I'm currently 31 and I have lost and once again found the will to live several times in my life now. I have one somewhat self preserving aspect to myself which is that I usually want to make the most of the time left when I feel suicidal. Typically this is self destructive, and has usually involved heavy drug use, but because every time I've wanted to die I wanted some last enjoyment out of life, I often went down this slow self destructive path, postponing my desire to attempt, during which time enough time elapsed that for one reason or another I found some hope again and improved.
On the flip side, I feel with each time I return to suicidal thoughts that they occupy more and more of my mind and I find myself planning and working out the potential details of my demise all the more. So I feel it's a tricky battle. On the one hand the fact that I have come out the other side of these feelings and been able to enjoy my life again before gives me hope I can do so again, but on the other hand I feel that the pull of the abyss is getting stronger and so it's harder each time. I want to get better, I desperately want that, but I am uncertain if I can keep fighting this.
