mental energy do simple tasks anymore, and holding a conversation with me is very painful and boring, since I have failed everything I once attempted, and my life is very pathetic and unexciting.
I am so ashamed I've ended up like this...I HATE the grumpy, negative, hurt,irritated, resentful pile of walking flesh that I've become. I'm just a shell of what I used to be. I've also surrounded myself with people who did not bring the best out of me, and only participated to this vicious circle of toxicity. It's like my resentment has become my personality. I don't want to be that person anymore.
And ...yes... after a few attempts to get my shit together ...and socialise...I've come to the conclusion that, if everyone is annoyed with me... I might have become annoying to be around. I have let myself go, and turned into a toxic, trashy, problematic person.
I don't want to die like this....Still living with my parents , in what my room has turned into - a stinky pile of mess. I want to die in combat , I want to go with at least some dignity and self respect.
I refuse to be remembered like this...like a person who has lost face, became resentful and mean as a result. I do not want to be the villain in someone else's story, I do not want to partake in the processes that make this world an ugly place.
Anyone has gone through this ? does anyone has tips to self awareness and self control when you're low on energy ? How do I avoid/prevent taking out my anger on people who haven't wronged me?
Is there some meditation techniques,positive reinforcement, prescription and non prescription drugs that could turn me into a "zen " person ?
I'm clueless, but I want to work on myself so much.
I don't feel like my participation all this time has been of great quality - mostly due to the brain fog and decline in mental capacity I've been experiencing for the last two years ( I've turned into a dumb b*tch basically)
And I feel bad about it, because this place is my only safe place .
I don't have the mental energy do simple tasks anymore, and holding a conversation with me is very painful and boring, since I have failed everything I once attempted, and my life is very pathetic and unexciting.
I am so ashamed I've ended up like this...I HATE the grumpy, negative, hurt,irritated, resentful pile of walking flesh that I've become. I'm just a shell of what I used to be. I've also surrounded myself with people who did not bring the best out of me, and only participated to this vicious circle of toxicity. It's like my resentment has become my personality. I don't want to be that person anymore.
And ...yes... after a few attempts to get my shit together ...and socialise...I've come to the conclusion that, if everyone is annoyed with me... I might have become annoying to be around. I have let myself go, and turned into a toxic, trashy, problematic person.
I don't want to die like this....Still living with my parents , in what my room has turned into - a stinky pile of mess. I want to die in combat , I want to go with at least some dignity and self respect.
I refuse to be remembered like this...like a person who has lost face, became resentful and mean as a result. I do not want to be the villain in someone else's story, I do not want to partake in the processes that make this world an ugly place.
Anyone has gone through this ? does anyone has tips to self awareness and self control when you're low on energy ? How do I avoid/prevent taking out my anger on people who haven't wronged me?
Is there some meditation techniques,positive reinforcement, prescription and non prescription drugs that could turn me into a "zen " person ?
I'm clueless, but I want to work on myself so much.